How a treehouse can cost you your marriage

[Holding]

Wow, Clyde. I'm really taken aback at your sitch and everything that's happened. You're a good man for still wanting it to work after all that. A TRO - man that svcks.

With everything your W is going through, it almost sounds like a MLC. Not that that makes this any easier on you.

I agree with Kaizen that this is a good time for you to work on yourself and GAL. You need to find some positive energy in your life to help you face the hard times ahead.

[MoveFrwd]

You also mentioned no longer starting convos and no longer doing family dinners, this was the other thing I was struggling with. I started to wonder if the family dinners/hanging out were letting her have the best of both worlds, and maybe if we did not do those things she would miss them and be apt to work on our m.

Yes, you should stop them. Theres a few reasons I think that it would be good.
1) like you said, it helps shift the pursuer/distancer dynamic. It gives her an opportunity to pursue you.

2) It also gives a little bit of mystery to your life. Youve said repeatedly that you are open to forgiveness and that she can come back any time. Those kinds of things only keep her away - as they reinforce that you will be there as her safety net. If she isnt regularly seeing you, then she may wonder what you are actually doing instead.

3) It gives you each some space. Neither of you is in a position to 'work on your m' right now. There is a ton of damage done to the foundation of your marriage. Now is a great time to reflect and figure out what matters to each of you. By continuing to interact so regularly, you lose the objectivity you need to make what should be difficult decisions and choices about what you value.

As far as the convos go I thought after reading DB & DR I was strong enough to stop them, but last week I slipped and started what seemed to turn into the most enlightening ones yet... at one point I even told her "wow, I'm glad we can talk because I had no idea about how you felt about a lot of things and vise versa, maybe taking some misconceptions off the plate will lessen your desire for space/not wanting a relationship at the moment."

The first part is ok. But the second part makes me want to pull my hair out! She knows you want to R. So stop pushing it. Just...be...for now. Think about it this way - every time you mention reconciling it pushes your chances for actually doing so farther out. Imagine your kid asking for a treat at 2 PM. You say 'no, maybe after dinner.' How would you feel if they asked you for a treat every 5 minutes from 2 PM until dinner time? Thats you right now - every time you bring up reconciling, she is going to just get more frustrated/annoyed at you. Shes asking for some space. Give it to her.

[MoveFrwd]

I was fine with being the sole provider, we made a good team, I knew I could always count on her to keep the family and home going if I needed to focus on a project.

I think I talked about this kind of thing in my first post. Honestly....how did you value her? How did you feel about her contributions?

In your intro post, you talk about her going out and providing while you stay at home....as if your role was harder? more important? Im not sure.

No BS now....How did you really feel about your roles in the family?

I would encourage her to go back to school and get a career, this would frustrate her as she felt I was belittling her, I'd try to explain to her the benefits... not only financially but to her well being

So how did you project this to work with you working 60-100 hours every week? Was your thought that she would just 'add' schooling on top of the responsibilities she already had? It comes across as belittling, because it sounds empty - as in theres no way to actually go about doing it so it would make sense why it would be frustrating for her.

[Clyde]

I honestly was and still am ok with the dynamic of me being the sole provider, my response to her calling our house a (censored) hole was from the hip, at that moment I felt as though she was not appreciating my part in the dynamic. (If i could go back to that day I would not have said what I said in that moment, instead waited for a better time and way to express my feelings to that comment.) I don't discount what her responsibilities are what so ever, even though it may have sounded like that. I pointed out how she goes above and beyond holding the house together but she is still able to have her tea on the back patio daily while the kids play in the yard, she gets to read books through out the day, does her yoga while the kids occupied themselves, all of which makes me happy, she deserved those moments - however she needed to realize that under the hours I was pulling I did not get a single moment to vent, relax... I step into my shop at 5 a.m. and have saws and machines screaming in my ears all day, on my feet all day. I will also add that I feel good knowing that my work load provides the opportunity for our family to have the benefits of a SAHM.

