For what it's worth, my opinion is to try to be as consistent as possible. It worries me that your thoughts and feelings towards W are changing fairly regularly from what I can tell. So if what you were doing was working, I wouldnt start changing it now. As I asked you a few replies back - what are your goals? how does this fit in to you achieving them?
My goal is to continue working on myself and detaching. Trying to increase my contacts, career and physical goals. Also to get close with my own immediate family. Spent most of my MR doing things for my in laws. Getting closer with my son. Also most importantly ensuring that S13 doesn't get thrown off completely by the changes.
My goal is to continue working on myself and detaching. Trying to increase my contacts, career and physical goals. Also to get close with my own immediate family. Getting closer with my son. Also most importantly ensuring that S13 doesn't get thrown off completely by the changes.
OK. So these all seem like reasonable concepts. But they arent really goals. The way I learned it, goals should be SMART:
Specific Measurable Achievable Relevant Timely
So saying I want to get closer with my immediate family is good. But theres no indication of how you are going to do it or how you will judge whether you achieved it or not.
For example, lets say my goal is to 'eat healthier'. If I normally eat 2 quarter pounders with cheese and a XL fries and a 32 oz coke....trimming that to 2 quarter pounders without cheese and a L fries and a 20 oz coke is 'healthier', but it still wouldnt likely qualify as 'healthy'. So, does it meet the goal or not? It is difficult to judge.
In my mind, the more specific and measurable your goal is, the easier it is to attain it.
To apply to you, you say you dont want your son thrown off by the changes. Well, his mom and dad are already separated. So would coming together for a birthday party or even a dinner throw him off? If it were me as a 13 year old, I might think thats a sign mom and dad are getting back together - or working on it, at least. But it could also be a good way to model that despite your differences, you will both be there for him.
Sorry, there isnt a lot of great specific advice I have for you on this topic. My emphasis would be on figuring out what you want (as in goals) and then figuring out what to do to get there.
That was my thought process in regards to S13. Regardless on how I feel about W. I will put that aside for us to be cordial around him. Because being there for him is the most important thing. Weight loss goal has been far exceeded. Wanted to get to 160 and now I am at 152. Right now its about packing on muscle. And I certainly have eaten far less fast food since W moved out.
As far as spending time with my family. Going to spend Thanksgiving with my parents, which is haven't done in 15 years. Been stuck hosting Thanksgiving at my house for my in laws every year. With them bringing nothing but they appetites. Going to spend Christmas with my family as well. And my trip to the Bahamas for my 15 year anniversary will now be spent with my youngest brother.
I wrote a whole post and lost it. But I will leave you with this.
My parents split at 17 and I was miserable when it was the 3 of us. it was pretty uncomfortable for me.
This is why I suggest you ask him what he wants. You make think he wants a family dinner, but it might actually make him uncomfortable. Leave the question open ended.
"what would you like to do for your birthday?" His answer will tell you a lot.
I got a question. S13 has his 14th birthday coming up next Sunday. Basically I'm wondering if I should contact W and see if she wants to do something together for him or just leave it alone and do something separately?
My XW and I continued to plan birthdays together for the kids and in fact we still do. Two of my kids are grown and on their own now, but they've both told me that they appreciated us doing that for them, they said they would much rather have one "united" party than to try and have separate ones. My XW and I never had an adversarial relationship even during S and D though, so I think that may be a big part of why it works for us. Some people are dealing with WAS's or MLC'ers that are just plain crazy so I can certainly see how it wouldn't work for everyone.
And of course you have to do it without expectations, try to be OK with it either way before you call her. If she wants to do something together then great, if she doesn't then try to be good with that too.
I wasn't going to be upset or expecting anything either way. Just wondering if it would be better for S13 to try and keep things in his life from completely changing. Holidays have already been divided. Figured we could at least spare him of that on his birthday. Thanks for the advice.
So 3 days ago, I emailed my W the divorce papers my lawyer sent me to review. Needed her to look over it and sign as well as the parenting plan. I haven't heard from her since I text her letting her I was emailing it to her. Sure she was surprised considering that she had no clue I had hired a lawyer. Thought about asking her what the deal is with no response, but I figure it best to let her do things on her own time. Not even going to assume what is going through her mind right now.
