Great job with D. One thing that 25 has always said, is one of the ways to a woman's heart is thru her children. You wife might not be showing signs, but you don't know what she is thinking and processing. Don't worry about her reaction, enjoy your D.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Hey, good job Dad! These little experiences will work in drawing you and your daughter even closer. One day you may hear her say, "Remember the first time you took me shopping for a dress? We had a lot fun!"
Thanks! Yeah, we had fun! I could tell when I picked her up from mom's that she was not happy about what she had to wear. I took my D's school shopping before school started and always took them shopping for their athletic gear. It is also a good opportunity to meet some single mom's as well!!
Quote:
As for your W, I believe in being civil if at all possible. It is much better than the drama we see in some other people's situation. It may feel a little strange to see your W acting like a neighbor, but she is actually doing the right thing by using the guest bathroom.....and closing the door.
There have been times were I wanted to tell her "thank you" for making this process easy on me. She could have strung me along, been wishy washy, gave me mixed signals, etc. She has not done that once and has not skipped a beat since she moved out! I know she was done the minute she walked out the door. She is also very head strong and I know she is not coming back.
Quote:
You do a great job here on the board, Joseph. I hope you'll continue to be a help to newcomers.
Thanks I really appreciate this coming from you! I am just an average dude that lives in the suburbs with his W and kids. I have worked for the same company for 18 years, have a great job am a good provider. I thought we had a really good life, we always had everything we needed, took a few trips, W got to go shopping and do all the feminine things women like to do. She took some girls trips out of town, would go to some happy hours as well, I thought we had it all! Little did I know what was brewing on the inside!
I really think I have a level head on my shoulders and do I good job of not letting my emotions get the best of me. I was trucking through life enjoy watching my kids grow and spending time together as a family and I got smacked upside the head. I never wanted it and really never knew anything was wrong until the last 3 months after a trip she took to Vegas. She came back from that trip feeling that now her eyes where wide open!
This board and the people on it (past and current) have helped to get me through the darkest days of my life. I called my mom every morning crying my eyes out asking her what I could have done differently. I have another close family friend that I did the same with. I have also typed many posts on the site with tears in my eyes as well. I do plan on sticking around and will be help to those that need it. The point is that no matter who I spoke to I got the most clarity and support from the folks on this board and for that I will forever be grateful and pay it forward.
Anyone that knows us has no answers for me. No one could have ever imagined that this would have happened or that my W would have done this. I have realized that this is more about her than me. Our good friend that is close with our family told me that my W just got tired and wanted to experience the single life.
So guess who took her shopping last night after work for a dress???? You guess it me! Normally that would have fell to my W but it was really fun and afterwards we went and got yogert.
I had a father/daughter moment this morning. My daughter just started 4th grade and here it is by far the toughest grade for elementary school. She is stressed out about learning to write in cursive. Doesn't understand why she has to learn it when she always prints. She started balling her eyes and I just hugged it out with her. I am and always will be her rock. Ten minutes later she was joking around like her usual self. Daughters are the best!
I am and always will be her rock. Ten minutes later she was joking around like her usual self. Daughters are the best!
Yes....I couldn't agree more. I get more torn up over them having a potential stepdad or OM being around them than I do my W. That is going to be challenge for me!
Just some morning journaling before I get ready for work:
I find if interesting that my W has put her own boundaries in place. For example.
- Yesterday she cam over to the house. The garage door was open but instead of just letting herself in through the garage door she goes to the front door and knocks. we are advised to stay out of their heads, of course. However - here I go - I think she's trying in her way, to show respect for the boundaries she believes you have or should have.
In truth, it would bother a lot of LBS's to have the WW just stroll in, so I'd see it as something that makes your life easier.
- While at the house she had to go to the bathroom. She went to the spare bathroom and shut door so I guess I wouldn't see her. While together the door was always open. don't know, can't decode. But it's better than the alternative, isn't it? And it reminds HER that she's not living there. it's not "her" home now.
