I thought my first comment had an appropriate validation.
It's okay. Let's look at it, just so my words may make more sense.
Quote:
Me: it has been a while; and i see why you would not understand where my head is at. I am talking about (Mr.X) the OM; I am not interested in being disrespected in a relationship if another man is still involved.
I am not trying to see how critical I can be, and don't do this to pull you down. I think someone suggested some of it, and this is strictly my opinion, so take it for whatever you think it's worth. I suggest you keep yourself out of the equation. I'm not sure if you said all the above to her....or just the first sentence. I don't encourage giving much verbal validation to a wayward spouse, mainly b/c LBH's want to pursue and get too wordy, and the validation is often lost in all the other stuff. Unless you are gifted or rather skilled in art of validation, I think you could easily sound as if you are endorsing the wayward behavior....and/or kissing tail. Anyway, when you do attempt to validate, keep validation points short and geared toward her feelings, not her actions......and not explaining about you. Don't assume you know how she feels or what she's thinking. Never tell a woman how she feels.
Quote:
Me: I know what I really need is to work on is myself. So that is where I'm place my focus. I know that you dont want the M anymore due to the S and wanting a D, and telling your family it is what you wanted. So I am respecting your wishes and not applying any pressure on you.
I doubt this caused any damage, I just think this part could have been left off. If the two of you had actually sit down together to discuss it, then sure....it would have been fine as an answer to "where you are about going forward". I think it is wordy, but that JMHO. My suggestion is to be careful about offering information that has not been asked from you. Know what I mean?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't encourage giving much verbal validation to a wayward spouse, mainly b/c LBH's want to pursue and get too wordy, and the validation is often lost in all the other stuff
This defiantly makes sense the way you put it.
Quote:
Anyway, when you do attempt to validate, keep validation points short and geared toward her feelings, not her actions......and not explaining about you.
Yes, understood! I do not know why I put that second sentence out there (about me being disrespected)...I let my emotions get the best of me and was acting out! Terrible for a DB'er.
Quote:
My suggestion is to be careful about offering information that has not been asked from you. Know what I mean?
Yes, I do know what you mean; it acts in multiple ways to draw the WW closer or more interested. Again, I acted out of me feelings by mistake. I became angry with W that she really did not know where I was; or to put it in more true terms; her lies of not knowing where my head was at was making me upset. DONT RESPOND ON EMOTION/FEELINGS! Ah. I take some comfort in you telling me "I doubt it cause any damage".
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Just received texts from W: "I'm going to ask one more time if you'd be willing to come talk to me. I don't know exactly what I'm going to say but id really like to see you and see what emotions come up. I can't give you any promises or expectations bc I don't know exactly how I'm going to feel or what's going to come out but I'd like to see if you are willing."
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
We are meeting up after work tomrw. I am going to keep sandi's advise very handy, and read it over prior to the meeting. I do not know why but I am nervous. I guess I just do not want to take a step back in this whole process with the W.
I will act disinterested in the game she is playing. Provide little information of myself; and try not to ask questions about how she is doing. I will try to be strong and show my fairly new self; and not be impressed by her game.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Good luck Chris. Don't place too much pressure on yourself for this meet. Sandi has given you everything you need and you'll do fine. Come back and let us know what happened.
"Hey I might need to move this to Tuesday if you can. Im feeling overwhelmed today with emotion. Panic attack status so not sure if it's the best time to talk. Can I just text you a little later and see".
I remember someone on the board telling me that it is not unusual for a WW to set up a meeting and then cancel.
What is the best approach here. I actually cannot do it tomrw, I have other commitments.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
"Hey I might need to move this to Tuesday if you can. Im feeling overwhelmed today with emotion. Panic attack status so not sure if it's the best time to talk. Can I just text you a little later and see".
If she's not emotional stable to meet in person, then I would not think it would be a good time to text.
I think she is going for one of three things. She either wants to vent her rage on you, or she needs reassurance that you are still her backup if nothing else works out for her, or she's having a pity party and wants to hear you validating her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay, then just listen to her talk. Nod your head, if appropriate. Do not start repeating a bunch of stuff you've heard on the board. Just listen.
If she is basically saying the same old stuff, then don't try to change her mind or argue with her. If, by chance, she says something about going back together.......keep your cool! This is the time you look for any sign of remorse, an apology, take responsibility for her actions, make some kind of statement of her wanting to do whatever is necessary to get you back and save her M.
If she does not show any of these things, do not agree to take her back. If she still show a bad attitude, or still blames you for everything, or wants to move in together but stay in separate bedrooms..........shut it down right then. She is only seeking benefits/comforts of the M without taking any responsibility as a W.
Remember these words, in case you don't know how to respond to her proposals (if she should make any), "It's not that simple anymore".
In other words, you are not going to walk back into the same MR you left. There should be some things you require before entering into another R with her. Do you know what those would be? She may not ask what will it take to save the M, but you should still be ready with an answer.......just in case.
Remember, don't volunteer this information, unless she asks.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
