My compliments are basic. An you help with a few examples.
I have been in almost 16 and half years. Yes I plan on retiring. I'm military intelligence. So I can't really talk about my work with my wofe which complicates things more.
I'm familiar with that as my dad was in the intelligence field and family members are now. Growing up with that was hard when he'd get stressed at work and we had 9 kids in our family and dad had poor coping skills back then...too bad for him and for my mom and for us.
Maybe you can discuss who is a jerk, who is funny, hardworking at work, or good at the office functions, or introduce other families so you all can support each other and know what you can, about each other's work...
My wife wants to get her master's She is a huge procrastinator.
STOP^^^.
Re- frame "She has a lot of interests."
I gavr her 24 months of my post 9-11 GI bill 2 years ago. Curious. Did you pay for it or did the VA? I'm just curious. My h talks a lot about the VA benefits he "gave" our d20...(While cutting her off, as well). In his case, it cost him nothing...
Joe Joe, for a moment, put aside your w's BD. Is this really a good family time for you to go back to school, anyhow? You did say you want to put your marriage and family first, so give that some thought.
Your kids are not this age forever.
She still hasnt started college. She wants to work. She wants to start college, she just can never stay committed. REFRAME...OMG ....ever wonder why she might doubt herself or her skills? Just asking...
I was helping trying to get some of the steps done. But it's her journey now. If she ask me for help I have no problem doing that.
I was working on my Master's in public administration, but I took a knee on that once BD hit. Couldnt concentrate. makes sense. I'm in a divorcecare support group and most people there have commented that they cannot believe they are keeping their jobs. Some say they are glad to throw themselves into their jobs.
You do what you need to do to conserve your inner resources and spend them wisely.
My wife is a huge caring person. She loves helping people out and I truly love that about her. She is awesome with our boys. And she can walk into any room and make herself home. She's very creative, I mean really creative.
-- So
she's really a compassionate person. She has a lot of meaningful friendships & close family ties. With good reason.
Great people skills, empathetic, and connects with people well. When she chooses a field to pursue or job she likes, she'll be at ease
(telling her she will "excel" might seem like setting her up for failure which is in the back of her mind. I get where she's coming from I think).
Oh and What a great example she is for the kids! Speaking of whom, thank God she's such a good mom b/c the kids will grow up knowing they are loved, which is the greatest gift parents can give. They'll know they have worth, and value, and because of that they will see the value and worth of the person they choose to marry, and will be able to love deeply too.
(Your choosing to fight for the marriage reflects this^^ too.)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm having a lot of thoughts of throwing in the towel. Im so lost in this area. I know people on here say they can't tell us how long to fight, but I don't know how much more I can take. I find it a little selfish on my part. My wife put up with my stuff for over 5 years. And I want my boys to know I never gave up. I'm conflicted
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
You habe nothing to feel guilty about. There is a OM in the picture, which changes the dynamic of yiur patience. For example if my W just needed sometime apart and work things out, then I would no problem sitting her , making my changes for as long as it took for her to come back to the MR.
But instead there is a OM in the picture, which is a game changer. Not to mention potential OM she has set up for when she can't get assess to OM1 who is her main obsession. Why should any H or W be expected to be patient through that mess? So is she supposed to have great time and then if we recon. W gets to have her H and family back?
I decided that I will not be plan B. And if you seriously want your W back. Them she needs to see that your willing to walk out that door, because of her behavior. You did nothing this bad to deserve this. Hell you took care of your family. Yes you could have done things differently like myself. But they could have really had a conversation with us. Not talk to everybody else.
What truly gets me is that our W's decided not to talk to us directly and jumped ship without even giving a chance to work it out. WTF right? If I had known she was so miserable - and she wasn't as miserable as she's making it out to be as she hugely revised our marriage history - I would've rolled up the sleeves to make it work.
As you said, no one can tell you how long you should stand for your MR. As Tread noted, with an OM in the picture it's so much more difficult because they get to go out and live this life and just expect that if they come back the H is going to be waiting with open arms? GTFO here. You have to move on.
I will say this though about 'throwing in the towel' as you put it. Don't give up on the MR from a place of pain and discomfort. I know it may seem the easy way to do it, but I don't think you will come out on the other side as a stronger and better person. Walking the discomfort path is for the LBS to figure out where their weaknesses were and own up to them - which you have - and then make amends for yourself, not W. You have to forgive yourself and realize that this $hit is hard and you did not create environment where she decided to have an A - she had other options, but she chose that route and for that you are not to blame. She has to own her decision and consequences for the A.
Personally, I do have an internal timeline for myself to see if anything changes - monitor and observe as MWD would say. But, more important than the timeline, I want to be able to make the decision to 'throw in the towel' from a position of strength and clarity - and not being Plan B for her. I want to get to a place of zen, self-confidence, and self-worth from where I can see exactly what I want and what I need. And that my decisions are based on my own strength rather than whatever pain she has caused me.
Have the mindset of - she's never going to want to recon. What are you going to do now? For me, if she ever wants to recon - which may be months or years from now, I will need to assess that based on where I am at and what I would require from her. But, that is from a place of strength, not revenge or vindictiveness or wanting to punish her.
I am sorry you're feeling this way but we all have our down days. Take care of your own business and throw down that alpha male that you know is inside of you and let him out. You'll be in a good place regardless of whatever W wants.
I guess I'm just getting tired of the attitude. If she doesn't want to be here, I dont understand why she dosent leave. But, I understand y'all point. Get to the best person I can be before I make any decisions.
Reading your tread Maika, I understand more clearly today. Her reactions are non and void in this situation. It's all on me. I walk away when I better.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
You habe nothing to feel guilty about. There is a OM in the picture, which changes the dynamic of yiur patience. For example if my W just needed sometime apart and work things out, then I would no problem sitting her , making my changes for as long as it took for her to come back to the MR.
But instead there is a OM in the picture, which is a game changer. Not to mention potential OM she has set up for when she can't get assess to OM1 who is her main obsession. Why should any H or W be expected to be patient through that mess? So is she supposed to have great time and then if we recon. W gets to have her H and family back?
I decided that I will not be plan B. And if you seriously want your W back. Them she needs to see that your willing to walk out that door, because of her behavior. You did nothing this bad to deserve this. Hell you took care of your family. Yes you could have done things differently like myself. But they could have really had a conversation with us. Not talk to everybody else.
Tread, I think you give the same advice to every man here.
Joe said quite plainly and with validity that he played a significant role in his marital problems, and you want him to forget all that, forget his own work,
and play the tough love game. Or just divorce her. (Maybe that worked for you?)
But it ^^ is not MWD's, approach - it's not DB's.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Do I stick it out. She's says "if we make it all the time". She is showing no signs of putting in effort for a divorce. She wants to wait until this up and coming summer to move out so we can have space. She says she needs space and time to heal. I don't know what to do with that statement.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Are you willing to wait it out in the same house until next summer? Is that going to be conducive for your emotional and mental sanity? Can she move out? I would look at these questions to see what you should do.
If she says she needs space and time to heal, then you have two options - ask her to move out or you DB like TxHubby if she can't move out. I don't really see any other option for you where you can maintain your sanity.
If she has said she needs space, validate her feelings. But, start at looking how that can be accomplished that works for you.