- Our youngest D got sick yesterday and is staying home today. Last week my oldest got sick and stayed home from work. My W made it a point this time to ensure that she was the one to stay home. I got the feeling she wanted to make sure she was pulling her own weight.
Well, thank God. The alternative to that^^ is mostly lousy.
Any way my oldest has pictures today at school, she is in 3rd grade and has really started to be concerned about what she wears. She didn't have any dresses and she really wanted to wear one for picture day. So guess who took her shopping last night after work for a dress???? You guess it me! Normally that would have fell to my W but it was really fun and afterwards we went and got yogert.
I guess I better get used to as this appears to be my new norm! W enforcing her own boundaries and taking my D dress shopping! What is going on !!!!!
CLAP CLAP CLAP!!
RC seems so impossible at this point in time. Not because we fight or argue, that has not happened since she moved out. She is just very business like with really having no emotion. It seems like she is a pro at this arrangement and is totally settled with it.
Come on, you know better.
That's like saying Facebook is an autobiographical documentary, (and not just a highlight reel for the "resume of life for a depressed person in crisis.)
Plus, you'd probably say the same thing if there were fights and yelling matches going on or escalating. ("it's looking hopeless").
Her calming down and looking at the reality she's creating, is also the way for things she needs to work out, to surface. Make no assumptions.
Get out of her head. The reality is that if/when she wants things to work out,
you won't have to mind read. The clarity and commitment from her would be there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am and always will be her rock. Ten minutes later she was joking around like her usual self. Daughters are the best!
Yes....I couldn't agree more. I get more torn up over them having a potential stepdad or OM being around them than I do my W. That is going to be challenge for me!
well, let's not borrow pain from tomorrow, okay?
Besides, I've learned that IF the 1st marriage is ending (you are not there yet!)
then a remarriage on at least one parent's part is likely.
Given this^^^ (i.e. IF no recon happens)
the best to hope for is someone who acts as an added source of affirmation for your kids.
That's NOT replacing you, but supplementing you.
The nanny we had many years ago, genuinely loved my children.
And they loved her. Decades later, my kids are still in touch with her.
Nope, nanny was not their mom (or stepmom) but she reflected their value back to them. I think it helped with their sense of self worth.
But, back to the now...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
[quote=Joseph9]Thanks Smithy....You are totally right, it is just hard to accept sometimes. I think my W actually enjoys having our children part time. In her mind this is the perfect set up. She can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to answer to anyone.
Even though this^^ is mind reading and we are not supposed to do it, it's very hard not to. We don't understand choices WE would not make. That's part of why it's so hard to accept (pain we don't see the direct cause of, or understand, is harder to process. So we must learn to accept what we do NOT understand or we will stay stuck in the limbo land of "asking why"...
We often project our values/priorities onto our spouses. We don't get that they have a different measuring tool (or they are shifting from one extreme to the other, internally).
There are justifications we don't know of, and probably would not accept anyhow.
FYI, my h was once an involved dad. I validated that even when his hours were relentless, he seemed nurtured by our family when he returned home.
Now, h has not seen our kids in a year or more. Not talking to them either. S31 said "we have all been replaced." Ouch.
And it appeared to be that way^^ from what I heard.
But h has been reaching out to my closest brother starting 2 weeks ago and has again, since. Also texted me a few times.
He told my bro "the kids aren't talking" to him and my brother said h "sounded very subdued, hurt, tired."
Well, that ^^was news to me. Turns out, Facebook and the way they appear in front of us, are NOT autobiographical documentaries.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Her calming down and looking at the reality she's creating, is also the way for things she needs to work out, to surface. Make no assumptions.
Good stuff, I agree. Once the initial rush of emotion subsides and she takes a step back to breathe only then will she get the clarity she needs 1 way or another. I have completely removed all pressure so she should have all the space she needs. GOOD STUFF 25!!