When we discussed schooling I told her I would make my schedule work with her school schedule which is exactly what we did of the 18 months she did decide to go school. When not killing my self doing 100 a weeks (its feast or famine in this industry) I try to keep my hours around 10 a day, but worked more hours on the days she did not have school to compensate.

[Clyde]

Holding,

Yes I have wondered if she may be experiencing some level of MLC, at times I have been certain of it, but I am trying to be careful not to pass all the blame in that direction so that I am not jaded to my contributions to the sitch.

In the recent weeks I can see the internal battle she is dealing with (at least I think I see it). I know some day (if she is not already), she will have to confront her actions and the ramifications of them, I worry about the impact that is going to have on her. I have never seen her treat anyone in her life how she has treated me over the last 6 months. She is always been a compassionate, forgiving person, she is the one who taught me to always be considerate of what others might be going through before condemning.

[Clyde]

Kaizen,

I tell my self the same thing about pursuing, (read the solo partner 2 weeks ago). Detaching/distancing is much harder than it sounds. I seem to seize every opportunity to make my case... I know I should make time my friend, but battle with the what else might happen in time...

I shouldn't, but I do worry about OM, she swears she has not and will not, I believe her for 2 reasons... One: she made me court her for a year+ before having sex. Yes she could be having an EA, but again swears she wants no relationship at this point in her life. Two: With all the vicious things she has said to me over the past 6 months I think she would of thrown it in my face. I fear the friends will try to expedite her finding OM to put the final nail in the coffin, her "sister" has several sugar daddys that I know she is still in contact with, I am worried she is trying to arrange some thing for my w, wether she knows it or not.

[MoveFrwd]

I tell my self the same thing about pursuing, (read the solo partner 2 weeks ago). Detaching/distancing is much harder than it sounds. I seem to seize every opportunity to make my case... I know I should make time my friend, but battle with the what else might happen in time...

Of course it's hard. Change is hard.

Thats no excuse to not do it though!

And I promise you, this isnt a situation where you can convince her of ANYTHING through your words. Logic, reason, guilt, desperation....doesnt matter. Until there is enough TIME and CONSISTENT CHANGE on your part, you dont have a chance.

I shouldn't, but I do worry about OM, she swears she has not and will not, I believe her for 2 reasons... One: she made me court her for a year+ before having sex. Yes she could be having an EA, but again swears she wants no relationship at this point in her life. Two: With all the vicious things she has said to me over the past 6 months I think she would of thrown it in my face. I fear the friends will try to expedite her finding OM to put the final nail in the coffin, her "sister" has several sugar daddys that I know she is still in contact with, I am worried she is trying to arrange some thing for my w, wether she knows it or not.

Do you really think she would tell you if there were an OM?

And frankly, does it even matter if theres an OM to what you need to do?

Focus on what you can control.

[Tread]

Clyde,

I don't think there may not be an OM. My W was a virgin who I did everything to court her right for almost 2 years before having sex. OM didn't even buy her a drink and had been in contact on a cruise for only 24 hours. So trust me, everything you did for her means nothing when it comes to having sex with someone else. Plus her W has a cheating friend who is has strong influence on her. Plus all your W has been doing is lying on you. So why would she tell the truth about having an OM.

[AnotherStander]

Clyde, sorry you find yourself here! Your W's actions are unbelievable. There's absolutely no excusing the things she has done. BUT, there's a lot of info in your first post that positively screams "marriage about to fail".

at the time of the incident I was putting in over 100 hours a week for over 2 months with out a single day off

100 hours a week! That would be 16 hours a day M-F plus 10 hours Sa and Su. I think it's very safe to say you were nonexistent around the house. Your W was suddenly left to do 100% of the housework, 100% of the childcare, 100% of everything with zero assistance from you. Plus she was getting no emotional support. You ceased to be a husband.

prior to that I was averaging 60 hours a week (I'm in the construction industry)

