Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[dusty70]

Holding, as I haven't done this yet but I do have to agree with the three above me on this. My W will be asked to leave the house in the next couple of days. We(the kids and me) don't need her anymore! We want her but don't need her. I just wish I had the strength to do this months ago. She is adding nothing anymore, all the things she used to do she doesn't, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, etc..... she only cooks and prepares meals for herself now, I have taken on everything and I love it! I think this is just the next step in detachment. It is the only way for you(us) to move on, or at least act like your're moving on. Good luck! It is getting easier.

[AnotherStander]

On the trust issue, her position seems to be that I've been keeping secrets from her by not telling her where I'm going and who I'm with.

And that is her business because ___________. (fill in the blank) How dare you get a life!

She came in the MBR and this time laid on the bed where she used to sleep. She rolled on her side and faced me. She asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about. I told her I thought she wanted to talk; I didn't really have much to bring up, but was open to letting her take the lead.

She asked when I thought we could do mediation.

Well there you go. If you thought yesterday was anything other than a temp check, that should answer that! How sweet of her to try and bait you into talking first, I'm sure what she was hoping was for you to say "I just want to say I still love you and will wait for you forever and ever" so that she could get a little more mileage out of sticking that knife between your ribs. Why just stick it straight in when you can twist it like a corkscrew?

I told her, probably in the middle of next month. She said she was hoping we could do it sooner.

Awww, the S train just can't move fast enough for her!

She asked how I would feel if she moved out. I told her she could if she wanted to. She said the tension in the house between us has been very uncomfortable for her, until the conversation we had the night before. I agreed. I think she was expecting me to try to talk her out of it.

All your responses to her were spot on. Nicely done! That is exactly what you needed to do. Open the cage door. You don't push her out, you just open the door. If she wants to leave then that's her right and you will respect her decision.

She told me I've done nothing in the past 3 months to show her that I wanted our R. She said I've been distant and cold.

This is in the WAS handbook. Page 172, paragraph 3. The instructions state "use the following line as a method to deflect blame from you to your LBH and keep him off balance. Say it as angrily as possible for maximum effect. If he cries and asks for a tissue, tell him to use his sleeve."

I said she is the one who filed, she is the one who's lawyer is moving the case forward. I said I've seen no signs from her that she's not 100% full-steam ahead on this.

We just both paused for a minute. Then she said she was going to put in an offer on a house, and she wanted to know if I'd be willing to sign a paper saying I wouldn't try to claim the house if it closes before the D is final.

I mean WOW. No rebuttal at all to your comments that she's the one moving things forward, LOL! And she follows that up with a request for you to sign away rights!! She needs to go back to the WAS handbook, she totally missed the part where she's supposed to soften you up first with carrots such as "maybe things will work out in the future, this is just temporary" and perhaps some gratuitous sex.

I told her I needed to think about this and talk to my L. I asked if she was planning on using her retirement funds to help with the purchase of the house, and she said I needed to talk to my L about that.

Good response again. Given her attitude I'm not sure I would bother talking to your L, just tell her no, you can't sign the paper. If she wants to buy a house she can wait until the D is finalized. You can't stop the D but that doesn't mean you need to make yourself a doormat either.

[Holding]

Thanks for the encouragement, y'all! I've actually been hoping she would leave. But now that it's facing me, I do have a moment of doubt and sadness that it's happening. I frankly resent that she almost made it seem like my response would affect her decision, like I'm partly responsible. Just take your cr@p and go!

Well there you go. If you thought yesterday was anything other than a temp check, that should answer that! How sweet of her to try and bait you into talking first, I'm sure what she was hoping was for you to say "I just want to say I still love you and will wait for you forever and ever" so that she could get a little more mileage out of sticking that knife between your ribs. Why just stick it straight in when you can twist it like a corkscrew?

You know, the cruelty of all this is what really gets me the most. I mean, what motivates her to be this evil? I guess it's the selfishness. It's not really a purposeful vengeance against me, it's just that I happen to be in her steamroller's path, and she really needs to get to the store for some ice cream.

