Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[Accuray]

Holding,

Very sorry for what you’re going through—you’re in the thick of it now. One thing I’ll suggest that may serve you well.

There are things people do and say, and then there is the meaning we attach to those things.

For instance your wife opened up to you about her doubts. That’s a fact.

After what happened next you told yourself the story that she was manipulating you and then got angry about that.

Maybe she was manipulating you, and maybe she was just being earnest and sharing a rare authentic moment.

There is no way to know the reality of the situation—she may not even know, but you will be much better served in your life by assuming that she was being authentic or by assuming nothing at all and just taking the incident at face value.

There is what happens in life, and then there is what we tell ourselves it means. The first is a fact, the second a fabrication. If we fabricate negative meanings we poison ourselves.

Your wife can be mean and openly nasty and aggressive—by all means be upset about that, but spare yourself the pain of getting angry at meanings you’ve attached to life’s events, it hurts you more than anybody else.

Stay strong, you’ll make it!

My ExW was in a huge hurry to move out. She went out looking at condos on a Saturday morning and by Sunday afternoon had signed a P&S. Unfortunately she didn’t understand that the condo fees were monthly vs annually. Now she’s lived there for three years and can’t afford it, and has had it on the market for 14 months. No one will buy it because the fees are so high. Karma will take care of your W, don’t worry.

Acc

[Holding]

There is what happens in life, and then there is what we tell ourselves it means. The first is a fact, the second a fabrication. If we fabricate negative meanings we poison ourselves.

Thanks for the reality check, Acc. I really needed to hear this.

I suppose me trying to interpret her actions is a form of mind reading. It's hard to shake the feeling of being manipulated, but at least now I'm aware of the fabrication.

I guess there's no harm in seeing this whole thing at face value. She was confused (she actually referred to it the other day as a lapse in judgement, FWIW). But the next day she was back on her path to pursue the D. She simply flip-flopped. It wasn't the first time.

I guess I should go easy on myself for seeing it as a sign she might be having second thoughts. I have made mistakes, and I will continue to make them.

[doodler]

I have made mistakes, and I will continue to make them.

Holding,

I made every mistake possible, but there's one thing I can tell you with absolute certainty, I'm no longer a rotten husband.

[joejoe1]

Holding,

They are not mistakes. Take the information you learned from those scenarios and apply it for the next time. We can only go off what we know and try. We are testing certain encounters as well. It didn't go well, but now you know, for the next encounter that happens. You can damp your expectations and take what she is telling you at face value for the moment.

Our spouses will be roller coasters. The will be up and down, decided and undecided from day to day. We have to be the ones that stand firm on what we want and need for ourselves. There is only uncertainty with our S. We don't have a clue on the outcome either. So for us as LBS, the one thing we can be certain of is becoming better, because that's all we can control. It's hard to become happy in these Sitchs but it's not impossible. But redefining the impossible has been happening since the beginning of time.

It's no more you play off of her feelings, start playing off of your feelings only, detach. Happiness bequeath happiness, joy bequeaths joy, and positive bequeaths positive.

Don't become happy, joyful, or positive for nobody but Holding. I know you can do it.

[Holding]

Thanks Doodler and JoeJoe. I am trying to learn from what I've done wrong - it's tempting to beat myself up over it (that's the old me), but I know that's not productive.

Last night I had another session with my IC. I realized I've seen her 17 times since the beginning of May. Wow.

Anyway, I know it's her job to empathize with me, but her jaw dropped at least twice as I told her about all the craziness I've dealt with in the last week. I asked her about the issue of "fabrication" that Acc brought up. She agreed that I do need to make sure I'm not telling myself stories about things instead of examining what's really happening. But she did say there were several examples of STBXW blatantly trying to bully me and harass me. She said she's proud of me for not giving in to STBXW.

Last night STBXW was working on her computer, doing her own household inventory I think, and she put on some Christian music. I'm thinking "really?" I mean, I guess she needs her own comfort through this whole process, and everyone wants to see themselves as the "right" party.

