I get what your saying. And it's notvas if I am waiting for my W to feel the consequences for her actions. But it feels as if I to be the bigger person and take the hit for her actions. Which in turn blocks her from feeling the consequences that she should be receiving.
For example, say these two were messing around. People on this board suggested that I should just quit. So he could keep his job and my W could continue to show volunteering. That would be me taking the hit, while those doing wrong go unscathed. There comes a point where we need to stop shaming LBS by saying they're making themselves victims. And let them know that it's alright to shine a light on these WS and OP on occasion.
I for one am not sacrificing opportunity for WW who I am currently filed papers on. The days if thinking of W first are gone. And if someone decided to risk their career, because keeping it in his pants was impossible for him. Then I should have right to think of myself over these two without shame.
If you quit to protect yourself, you're doing it for yourself. But if you shine the light on them, you're not really doing that for yourself. Your brain may *tell* you you're doing the right thing bc you're not covering for your W, but that's your brain trying to rationalize your actions.
Sometimes we decide something emotionally, almost subconsciously, then our brain comes in to rationalize things and try to provide an explanation after the fact.
I'm speaking from experience here, unfortunately.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Now people on here are telling me that I should just quit without giving a reason once again to cover up for my no good WE. So when do these consequences for my WW come in? Because once it seems that Inam being told to be the bigger person potentially at my own expense. We're told to improve and make ourselves better. I did that by working with this organization.
Im not saying you should quit at all. Thats a choice you can make one way or another. I said if you are GOING to quit, then I dont see the value in taking everyone down with you. Its not about covering for her, I am absolutely not suggesting you say anything untruthful. My point is only that I dont see how reporting them on your way out the door does anyone any good. Youre saying this is at your expense, but if you are going to quit anyway, then how does getting the two of them fired benefit you?
Please take a step back and look at your posts. They all come across as "I got hurt. My W deserves to get hurt for it." As Ginger said, at some point, it wont matter any more. Going around and making sure she gets some pain out of this isnt good for anyone.
So Your suggestion is for me to quit and lie why I am leaving? That would be covering up for them. Unless you have a good story on what I should tell the director? I'm all ears on what you think I should tell him. My post come across as I stepped away from my W and she inserted herself in my sitch.
I have no intent on quoting, but I refuse to work with this guy if he is messing with my W. And if it comes down to him, W and myself. Then I will report him and a termination is what he will face. Nothing to do with being hurt. It's called doing the right thing and looking out for myself. He would be messing himself over in this case.
Once again, if I quit then I have to explain. And I will not lie for this woman anymore. Quiting would be for my peace of mind if it came down to it.
Shining a light would be explaining why I would be leaving. It's not as if I would be sending an email out to everyone. But I have to let them know why I am quoting, especially considering that I signed an agreement to dobthis. Should I say that I woke up one day and simply didn't want to do this one day? Its not about being eager to tell in W.
But I shouldn't have to sit here and think of a way of possibly explaining myself, so W won't look bad to the director. If she cared about looking bad, then she should consider her actions. Honestly what benefit is it to bend over backwards to protect this woman. Not every decision. Is an act of revenge. Sometimes it's honestly just looking out for myself. She imposed herself on me as you recall.
Your wife is volunteering for this organization? It seems like that's a good explanation, "My wife and I are getting divorced, so I need to step away from projects she is involved in."
Given that you have no evidence this employee is involved with your wife now, that means any future involvement would be post the filing. I'm not sure it's a fireable offense unless this is a religious institution.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Once again, lying for my W. And forcing myself to leave because of their wrongdoing. At the moment I have no intent to leave the organization. Plus I am being paid, W is volunteering. So that excuse won't fly most likely.
It's not a religious organization. But this group is always in the paper going toe to toe with the school board trying to make change. This organization has people in high positions who would like to see it gone. So one of the top guys being found using his position to pick up a parent/volunteer/wife would be a bullseye. This guys boss and the board would likely dismiss him by lunch to save the reputation of the organization. That is how serious this would be.
Once again, lying for my W. And forcing myself to leave because of their wrongdoing. At the moment I have no intent to leave the organization. Plus I am being paid, W is volunteering. So that excuse won't fly most likely.
How is it lying? What did I suggest you say that is untrue? She did serve you with divorce papers, right? And you clearly need to distance yourself from her for your mental health. There is no lying there. You can't force her to leave, so you need to. The fact that she is not paid and you are does not mean you can control her.
Originally Posted By: Tread
It's not a religious organization. But this group is always in the paper going toe to toe with the school board trying to make change. This organization has people in high positions who would like to see it gone. So one of the top guys being found using his position to pick up a parent/volunteer/wife would be a bullseye. This guys boss and the board would likely dismiss him by lunch to save the reputation of the organization. That is how serious this would be.
This makes no sense. You said yourself that she is the one pursuing him. And he's resisted so far, so he's clearly not the initiator. Why would it be a big deal for someone in an organization to be romantically involved with a volunteer? Even someone high up? He's not her boss, and he's not using his position to intimidate her into something she doesn't want. I get that you still see her as your wife, but you live separately and divorce papers have been filed. I don't see the scandal, if they do get involved.
It sure sounds like you are looking to take this guy down, because your wife wants him.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
It's a lie, because that wouldn't be the reason for me leaving. The reason would be the guy I trusted would be messing with my W. And it actually would make perfect sense. It would be looked at as him taking advantage of his position, which is recruiting volunteers. It would be looked at badly for messing with someone else wife.
We live in the bible belt of all places and it would be look bad on the organization, which is why they gave strict rules for us on the committee. So imagine how they do their employees. And the excuse she came at me wouldn't fly. Nobody is out to get this guy. If you look above, I actually respect and like the guy. But if he is doing dirt, then the blame is on him for putting his job at risk.
If I had my way, I would be able to enjoy the position I signed up for without my W messing things up. But apparently she is determined to make things difficult. After the divorce and they got together, then it would be no issue. And hopefully by then, I would have performed my duties and moved on. But right my W is in the wrong. And I am searching for the best way of handling it without having to quit or give a bs excuse for leaving. No longer going to run from W. That logic is what lost her respect to begin with.
Also since this woman is no longer my W, according to the separation and papers filed logic. Does that mean that I am free to see other women? The funny part of this whole thing is that the guy my W fell in love with would have burned down everything on his way out of the MR. No one would have been safe.
Now I feel like a shell of that person. Asking if I should somehow do something that benefits myself at the expense of the person causing damage. Sandi is right about the WW smelling weakness. It's as if my W is testing me on a regular basis just to see how far she can go.
A city full of men and W decided to pursue this guy. This guy isn't even a stud. Just an overweight guy who is cool. Its like she wants to push the limits to see if I will turn back into that early 20 something. Am I to treat this woman as if I would an enemy, because what the feeling is at this point. And I know her new BFF is pushing for this behavior. The old one moves and she finds a replacement.
