Well, you used way too many words. My guess is you were trying to apply all that had been suggested. Also, when validation does come naturally for some men, they end up sounding as if they are telling a woman how she feels and what she wants. Women don't like that.
So now, just go on about your business. She is responding the way I predicted, so don't try to contact her, and don't shift your stand. Don't sweat her accusations. She just wants to keep you in a holding pattern.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I tried to merge suggestions together; which became wordy. And I probably was subconsciously trying to explain exactly where I was - but I can see how I overstepped my role in this by using soo many words. I just hope it didn't put me many steps back.
I thought my first comment had an appropriate validation.
She responded exactly how you did predict. And, I assume she is not going to want to meet today after work like we planned yesterday. I will continue NC; and I have GAL plans this weekend.
It defiantly hurts the W still does not even say anything of an apology about the A/OM; but continues to blame me for being the same person. I know deep down, I am trying NOT to be the same person I was. I am taking a firm stance on what I want in a R or a MR; I am not allowing steamrolling over my emotions by my W; I am requiring certain actions by my W in order for us to continue...which I would have never done in the past. I would simply avoid all of the by pleading with her, and begging, without caring about the A/OM, or at least not bringing it up.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
W: that's cowardly and an easy way out. Im still fighting for this clearly if I am continually reaching out and you're doing nothing. If you want something you work on it and fight for it and make an effort and I may have made mistakes in the last couple of months but I've never stopped communicating to you and I've never stopped trying to make an effort now and then and I feel nothing from you anymore.
Chris, do you know if she's having an A, or was having one but isn't anymore? You've been talking like she's actively in an A, but she makes it sound like she's not now but maybe was before ("mistakes in the last couple of months"). It's an important distinction, if she's actively having an A then I would chalk this all up to spew and stay NC but if she's not in an A then perhaps you should listen to her and try and communicate more.
All I know is W is still calling this person; due to phone billing records.
That's everything you need to answer your questions. Her telling you that she's been trying, and feels like you aren't is code for "I really need you to remain attached so I can feel like my safety net is still in place."
I promise if you give in, this will get worse instead of better.
Here's the thing to remember about a WW, if you want her back. Don't fully disclose where you stand. That's what a lot of guys don't get. If she knows everything, then she has nothing to wonder about. She really needs to wonder if she could be losing the best thing that ever happened in her life....you.
I have seen the "need to explain" in many guys who have the NGS. Work in it, b/c you do not have to explain yourself, okay? Some M men get into that habit when they have a demanding W who tends to get angry easily. They become a puppet to her mood swings and basically live around trying to keep her in a not so bad mood. That is no way for a anyone to live. You have a chance to change that dynamic, starting now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
if she's actively having an A then I would chalk this all up to spew and stay NC
Thank you; I will chalk this up like you both said, and return to NC. I will not give in; it is not an easy road; which it was never expressed to be. But I am working toward creating a better Chris (let go of the NGS, become non-dependent, and set personal boundaries).
Sandi - I get how explaining myself fully could influence her need to pursue me more...it kind of put a pause on her, b/c I just basically told her everything, and how I currently feel. That was a mistake on my part. I def was in that habit in my M (explaining myself to keep the peace).
Hopefully by me going back to NC, she will begin to wonder again... I don't know. This whole journey has been a roller coaster of emotions (cue Ron Burgundy in the phone booth).
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
if she's actively having an A then I would chalk this all up to spew and stay NC
Thank you; I will chalk this up like you both said, and return to NC. I will not give in; it is not an easy road; which it was never expressed to be. But I am working toward creating a better Chris (let go of the NGS, become non-dependent, and set personal boundaries).
Sandi - I get how explaining myself fully could influence her need to pursue me more...it kind of put a pause on her, b/c I just basically told her everything, and how I currently feel. That was a mistake on my part. I def was in that habit in my M (explaining myself to keep the peace).
Hopefully by me going back to NC, she will begin to wonder again... I don't know. This whole journey has been a roller coaster of emotions (cue Ron Burgundy in the phone booth).
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Sandi - I get how explaining myself fully could influence her need to pursue me more...it kind of put a pause on her, b/c I just basically told her everything, and how I currently feel. That was a mistake on my part. I def was in that habit in my M (explaining myself to keep the peace).
Don't beat yourself up about it. I did a huge temp check on my W almost three weeks ago because I needed to have clarity. I let her know I felt and told her everything too because I needed an answer. I know her answer is rooted in how she is feeling NOW, but I needed that to be able to move on and DB. Will she change her mind, who knows? - but I am not waiting around for it any more basically and it allowed me to not interpret anything she's doing as mixed signals.
So, keep up with the NC. I am also doing that except that I do correspond about kids. She doesn't know anything about what I am doing and all of that, which helps me in my detachment process but also creates a level of mystery for her.
I have seen the "need to explain" in many guys who have the NGS. Work in it, b/c you do not have to explain yourself, okay? Some M men get into that habit when they have a demanding W who tends to get angry easily. They become a puppet to her mood swings and basically live around trying to keep her in a not so bad mood. That is no way for a anyone to live. You have a chance to change that dynamic, starting now.
+1000
Lived it. All I wanted was for her to be happy, and I'd have done anything to make that happen. When she was angry (which was, in hindsight, most of the time!) my focus was almost always around "how to make her not angry."
The net result of this is that I lived with an entitled child. And now I'm divorced from an entitled child, who feels even MORE entitled now than she did before, and whom I will spend the next 12+ years tied to through our little girl. As sandi says, that's no way to live.
Since sandi posted in the wrong thread, I felt the need to respond in the right one.
My guess is you were trying to apply all that had been suggested. Also, when validation does come naturally for some men, they end up sounding as if they are telling a woman how she feels and what she wants. Women don't like that.