It makes me think about her side of things. I know we mostly think of things from the POV of the LBS (with the exception of Sandi's comments). It's dangerous to let your mind wander into that dark place where the WAS lives. There's nothing but pain there. But it's hard not to wonder what she's going through. I do feel sorry that she's been hurt so much that she feels she needs to do this.

What's the difference between mind reading and empathy?

[lcause]

I've done this as well and I think it's not really all that good, even though sometimes I'd REALLY want to know what the WAS is thinking. Especially with the contact and how amicable she is towards me, how she laughs etc. It just seems odd to me because why couldn't we try to work on it then?

I'd say the difference is that with mind reading you obsess about it and invent your own outcomes (e.g. how I'd like to think why she is so friendly towards me after all this), with empathy you are genuinely feeling bad for her (e.g. just like you said there, that you're sorry she had to go through it and felt she had to do this).

[Holding]

I completed my documents and inventory for my L yesterday and submitted them. It felt good to be done, but so sad that our M has come to this. At times I still wish I could go back to that cr@ppy old M, instead of this uncertain future. I know that's the fear of change. That old M will never be back, no matter what happens in the future. So for now, mediation is next.

A few days ago I pulled out my wedding ring to possibly have it appraised. I decided to try it on. It felt familiar, but it looked strange on my hand. The indentation where it used to sit on my finger is slowly disappearing. I'm not sure if it'll ever completely go away, but for me it's just another sign that I'm moving on.

Last night I think STBXW was trying to get under my skin. She's got a bachelorette party this weekend, and there was a Victoria's Secret bag sitting by the front door all night. You'd think she would put something like that in her room. I never said anything about it.

While S10 and I played the xbox in the living room, she sat in there for about 45 minutes talking on the phone. She was talking about the plans for the bachelorette party, meeting up with everyone, etc. Then she talked to someone else about a D they're going through, and she seemed to be giving this person support, saying things like "Sometimes you just need a good cry", "Just take it a day at a time", and "Can you change the locks". I heard her mention she was going to Divorce Care.

That brought me back to thinking about things from her perspective. It's hard to imagine how she sees me as the bad guy that she needs to escape, but she probably does.

I've lost a lot of emotional momentum this week. My GAL efforts have been lacking lately. I've got the kids this weekend since she'll be off, so I need to find some fun stuff for us to do. I think we all need a little pick-up.

[doodler]

Last night I think STBXW was trying to get under my skin. She's got a bachelorette party this weekend, and there was a Victoria's Secret bag sitting by the front door all night. You'd think she would put something like that in her room. I never said anything about it.

Another missed DB opportunity. You're supposed to sneak out and get the lingerie out of the bag and put it on. Then you take a picture of yourself wearing whatever was in the bag. Put the stuff back in the bag. Then, while your wife is at the party, send her the picture you took of yourself.

I've lost a lot of emotional momentum this week. My GAL efforts have been lacking lately. I've got the kids this weekend since she'll be off, so I need to find some fun stuff for us to do. I think we all need a little pick-up.

It's a great time of year to go camping and enjoy the outdoors with your sons.

[Holding]

Another missed DB opportunity. You're supposed to sneak out and get the lingerie out of the bag and put it on. Then you take a picture of yourself wearing whatever was in the bag. Put the stuff back in the bag. Then, while your wife is at the party, send her the picture you took of yourself.

Dude, I needed that laugh. Thanks!

[joejoe1]

Holding,

I think it's perfectly find to ask your wife to leave the room if you feel she is being somewhat disrespectful while talking on the phone around you and your kids. But if it really don't bother you just ignore it.

I would of picked up the bag and looked in it. I could of been some lotion. She really might be trying to get a reaction out of you. Would you have asked before BD what was in the bag? IMO becoming confident is getting back to who your were with better tools to deal with problems that arise in our lives. If you would of asked before, I don't see a problem with asking now. You could have said, "what's in the bag?". If she says something like, "none of your business", you shrug your shoulders and walk off. If she says, "why?", you say just curious. If she tells you, then great, you say, "nice." And then walk off. All three of those scenarios, you were calm cool and weren't pushy.