LOL.....yeah I am back on it. Home again with my oldest today who is still sick. Currently listening to a relationship podcast for my personal development.
So yeah...back to DBing. Just a frustrating day and when you think you have made changes, improved yourself but you get nothing back in return it is not a very rewarding path.
It's just so hard to imagine that she would ever get those feelings back. The only thing I can think of that is positive is that we are not doing things intentially to hurt one another. So I know she has not lost all respect for me or whatever feelings she may have lost which gives me some hope.
So yeah...back to DBing. Just a frustrating day and when you think you have made changes, improved yourself but you get nothing back in return it is not a very rewarding path.
I think in most cases when it gets to the point of ILYBNILWY the perfect DBer can't stop the run away train. It may be years down the road before your W realizes she f'd up big time.
I agree, I can see why people don't stay the course. You start off thinking 3 mths, maybe 6 mths then it goes longer and your like WTF, I am out.
I think if anyone chooses to stay the course it is because they are so comfortable and confident with themselves which enables them to handle the rollercoaster good and bad. They can also can keep their emotions in check which doesn't push the spouce to far away.
LH - I get that when it gets to the ILYBNILWY stage, it's just too late to turn the ship around in 12 months or so. May take way longer. Which brings me to your status - are you still standing for your MR and hope for a recon? What has happened that you've not cut bait and just run free?
J dawg - yeh, stuff is not for the weak but how long do you stay the course? Lets say you get to detachment and no expectations, but then there is that turning point when the LBS turns to the WAS. But there has to be a finish line for the LBS because you have to go and live your life. What is someone amazing comes around the corner after 12 months, 15 months, 24 months etc?
I get the standing for your MR and values, but that cannot be sustained indefinitely.
I think if anyone chooses to stay the course it is because they are so comfortable and confident with themselves which enables them to handle the rollercoaster good and bad. They can also can keep their emotions in check which doesn't push the spouce to far away.
I tend to think that a comfortable and confident spouse would tell a cheating spouse to p*ss-off. Maybe I'm wrong.
The fact that my W is the mother of my children I don't think I can 100% close the door on a possible recon. What I do know is that it would take an intense amount of work on her part which at the present moment I feel is next to impossible. I do know I have zero interest in being in one sided relationship which I was for the last three years.
I am running free. (still in the D process) I met a girl 11 years younger them me at the beach this past weekend. We are complete opposites but were both intrigued by one another. After spending one day with her she said your W has to be a fool to leave you.
Once you guys get to the point where you realize you are going to be fine one way or another and get your "quan" back for yourself, you will start loving life again.
The fact that my W is the mother of my children I don't think I can 100% close the door on a possible recon.
I guess I can see where you're coming from on that.
Quote:
What I do know is that it would take an intense amount of work on her part which at the present moment I feel is next to impossible.
I think this part is really important - they have to do an intense amount of work, otherwise the LBS just ends up in the same place as before. I think that so much time has passed and with water under the bridge, you would be really looking at reconnecting with someone completely new - the old W is gone you know.
Back on my game....W came over for about 10 min to check on my D who was sick. She was upbeat and in good spirits. The interesting thing is that she came rang the doorbell to the house and did just enter through the garage door. I didnt say anything to her but she is obviously trying to respect my space.
She had a new dress on, I did tell her it looked nice. She said, "Thanks", I got it before school started. After she checked on my D, she said she was off to do her workout video before she lost the motivation. I said ok cool have a good night she said you do the same and off she went.
Not sure why it hit me last night but i am ok right now.
I am not sure if this means anything or not but she is clearly not trying to respect my space without me asking her to do so and if she is dating, etc. she is clearly not trying to flaunt it in my face. Again I don't know if this is good or bad but I guess if recon is possible that might help. Not sure.
Respecting you and your space is always good. You are doing something right.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thanks G...I apprecaite it! It's good to hear that it is a positive sign.
My D is home sick again and I am doing some reading while working from home . In the book I am reading it talks about the following, hopefully you all will find it useful.
When men realize their marriage is bleeding out, they must slow down so you can find the real source of the bleeding. Panicking and thrashing about will normally lead to certain death. Triage is vitally important. Most guys want to work on everything...all at once. What I realized is there is no miracle cure. There is nothing you can do to help. The best thing you can do at the moment is stop the bleeding and to stop doing the things that will increase the bleeding. Guys are doers, we fix stuff, that doesn't work in the emergency room marriage.
If you want to have any chance of saving your patient (MR) stop doing these things immediately:
1. Angry outbursts, yelling, screaming, punching holes, etc. 2. Questions, questions and more questions. Heated Interrogation. 3. Any sentence that starts with who, what, where, why, when or how. 4. Deep, heavy, long conversations until your eyes bleed. 5. Accusations, blaming, finger pointing and complaining. 6. Ten paragraph text messages and emails. 7. Having emotional conversation in text messages. 8. Pinging her with text messages every 30 min. 9. Scouring FB, Instagram, etc. every 5 mins. 10. Snooping, spying and interviewing family and friends 11. Pressuring, pushing, demanding, controlling and or dominating the situation. 12. Being nice, super nice, overly nice or sickening nice. 13. Buying gifts, special dates, vacations or even new cars 14. Incessant cleaning and toiling over housework. 15. Crying 16. Talking or complaining about it to your kids.
Start with those first and the bleeding will slow down. The more you stop to fix it the better chance she may be able to hit the reset button. Patience at this time is excrutiating, and there is no guarantees. Stay calm, breathe, get a grip and stay focused.
The best thing you can give yourself at this time is calm confidence. You don't need to do anything physically you just need to be unshaken, cool-headed and compassionate. Be focused on how you think and realize this is not all your fault. Her downward spiral must not suck you down with it. You can't help yourself or anyone else if you go down there. Realize you have a higher purpose right now. Don't loose your $hit, you owe it your family and yourself to stay clear-headed and strong. This is not all about you and you can;t allow it to crush your soul.
Is part of this about you? "Yes", no doubt and this is the time when men can use this to spark a major mojo transformation! Don't feel personally attacked. Understand the real reason why this happened. If you can understand then it makes it possible for you to have empathy for some of the confusion and pain she is going through. If you can muster true empathy, you can stop doing the destructive things I mentioned above and start feeling your own clear, calm, confident strength within.
From my experience, this is often the only thing she really needs from you at this moment.