Look - my sister was a WAW, and she's been a great counsel to me through this whole process. But even she says she never tormented her XH like this or played these kind of games with him. IT JUST MAKES ME SO ANGRY! SHE'S SO FAKE! FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE!!!!!!

(okay, I feel a little better now)

She needs to go back to the WAS handbook, she totally missed the part where she's supposed to soften you up first with carrots such as "maybe things will work out in the future, this is just temporary"

Ah, AS, that was the night before, with all the talk of her 2 friends who ended up back together with their exes. I guess she could have done a better job of connecting the dots though.

and perhaps some gratuitous sex.

I'm in before Doodler calls dibs on this!

(Wait, "in"? I'm just making it worse.)

Given her attitude I'm not sure I would bother talking to your L, just tell her no, you can't sign the paper. If she wants to buy a house she can wait until the D is finalized. You can't stop the D but that doesn't mean you need to make yourself a doormat either.

I did end up talking to the L anyway, and she advised me not to sign, of course. I wasn't really considering it, as I had a bad feeling about the whole thing. The second STBXW mentioned it, I knew it was fishy. I was also concerned about her using certain funds as a downpayment, but my L said not to worry, it'll all come out in the end, and the judge will not look kindly on any fraud. My L did ask if my STBXW smokes pot, because she's obviously living in Lala Land.

[Holding]

I tried a little experiment last night. JoeJoe has encouraged me to smile more and make small talk with my STBXW. So in spite of how I feel about her, I decided to go with JoeJoe's recommendations. At this point, there's nothing left to lose.

She seemed a little caught off guard when she came home and I asked her how her day was. She disappeared into her room for a good while. But when she came out, she was asking about my car sitch. She asked what my plans were for the boys this weekend. And we talked about how S14 never wants to do anything but stay home.

Some other things:
- She asked "Are you okay?"
- She asked "What's wrong?"
- She stood close to me when she talked.
- She asked me if a dress looked okay on her, and I said yes. She's got a big social event she's going to tonight.
- She told me about a BBQ at her brother's house this weekend, and said I was invited, but understood if I didn't want to go.

At the end of the night, she said "Holding, I know this is a sh1tty situation we're going through, but I want you to know I'm trying to be civil and get along with you. We're going to be a part of each other's lives because of the kids, so I hope we can be friends." While she said this I made sure I wore a pleasant expression, and at the end I nodded and said thanks.

My takeaway is that she totally wants to friendzone me and cake eat. She wasn't disrespectful or nasty all night, because she's getting her way now. It is easier to be around her when she's in a good mood.

I suppose I could keep this up, but I don't really know what the point would be. It alleviates the tension in the house, but it's just a hollow charade. And I feel like I'm stifling myself by going through the motions.

[Maika]

It seems like you were worse off after this interaction than before. I am all up for being positive and chill in short interactions, but the in-house situation makes that very difficult to keep up.

"Holding, I know this is a sh1tty situation we're going through, but I want you to know I'm trying to be civil and get along with you. We're going to be a part of each other's lives because of the kids, so I hope we can be friends."

My W basically said the same thing to me, to which I had told her that I have no interest in being her friend. I will be civil and get along with her and communicate completely when it came to the kids, but outside of that, I am not her friend. She didn't say anything to that, but NC and going dark has conveyed that message as well, which is good for me emotionally. I don't care if she thinks I don't care anymore.

I think it is an attempt to friendzone and if you're okay with that, go for it, but I don't think that's the case. I am certainly not okay with that.

[joejoe1]

Holding,

I think you did great. Now you take your confidence, happiness, and joy back. Once you see she don't control any of those things, you will begin to be yourself more around her.

You can ask anybody on this planet how their day is. It's a questions you could your neighbor or sister. If she wants to go into more let her.

AS, talks about detaching with love. We dont have to be mean, and angry, what is that going to prove. I'm of the mindset that I will not let any person make me angry anymore. If I want to smile I will. You cant become happy if you are allowing a person to keep you angry.

