Just want to grow and become happy again

[Maika]

Good stuff. Keep posting as you go along. We are all learning from each other and it's great to know that you're not alone in this. This board basically saved me and has given me so much. I don't think I would be where I am mentally and emotionally without the great folks here who took time to read my sitch and give me thoughtful responses.

I am just starting to get to the point where my brain isn't in a fog.

In Parkema's latest thread, AS gave a fantastic explanation of the fog phase - both the WW/WAS and the LBS. It really brought so much clarity for me about my own fog as the LBS. Check it out if you haven't already.

[Maika]

Sorry it's in Parkema's thread # 4. In the last 30-40 posts. AS's comments were part of a larger discussion which is also really insightful.

[swoop]

that's an excellent description, and it makes menwomddr if SO, finally came out of her own fog, and decided it was time to reconcile with OM

[joejoe1]

Swoop,

The first month after BD, I probably got 3 hours of sleep a night. I was highly caffeinated at work during that month.

It wore off thou. Especially, once I started going back to church and found this forum. It will get easier and you will start to sleep again. It takes time.

You are not alone in that sleep area.

Keep posting.

[swoop]

My sleep is slowly improving. I'm up to about 4-5 hours per night. my emotional state is still pretty stagnant, but my real sad times are starting to become less frequent. I still have times when I STRUGGLE with how this all ended. It just seemed like we were doing good, loving, growing closer together as a family, and BAM. She moves DIRECTLY into a house with her boyfriend from 4 years prior???!!!....I still can't get my head wrapped around that, and I probably never will. Everyone feels that, at some point, she will be reaching back out to me. I don't see it happening, but I've been giving a LOT of thought about how I would respond. This woman has done a very wicked thing to me and my daughter, her son as well.......i just need to keep moving forward and establishing my new life. I hope to meet some new people this week, and start building friendships. I have a few activities lined up for GAL.....D
Day by day....

[swoop]

Today is a rough day, not much focus on SO, but I am feeling very lonely and sad about my situation. my GAL activities are few and far between, even though I have been trying my best to get out and meet new people and reconnect with old friends. it's just not filling me with contentment. I feel very restless and uneasy being alone. I have another IC appointment tomorrow, and I will ask if there is anything I can do to help with those feelings. I'm just sad....

[doodler]

It's just not filling me with contentment.

swoop,

Have you considered volunteering as a coach for a women's beach volleyball team?

[swoop]

haha, I wonder if that would help

[swoop]

Today is another bad day. It's raining, the house is empty. I have no work to do. I feel empty. I keep having thoughts of SO, that I just cant seem to shake. I am really feeling the depression.

My IC session was yesterday, but I don't feel like I am getting much out of them. He taught me a tool, of slapping my leg when I was lingering on thoughts of SO. He said I need to replace those thoughts with something positive. That's not working, no matter how hard I try. I continue to wake up EARLY with thoughts of my previous life and how much I miss it.

I have been reaching out to friends as much as I can, but everyone's lives are so busy. Making new friends has shown to be a challenge. My days feel like they are filled with nothing, lately. I am just lacking close companionship that I crave so dearly. My dog is great, but he just doesn't complete me....

I've done some home decorating projects, to keep busy. I bought an antique wooden door, to hang at the end of my hallway. It has pane glass windows in it, so I thoughts I would use it for framing pictures. I also added a large scale eclectic item in my kitchen. I am trying anything I can, to put her out of my memory, and build my new life. It's still such a struggle to find my motivation.

[Holding]

Hey Swoop, I know how the depression feels. Thoughts of the past are hard to fight.

I've also struggled with finding someone to meet up with. Like you said, people have their lives and can't always be there for us. And yes, making new friends is hard for me too.

Something I've tried is learning to be comfortable by myself - eating out by myself, seeing a movie by myself, or even hanging out at home and watching a movie with a nice dinner. If you're an outdoorsy type, you could also try a solo hike or a bike ride.

You mention some indoor projects at home. Have you tried to get out of the house to do anything?

I know it sounds cliche, but you can be your own best friend and "date yourself".

Have you thought about finding a new IC? Sometimes you just don't click with someone.