60 hours is still a LOT. You're talking 12 hour days with maybe the weekends off, but still enough time that you were scarcely home during the week. I'm an architect so have worked closely with many people in the construction industry, and I also worked for a GC for a while. I know what a tight-knit family people become when they're involved in construction. They work together, go out to drink and eat together, shoot pool together, have BBQ's together. That is all great, but they heavily neglect their real family without realizing the damage they are causing. Divorce is positively rampant in construction and the stories are often quite similar to yours (other than your w's crazy antics). They are shocked and surprised, "it came out of nowhere", "she never said a word", etc. They don't seem to have a clue just how much they neglected their W and kids. They'll say things like "I took them on vacation just 3 months ago and we had a great time!" They just don't seem to get that you've got to be there EVERY DAY for them!

My wife contested right away, said no way are we building a tree house till my daughter had her own room, (all three kids shared a room at the time, the plan was to convert a 3 walled office space in our house, into her bedroom). The tree house was a 1 day project, the bedroom was a 2 weak project. While I agree with the importance of my daughter having her own room I did not have 2 weeks to dedicate at the time, but I could take a day off and do the tree house.

I hope you understand the treehouse wasn't why your W left, it was just the last straw of a string of problems. She had been ready to bail already. Here you are working non-stop, not contributing as a husband, and finally you're going to take a day off to what? Build something completely frivolous. She's looking around at a house she can't keep up with, 3 kids stacked one on top of another in a single room, and you're going to waste your one day off in 2 MONTHS building a treehouse. I mean I'm pretty stunned just reading it, and reading you trying to justify it! It was a huge mistake on your part and I am not at all surprised it was her breaking point. I understand a family needs to make money to survive, but working 60-100 hours a week simply cannot be done without neglecting the needs of your family. You should have questioned your career a long time ago, and considered asking your W to go back to work so you could work less and spend more time with her and the kids.

So where do you go from here. Well you say you want to save your M, but like we tell everyone that comes here, your old M is dead and gone. You've got to give your W time and space and work on yourself. You've got to make yourself into the "spouse only a fool would leave". Get back in shape, be a fantastic father, dress better, groom better, GAL (get a life), be happy and healthy. And I think in your case- work less. I'm sure that'll be difficult since you've got to support your W separately now, but if there's a way you need to find it. With time, hopefully she will become attracted to you again and you can begin a NEW relationship with her. Good luck!

[Clyde]

So yes I was working 100 hours a week, that was a decision both my wife and I always made together before taking on a job/contract. It was not constant though, and 90% of the work I do is in the shop on our property, so I am able to see my family through out the day, we usually ate lunch and dinner together, I always stopped to tuck the kids in/play them a song before bedtime. The times I was putting 100 hours a week were necessary to get the contract, not exactly a choice...and again, it was something the W and I always discussed prior to taking the job. As a matter of fact the last time I did it I told her I did not feel up to it, maybe we should pass on this one, to which she responded that we really need this one, we have nothing else in the pipe line.

When ever possible we tried to keep my hours around 60 a week, I would get into the shop around 5a.m. and usually be able to join the family by 5:30p.m. - 6p.m. I was a very involved husband and father, at all t-ball games, school plays etc., helped with homework. In the evenings we all hung out as a family in the yard playing ball or something, for the first 14 years of our R my W and I usually had a beer together on the back pain in the evening discussing our day, we would always go to bed together. My wife got a bouquet of flowers almost weekly. If my W was going to costco or something like that most times I would take a break and go with & then make those hours up after the kids went to bed or get up earlier the next morning .

I have never gone to the bar with the guys after work... not once. I do high end cabinetry and do 100% of the work myself..., no one to even ask to go to the bars with, besides, if I was not working I wanted to be with my family. We tried to hire help, but to get someone reliable and able to deliver the quality my shop is known for, the hourly rate is too high to offer steady employment, and in this industry you can only tell an employee no work today so many times before they go looking else where.