What to Do? 4

[chris19]

Old Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2761841&page=11

Bringing it too thread 4.

[Maika]

Any update since you had the talk?

[chris19]

Hey M-

After our talk I did not text for a whole day. After that I simply texted her and said, "I know you told me you felt extremely overwhelmed on Monday; I hope yesterday was more manageable for you".

W responded later by saying "Hey sorry I was so busy all day. Thanks for this text. Very thoughtful and is really sweet."

Have had no contact since that text yesterday evening.

[Maika]

Great. I would say heed Sandi's advice and don't initiate texts and conversations unless it's absolutely necessary for household stuff. And as Sandi said, reply to some texts but if she's getting childish and immature, go complete NC. I think you're in a good spot with your W and just stay the course now. Don't pursue and keep working on yourself.

[chris19]

M - understood; and I have not done anything since. W did text me today about some financial stuff; I kept it short and to the point.

Now; I do have some questions to try and get some perspective from both sandi as a WW, as well as other LBS's with WW's. Regardless of whether my sitch works out or not I wanted some insight. It is hard to formulate my exact question; so let me just spew a little.

When dealing with piecing or even prior to that; when the LBH makes certain requests of a WW (total transparency, no contact with OM, etc.) it is smart, or is it healthy to want to know exactly what happened with the W and the OM? Like, how often did they see each other, how often did they engage in sexual activities, etc.? For some reason I am extremely interested in this...but my worry is that it would make it much more difficult to forgive.

My goal is to forgive; but I am afraid this might lead to not forgiving...but on the other-hand...would I feel all this resentment from not knowing?

Also, along with these comments; b/c we are living separately right now; and if we were to reconcile, I would be moving into the house she purchased...Should I ask W if the OM has been in the house, even slept-ed in the bed, or had relations in that house? I am deathly afraid of this answer, because again...I want to forgive...but this would make it so much harder.

How do I approach all of this...

[Holding]

Chris, the DR book addresses a lot of your questions. It's been a while since I read it, but I think MWD says all your questions are natural. These things will eat you up if you don't eventually address them. And your WW will need to understand that you'll have these questions, and she'll need to open up to you as part of the healing process. But I think it's too early in your sitch to start bringing these questions up.

[TBSakaJ9]

If my W came back I would want to know it all, every detail. There would have to be no secrets.

[Maika]

I can't remember what DR says on this, but my 2 cents - I would want complete and full transparency and all details. I would require her to answer all of my questions to my satisfaction. If she won't be willing to do that, I walk. Simple.

Just like you, I am early in my sitch so recon is not even on my radar of possibility. But, it's good to think about this as you progress along on your own personal goals and grow and improve. Recognize what you will need.

If you want to get a glimpse of what this might look like, go read up on some piecing threads - Stormchaser and Bluwave I would recommend.

[AnotherStander]

When dealing with piecing or even prior to that; when the LBH makes certain requests of a WW (total transparency, no contact with OM, etc.) it is smart, or is it healthy to want to know exactly what happened with the W and the OM? Like, how often did they see each other, how often did they engage in sexual activities, etc.? For some reason I am extremely interested in this...but my worry is that it would make it much more difficult to forgive.

Yeah that is completely normal. I don't know what is at work there, but the LBS always seems to want to know all of the sordid details. Maybe it's because the imagination is always worse than reality? Usually these affairs are a lot more mundane than the LBS imagines, so perhaps knowing the details makes it easier to accept what happened. Anyway, here's the problem. The WAS does NOT want to share the details. They want to sweep it all under the rug like it never happened. So if you get to that point, try and work through it with an MC because it's a delicate balance of your need to know against her desire not to share.

Also, along with these comments; b/c we are living separately right now; and if we were to reconcile, I would be moving into the house she purchased...Should I ask W if the OM has been in the house, even slept-ed in the bed, or had relations in that house? I am deathly afraid of this answer, because again...I want to forgive...but this would make it so much harder.

I think you should assume the worst on that. Of course he's slept there, had sex in the bed with her, etc. The real question is are you OK with that or not? Because if you're not then you've got to figure out what you want to do- not move there, or move there and burn the bed (could be symbolic as well as entertaining, please post it on Youtube if you do ) , etc.

[chris19]

UPDATE;

Today I messaged by W brother in-law to see if he wanted to get breakfast tomrw. Our bond has always been very close; and W and I have discussed in the past that I would only maintain contact with her Fam if she was comfortable; W agreed and explained she understood how close we all were and had no problem.

Well; I texted him, and later that day he invited me out to get a beer; I agreed. He was out with his W (my W sister) and their daughter, our first niece.

On my way out, my W texted me; "are you out for the night". I responded with, "I am meeting up with Mr.X (broth in law). She responded with, "oh coool".

Throughout the evening, she began to call me and him multiple times. I ignored them of course; but he answered one of them and told her, basically, she was not going to dictate who he could see as a friend or not. He told me she threw in something about loyalty.

Anyways; fast forward, she called me multiple times. When I got home, I called her to ask if she was OK. Why, I do not know, but I can tell she had been drinking. She began to bombard me with; comments such as, "How can you ignore me for three weeks, but when Mr.X calls you, you go hang out with him and my sister?"

I said to her, we discussed seeing each others family and I would only do it if she was comfortable... She responded with more angry saying; I know I said that, but you ignore me for three weeks, then you think its OK to go hand out with my family. Trust me my sis and my bro in law are going to hear about this tomrw."

As she was yelling; I said I can hear in your voice you are angry, but I am not going to stay on the phone if you are only going to yell at me. We can discuss this tomrw. She began to say something like, "you dont get toooo"; as she said that, I interrupted her with; "I am not going to be yelled at like this, good bye" and hung up.

......my mind is racing....




I want to add a feeling I am currently getting; which is very common in me in the past. Right now I feel like I did something soooo wrong; like it is the end of the world; and how could I have done something so wrong.

What is this feeling? How do I overcome this?