If nothing changes inside ME, I'm planning to file when my atty visit comes up on Nov. 6. The M is dead, and TBH, I'm not sure I ever even want to move back up north. The more of a life that I build for myself here, the less I miss the old one. I miss having a H, but I'm not even sure I miss HIM any more. Certainly not the "new" H. I don't even LIKE him.
I've cried a lot lately, deep wracking sobs that just come on with no obvious trigger..... but I think that is grief over what I thought my future looked like, rather than sadness at the end of the marriage.
Way to go on the new job. It sounds perfect for you now.
I think I feel the same. I miss having a w but not the person she has become.
Can you share some of those tears? I haven’t been able to squeeze out a single one.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I'm weird with the tears too. Cried my eyes out when the older family dog died, (and h was a jerk, to boot). Cried the anniversary of mom's death, which came a day after my wedding anniversary.
A few tears I stifle down about every month or so. Like when I hear a song on the radio or at the big family wedding last month. I had to "REDIRECT" my thoughts fast.
But sobbing? Twice, in the past year. And with other things triggering it.
Believe me, it's not for lack of caring. I don't get it.
I'll address it in T and fwiw, Leah,
I do wish I could. Weird.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
not positive what or whom i miss. I feel my life lacks structure and direction.
Which annoys me - deeply - b/c it means h provided that, and what really is true, is that for the past several years, I revolved around HIS dreams and hoped HE would stop feeling restless. So that I could direct myself.
Like I did not allow myself to pursue (or even know anymore)my dreams b/c they might not jive with the "family/marriage"
which meant jive with h.
And turns out he resented my lack of direction, or says that.
Jesus. REDIRECT time.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Try not to be too quick on the trigger. Make sure it is what you want before you go forward. Don't forget to discuss the choice of law issues (where you are best to file) with your lawyer, as well as how long he has been at the new job and what an income hike it is for him.
Glad to hear you are keeping yourself busy and really digging into your life there. I would love to take a rideshare and find myself in your car. It would be such a blast.
Ownit, you are right. I had a great IC session this morning, and she advised the same thing.
I want some financial security, which is on of the main reasons I had planned to just file. That, coupled with my disinterest in moving back into the world I left up north.
I've been hesitant to see this attorney again (not the quack, but the one who comes highly recommended, that I met with in January). I felt like I had two choices about the upcoming appointment with him. Either go in there and ask him to file, or postpone the appointment again. But truth be told, when I met with him in January, I was such an open wound that I honestly do not remember much of what he even said. I took no notes, cried the whole time, and paid him $450.
Now that I'm thinking MUCH clearer, I think it may be worth the $ to meet with him again, have a list of my proposed items prepared, take good notes, ask his opinion of what he thinks I can ask for, find out what his retainer will be (which they can't tell me over the phone without going over my case first), and see if there is anything I can legally do to lock down some of these finances without actually filing for divorce yet.
The little bit I DO remember from our first appointment, I THINK I remember him telling me that, at least in AL, it's either keep doing what I'm doing, or file. No middle ground, legal separation, etc.
Probably for my own peace of mind, that will be my best option right now. I guess I've hesitated doing that, since I already DID that, and came away with nothing. But again, I was half alive at the time of that appointment. It's a wonder I even was able to drive to his office that day. I felt like I was losing my mind.
My IC was telling me today that she wishes I could see myself now, compared to my first visit to see her. She thinks I'm not being easy enough on myself, because I can only see how I feel right now, not how far I've come in healing.
SO, I'm going to cut myself some slack and be proud of the fact that I AM healing. All these crazy emotions: anger, sadness, grief, tears, fear..... are all necessary in the climb back up. This is no small "bump in the road of marriage" that we've all been through. This is complete, utter devastation and blow up of a life you thought you had. Healing from that is going to take much longer.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
It's pouring down rain, turning cold, my Mama is here and she is a lot like my H- let's just pretend like life is grand so we don't have to deal with anything. All she can do is sit here and read jokes off Facebook. As I struggle to hold back tears.
My mothering traits are so VERY different from hers. No way could I sit in a room with my child who is fighting back tears, and ignore them. Even at my age, it hurts.
I know this will pass, but right now I'm fighting to just hang on.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I am sorry that you are having a difficult day. Shed those tears, let them all out, feel the pain and release it. Tears help us heal. I'm not making excuses for your mother, but she may not know what to say or do for you. Maybe she thinks you need to get this all out of yours system. She may think that waiting until you aren't so emotional is the best way to be there for you. Have you tried to talk to her...it could be that she is waiting for you to come to her.
I know how it feels, my mother was the same way, but when I finally exhausted myself and my tear ducts had run dry, she was there to listen and a shoulder to lean on.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If you are moving to acceptance, that is a very painful time. It is letting go of all of the hope and mourning the life that you thought you'd be living. I've had some doozy days, but they get further and further apart and the crying jags get shorter and shorter.
I think Job is 100% right (as usual) you have to feel the pain and lean into it. With mom too, you have to let go of the expectations for who she should be and accept her for who she is. My mom can't love me the way I want or need to be loved, but I do know that she loves me in the best way she can.
Take a long hot bath or shower, let the tears out, put on some lovely music and try to sleep. Sleep makes everything feel better.
