that would require a lot of patience and PAIN, to get back together after 2 years. it's not much different than my situation though. OM has been waiting in the wings for over 3 years, to welcome my SO back into his arms, and they aren't skipping a beat.I wonder at times if perhaps I'm actually the OM, and she's the WAS from the first relationship. Perhaps she's come out of her fog, and realizes what she had with him was good. So, she's going home.....
Did she cheat on him with you? Or maybe you are thinking you are the rebound, please don't do that to yourself. You are letting her relationship harm your progress. You have to let go.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
So your buddy's W who was still married to him was laid up with OM for 2 years. And he still took her back? Don't know if I would still be around for that.
I've said this in various threads, but in my opinion this is exactly why there aren't more recons. It's not because of the WAS, it's because of the LBS. I have around a dozen male friends and family that have been BD'd. Granted that's a small sampling of the world, but in all of those cases the WAS eventually wanted to recon. In some cases it was many years later. In no cases was it less than a year. Two of the couples did recon, the other 10 LBSs wanted to have nothing to do with their WAS when she tried to recon. They were done and had moved on. So you say you wouldn't be around for that, I say I'm not surprised. You are with the majority.
I just mention it because I really do believe that for those that want to recon, I mean really, really want it, they will probably get a chance. But you have to be exceedingly patient, and most of us just aren't. What if I told you to wait 6 months for your W? You'd do it. How about a year? Maybe. 5 years? Probably not. 10 years? No way. But it could take 10 years!
Originally Posted By: Maika
To add to Tread, do you know what type of work did he put his W through before he took her back? I have a feeling that he wasn't waiting around for her, but she came back and he saw that the R still had merit.
You are right, he absolutely was not waiting for her. He had completely moved on. He was on to a different business, living in a new place, and content with his new life. He wasn't dating or anything, he chose not to. When she started contacting him again he told me about it and I asked if he wanted to recon, and he said he didn't really care. He said he was open to it but he didn't care whether they got back together or not. He definitely wasn't wasting his days and nights pining over her, LOL! He made her do all the work, not because he was DB'ing (he doesn't even know what it is) but because he wasn't going to lift a finger to chase her after what she had done.
Now around here we advise going to IC and MC before reconciling so you can work out the issues that caused the S or D in the first place, he didn't do any of that. I'm not saying he was right not to, but now that they're back together and their walls are down they're very happy again despite not having put much effort into "patching things back up". They just reconnected and dated and decided they wanted to be together again, there really wasn't much more to it than that.
I wonder at times if perhaps I'm actually the OM, and she's the WAS from the first relationship. Perhaps she's come out of her fog, and realizes what she had with him was good. So, she's going home.....
That thought did cross my mind as well. When I read it I was thinking how if it was OM posting here, he'd be talking about you as the OM and how his WAS finally came out of the fog and wanted to recon and everyone would be telling him how great that is. I guess we never stop to think about it from the OM's perspective, that from your perspective he is the OM and from his, you are. It just goes to show that a WAS leaves wreckage behind all over the place. There's no scenario where everyone wins.
Did she cheat on him with you? Or maybe you are thinking you are the rebound, please don't do that to yourself. You are letting her relationship harm your progress. You have to let go.
No, she ran from him too. There relationship was apparently great, but he said that marrying him gave him anxiety, and she was OUT. Blocked him from all social media, phones, emails. I met her 6 months later
I do feel absolutely devastated. My feeling of emptiness, hurt and confusion have never been stronger. I am having a very difficult time dealing with the process and pulling myself up.....Ive been trying to GAL, but I keep getting pulled back down, once I am alone. I feel completely alone, and I don't know how to turn my emotions around....
So sorry for where you are, Swoop. No advice from me, just wanted to drop in and say a word of encouragement. Keep hanging in there, and keep posting. Someone is usually here around the clock due to the geography of us all. But then you know all that since this isn't your first rodeo here.
((((( swoop ))))))
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I am sorry where you are at right now Swoop. Totally relate to it and I have an idea of what you're feeling. All I can offer is what I went through and see if any of it speaks to you.
I think that you have to give yourself time to grieve the MR. I posted in my sitch that the whole BD and first month or two of the separation felt like I was in a never ending funeral - the darkness, pain, emptiness and hurt was always consistently there.
I GAL'd quite a bit in that time and it really helped with taking my mind off the sitch and I also felt quite rejuvenated to be doing some things that I've been wanting to do for a long time - I started with things that I was either passionate about already or I was really intrigued by and wanted to try it. Even then, I would think about her all the time and the beginning period was super lonely.
On top of this forum, having IC was very helpful, and I am still doing it. I am not sure if you bury your emotions, but one thing that I did was not fight how I was feeling - no matter how awful that feeling was. Whether it was anger, resentment, sadness, rage, fear, melancholy etc. I let myself truly feel what I was feeling so that I understood what it was emotionally and then did something to process it constructively. So, I would go to an art show, movie, or even a drive playing music that I love to let the emotions subside and pass. What I didn't do was let myself wallow in the emotion and let it eat me alive. I know it did in the beginning and that's normal because you're dealing with such a shock to your system.
The other thing that has really helped in the past 3 weeks is truly coming to a place of acceptance that W is gone and the MR is dead. There is no going back to it and that the future is not apocalyptic. As soon as I really accepted this, it lifted a great burden off my shoulders - I didn't have to worry about how to interpret anything she said or did, and just focus on myself. Over the last few weeks, I have thought of her less and less and I feel more calm and grounded.
So, take that for what it's worth. We're not robots and this is gut wrenching stuff - i bawled my eyes out so many nights. I would say don't suppress how you feel, but then don't decide to live in that emotion and keep victimizing yourself. Remember that you do have control over yourself and life and that you can take it back - one day at a time in the beginning.
Phoenix always rises from the ashes and that's what we all are. I am going to get that as a tat at the end of 12 months or whenever I feel I have reached zen.
Thank you all for the kind words and constructive advice. I truly appreciate you reaching out to me. I need the human interaction, even if it's in the form of writing on a forum. I know you're all real people, with real emotion, going through similar struggles. It's comforting to to know that you empathize in what I am going through.
SOOOO, I am going to shower, take some ativan and go to a BBQ I was invited to. I know that GAL is going to be my savior. I need to start that process now.....