Also, if she says she wants to be friends while being pleasant say, "I'm your husband, not a friend". And let the conversation continue.

This is hard, and by far the hardest thing I ever had to do.

We can't control the outcome, we can only control ourselves. And every decision made along this journey can be with, confidence and joy, no matter the outcome. Let no person steal your joy and they will no longer disrespect are take you for granted.

[AnotherStander]

You know, the cruelty of all this is what really gets me the most. I mean, what motivates her to be this evil?

My XW started out that way, and she actually told me she was doing it because she thought it would make the transition to D easier on me. Easier! Wow! But she said she felt so bad treating my like crap that she couldn't do it, and she never did again from that point on. I guess it doesn't bother your W as much, LOL!

She needs to go back to the WAS handbook, she totally missed the part where she's supposed to soften you up first with carrots such as "maybe things will work out in the future, this is just temporary"

Ah, AS, that was the night before, with all the talk of her 2 friends who ended up back together with their exes. I guess she could have done a better job of connecting the dots though.

Duh, not sure how I forgot that so quickly.

and perhaps some gratuitous sex.

I'm in before Doodler calls dibs on this!

Take it from me, it's not worth it. Post BD sex with a WAS is pretty joyless, haha!

I was also concerned about her using certain funds as a downpayment, but my L said not to worry, it'll all come out in the end, and the judge will not look kindly on any fraud.

On the one hand your L is right, but on the other hand when it comes to D time it doesn't matter how much you're awarded if your spouse has already blown it all on a wild spending spree. That happens a lot! The court can demand that they pay you, but in the end they may or may not bother to do so. Enforcement can be tricky business.

[Holding]

Thanks for the responses Maika, JoeJoe, and AS!

Maika, I have no intention of settling into a permanent friend zone. I can see how this could be useful to diffuse volatile sitches in the short term though, or possibly law low for a while.

JoeJoe, I think I'm starting to understand you on this. Me smiling is the first step in making MYSELF happy. It's not primarily for her - it's for me. It's part of detaching. I AM looking to totally break all emotional bond with STBXW, and I have been letting her steal my joy and happiness. I need to take it back.

AS, it's funny about the sex. As I first read DR, I made ML one of my long term goals with STBXW. I was determined to woo her back and was hyper-focused on it. But now I can see how it would be totally awkward and unappealing. I'm not gonna lie - the angry part of me still hopes she tries to throw that at me, just so I can reject it.

I actually went back and re-read my post where STBXW was talking about her confusion. When we talked, I guess I focused on the confusion, but the real message I think STBXW was sending me was friendship. Looking at it through that lens makes more sense. I guess I don't want to see her as totally evil. Hmmm... maybe I'm still in the bargaining stage after all.

You know what? I shouldn't be wasting my time trying to mind read. I know better. Time to not care what she thinks.

[joejoe1]

Holding,

AS 2x4ed me on that caring what she thinks aspect. Not caring and believing in none of what they and 50% of what they do are two different things. The whole point to that statement is if they make a statement and follow it up with action then give it merit, but our S, say something, with no action, thens it's unbelievable.

You absolutely right, with the paragraph you explained back to me. She no longer has control over you and that means, your happiness and joy as well. If you can become happy and joyful in this horrible situation,

1. Consider how strong and confident you will be.

2. After going through, what else could ever steal your joy and happiness.

3. Who don't wont to be around, a happy, confident, joyful, positive, optimistic person. What you give off is what you get in return. Period.

4. IMO, we all on here what some form of revenge (I know we shouldn't but we do), but I think one of the ultimate revenges would be placing doubt in a person's mind, who was so resolute about how they felt about and precieved you. They just knew they had you pegged. "You will never change". Well guess what here I am better than ever.

[TBSakaJ9]

Be calm and deliberate when you speak. Check your emotions and some how you have to get over the anger. Anything less is driven from our male ego which we need to harness. We can't operate from a place of revenge. What good will that do? She will sense it, smell it just as she senses when she is loosing you. Call it what you want but I believe women in general instinctively can read a man and his actions. They can see right through us.