Wife Wants to Leave Marriage 6

[Ginger1]

TREAD!!!!

You are making up scenarios that don't even exist and making yourself nuts over them.

Okay, your wife is pursing this guy. In her head, she is divorced and free to date. bad on her for choosing a guy you both work closely with. That's crappy.

This guys has done nothing you know of! So everything is pretty much irrelevant.

I think I have told you this before. YOU HAVE CHOICES! You can stay in this position as long as you can tolerate being around your W. You have no reason to leave it. You can also chose to leave it. You can choose to say it's because your W is pursuing someone else within the organization and you do not feel comfortable. But to name a guy who you have no evidence on would be wrong of you. You don't have to cover for her. You can say whatever you want to anyone about her. I wouldn't go around ruining other people's lives because your wife is going after them.

It's very obvious you are itching to expose your W. You need to say something to someone. So go ahead. No one is stopping you. Who is it you are hiding this from? Who is it you need to tell so bad? Tell them!

Hey, I exposed my ex up down and all around. I don't regret it. But I can't say it made me feel wonderful. I think I felt worse when I didn't get the reactions form his people I expected.

I just ask you not to bring down this guy who probably is just an innocent bystander in your wife's flirtation. You want to bring down your W, make sure there are no other innocent casualties.

I hope in time that you can just not give a crap about her actions anymore. Who she choses, why she choses them.

[MoveFrwd]

Does that mean that I am free to see other women?

You are absolutely free to do this. Just like you are absolutely free to bring public shame to your W. Have at it.

But like Ginger said, I doubt it will make you feel better in the long run.

Ultimately, the question you need to ask yourself is: "Does doing X bring me closer to meeting my goals?"

The responses I have read from Rose and Ginger and the slant that I have given you are all assuming that your goals are focused around being in a healthy relationship in the future and in being a good role model for your son and in treating your W with the respect you would want from her.

If those ARENT your goals, then maybe doing the kinds of things youve been talking about will get you closer to them.

A city full of men and W decided to pursue this guy. This guy isn't even a stud. Just an overweight guy who is cool. Its like she wants to push the limits to see if I will turn back into that early 20 something. Am I to treat this woman as if I would an enemy, because what the feeling is at this point. And I know her new BFF is pushing for this behavior. The old one moves and she finds a replacement.

When you are detached, you will treat her just like a coworker that you kind of know. Friendly and polite, but not going out of your way one way or another to impact their life. What she is doing is about HER and not you. Just like what you should be focusing on is YOU and not her.

[Tread]

Kaizen,

So If I chose to mess around with a few of my W friends and family who I know would be willing. Yes, they are that trifling. That would be okay due to it being about me and not her? I assumed there was a certain level of decency, considering that she claimed to want things to be cordial. But from what I am learning there are no boundaries. So just do what makes me feel good?

[Tread]

Ginger,

Once again. I repeat. No one is turning in this guy, unless he is messing with W. I ain't holding him responsible for W trying to mess with him. If anything, I have even more respect for the man for thinking with the big head.

[EastTN]

So If I chose to mess around with a few of my W friends and family who I know would be willing. Yes, they are that trifling. That would be okay due to it being about me and not her? I assumed there was a certain level of decency, considering that she claimed to want things to be cordial. But from what I am learning there are no boundaries. So just do what makes me feel good?

I think what Kaizen is saying is "forget how she's acting, YOU need to act in a way that supports meeting your goals and teaches your son the lessons he should learn." All you can control here is YOU. How SHE behaves should not impact how YOU behave.

Revenge isn't going to support your goals. It might make you feel better (but more likely it will make you feel WORSE!) but it's not going to bring her back, and it's not going to "show her" anything. It's going to show YOU something, and your friends and family something, and your child something. Is that what you want them to see?

Look, I get how angry you are. I also get how badly you're hurting. I know you think that SHE deserves to have SOME kind of consequence for what she's done and what she's doing. But you NEED to figure out how to let that crap go. As long as you hold on to that, you'll be trapped where you are now. As long as you hold on that, you'll be making yourself a worse person instead of a better one. As long as you hold on to that, you'll just hurt MORE and not less.

And here's another one: the longer you let these thoughts and behaviors on your part continue, the more you've allowed her to affect your life.

[Ginger1]

You are missing the point and in defensive mode.

You are making decisions based upon something that didn't even happen. Then you are upset that it is your W's fault if you have to quit. But nothing even has happened as far as you know.

The thing is, do what you want! Stop thinking about her and do whatever it is you want! Kaizen's point is to do what will bring you closer to your goal will benefit you.

But you have freedom to do whatever you choose. Stay in the job or leave. Go around calling everyone letting them know what happened between you and your W. All your choices. I think you want someone to say "yes, I agree with you exposing your W" That may not happen, but you are free to do what you want. But know you can't blame the outcome on anyone else but yourself.

I could right now choose not to be friendly with my ex and his OWW wife. I could not talk to either of them if I didn't want to. I chose to do it because it makes life that much better for my D10. I could choose to sit at the other side of the football field at her games. To turn away when they speak to me. My choices are mine, and while sometimes they aren't easy for me, it's how I want to live for my daughter. But I do indeed have a choice.

So do you.

[Ginger1]

Oh, and if you want to go screw her friends, (if they gave you consent) that is also your choice! But how do YOU want to live?

[MoveFrwd]

So If I chose to mess around with a few of my W friends and family who I know would be willing. Yes, they are that trifling. That would be okay due to it being about me and not her?

What do you mean by 'ok'?
You arent going to go to jail. So, I guess, sure, it's 'ok'.

As I said in the rest of my post - what are your goals? Would sleeping with your W's friend bring you closer to it?

When it was me, my goals were around reconciling with my W. At that time, no, I dont think sleeping with one of her friends would have helped. Later, that goal morphed into having a healthy coparenting relationship with her. I still dont think sleeping with one of her friends would have gotten me closer to that goal. That said, around that time, I started dating someone else and had no problem sleeping with her. Did it get me closer to reconciling? no, I dont think so - but that wasnt my goal anymore, so it didnt matter.

So, rather than spinning like a top, maybe now is a time to step back and really do some self-evaluation.

What are your goals? what do you want?

To me, these are the fundamental questions of DB, and they get skipped over in the process to focus on the 'good stuff'. The 37 rules...detachment...GAL...LRT...etc. But the whole things with the goals. What do you WANT? Then the next step is figuring out how to get there.

The advice you are getting from East, Ginger, Rose, and me is all centered around what we think your goals are. But, I admit, we could be wrong. And in that case, the advice could be wrong.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Ginger1]
As far as when is your W going to feel consequences? The real answer is perhaps never. I would give every DB'er the advice to take your focus right off there, because them feeling consequences doesn't impact YOUR life.


THIS^^^. If your w and you divorce, and she gets a new car, your car won't break down. If you win the lottery, that does not make her poorer.

You must learn (NOT EASY) to disconnect her apparent happiness or choices

from yours. HER misery index is not a happiness index for you.


It's been 9 years and I am pretty sure my ex never felt the consequence of what he has done. Actually, his life is just as he wants it. Married OW, part-time father, didn't have any more kids, never had to adjust his schedule or change his job/career, I essentially do the real raising of our daughter. He lost no friends in the process. He has time for his hobbies. With child responsibility a half a night during the week, he has been able to join his volleyball leagues, work OT....... his wife takes his abuse and he is as happy as a clam.


This used to anger me. But one day his daughter will probably see him for who he is. But unfortunately that becomes a consequence for her, rather than him.


let's say all this^^ is true. (Infuriating - except Ginger isn't having to deal with the stomach ache and 'itchy sweater feeling' that would happen by still being married to that ex h. And it's hard to measure or quantify how much better her life is now, but it is.

How does her ex h's behavior and choices now, affect GINGER? Does it mean she cannot date, because he's married? Did she take a paycut because he earns a good salary? Nope, not connected. Ginger could wag her finger at her ex and stay focussed on HIS APPARENT joy, instead of creating her own...but how great would that kind of life be? And what about her d?

If her d9 sees her mom as a happy woman, she's far far less likely to ever become a victim of anyone else.

She will see Ginger as a loving mother (role model!!) and as a woman who makes herself content, and is a kind smart funny woman with meaningful work and deep connections with others. What a lovely role model to have.

Her d9 won't see that in her dad, but we can all pray she feels loved, enough, by him.

Tread you must stop worrying about whether she is suffering enough, or yet. It's not really your job to punish her or teach her lessons. Life will do that, or if she's like Ginger's ex, then she can live a shallow happy for Facebook life, but that won't matter to HER b/c she's living her life in her lane, not his.

and

You'll never find peace that way.

[25yearsmlc]

Ginger,

I get what your saying. And it's notvas if I am waiting for my W to feel the consequences for her actions. But it feels as if I to be the bigger person and take the hit for her actions. Which in turn blocks her from feeling the consequences that she should be receiving.



For example, say these two were messing around. People on this board suggested that I should just quit. So he could keep his job and my W could continue to show volunteering.

No, Not so he could keep his job and your w could blah blah blah.

So you could detach better and find some peace

you connected all the actions/possible choices. The suggestion was for you to remove yourself from the equation.

If you can't, then you can't. But any discussion with the guy on the board, (and I really hope you are not just reacting to her flirting in front of you (which -If it is happening, sounds very staged,)

should be more about your marital challenge. You could share with him IF YOU MUST

and not "confront". More like you appreciate his understanding given that you are trying to get through a tough time, working on the marriage, etc"


That would be me taking the hit, while those doing wrong go unscathed. There comes a point where we need to stop shaming LBS by saying they're making themselves victims. And let them know that it's alright to shine a light on these WS and OP on occasion.

I for one am not sacrificing opportunity for WW who I am currently filed papers on. The days if thinking of W first are gone. And if someone decided to risk their career, because keeping it in his pants was impossible for him. Then I should have right to think of myself over these two without shame.

I can't speak of others, but my goal here is what I truly believe will lead you to more peace and happiness (and love, someday) than giving into the anger you feel, and playing judge and executioner in this.

I spent way too much time making angry choices - justifying them under the guise of righteous indignation, and confused my wounded ego with setting a "healthy boundary". There are many fine lines in these situations.