Oh, and when she said she doesn't trust you at all right now, do you know why she feels that way? I'm not asking you to mind-read, I don't know if she's commented on that before.
Often cheaters don't trust anyone, but its a projection of their own guilt versus anything you've done, but obviously if it IS linked to your own behavior you certainly don't want to be untrustworthy.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Holding, sounds like you did an excellent job of listening and validating! Nice work! I totally agree with Acc, that was nothing more than a temperature check on her part. She was hoping you'd pour out your heart to her so she could check the "Plan B still in place" box next to your name and go back to her game plan. Good job in not falling into the trap (except for that last "you're wrong" comment, would have been better to leave her hanging there). That's not to say she was lying, I think she is being genuine about being confused and such. But don't assume she wants to recon, that's still quite a ways off.
So what do you take away from this? What you're doing is working. The fact that she's temp checking you means she's no longer sure she's got you on the hook. That's exactly what you want her to think. She needs to learn to miss you.
I also agree with Acc on the trust issue, she's projecting her own lack of trustworthiness onto you. The most paranoid people I've seen in my life are cheaters. One thing nearly all of them have in common is they think their spouse/GF is cheating on THEM (ironic, isn't it). I knew a woman that was so loyal to her H that she put the blinders on about his very blatant and obvious affair. He became so paranoid that SHE was having an A that he insisted that she get tested for STDs and show him the printout! Of course he did not offer to do the same! By the way she did do it, that was one of those moments that I quite literally face-palmed myself, LOL! I'm not saying your W is cheating, just that deceptive people are paranoid that everyone is deceptive to them in the same way that cheaters are paranoid about cheating.
Nice job holding! I will also say, she started off in the chair and worked her way to the end of the bed thing seems like a super temp check. She wanted take a bath in the garden tube and you left the room good job. Seems like she is trying to figure what you are thinking and trying to get specific reactions from you.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thanks for the replies everyone! I needed a good reality check on this one. Now I need another.
On the trust issue, her position seems to be that I've been keeping secrets from her by not telling her where I'm going and who I'm with. There's also the legal side, which I refuse to discuss with her without the presence of Ls. Other than that, I don't care too much whether she trusts me - she's the one who has to work to get trust back. I know I'm a person of integrity.
I had my IC yesterday, and we spent almost the whole time talking about this conversation from 2 nights ago. IC suggested that STBXW needs to be the one to show a big sign here (like Acc suggested), not drop little hints and expect me to do the work. She suggested I remain guarded, but open to further communications with STBXW.
When STBXW got home last night, she seemed different. She said hi and asked me how my day was. She was more conversational. She ate dinner with me and the boys. I tried to be accommodating and pleasant. The mood in the house was noticeably different. She asked if we could talk again after dinner, and I said yes. I'll admit that I thought all this might be a positive sign. I tried to keep my expectations in check.
She came in the MBR and this time laid on the bed where she used to sleep. She rolled on her side and faced me. She asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about. I told her I thought she wanted to talk; I didn't really have much to bring up, but was open to letting her take the lead.
She asked when I thought we could do mediation. This was not what I was expecting to hear, but I tried to play it cool. I told her, probably in the middle of next month. She said she was hoping we could do it sooner.
She asked how I would feel if she moved out. I told her she could if she wanted to. She said the tension in the house between us has been very uncomfortable for her, until the conversation we had the night before. I agreed. I think she was expecting me to try to talk her out of it.
I told her she didn't seem confused like she had the night before. She reiterated that she was confused. She told me I've done nothing in the past 3 months to show her that I wanted our R. She said I've been distant and cold. I told her I've come to accept what appears inevitable. I said she is the one who filed, she is the one who's lawyer is moving the case forward. I said I've seen no signs from her that she's not 100% full-steam ahead on this.
We just both paused for a minute. Then she said she was going to put in an offer on a house, and she wanted to know if I'd be willing to sign a paper saying I wouldn't try to claim the house if it closes before the D is final. I told her I needed to think about this and talk to my L. I asked if she was planning on using her retirement funds to help with the purchase of the house, and she said I needed to talk to my L about that.
She asked what my plans for the house were. I told her I didn't know. She asked for more details, and I said I didn't want to talk about it. I also asked her not to ask me again. She asked why and I said I didn't need to give her a reason.
She tried asking more, telling me that she didn't care if I wanted to keep the house, that she just needed to know to plan for the future. I told her I didn't want to talk any more and wanted to go to bed. She left the room.
This morning I was angry. There were some tears. I realized the big talk the day before was probably just to soften me up for the her own purposes. On my way out of the house, STBXW asked me to let her know what's going on with my car. I said OK. She told me "have a good day" as I walked past her. I replied "you too". But when I said it I was angry, and it probably came out in my voice.
I am SO ANGRY right now. I feel manipulated. I'm really upset with myself for even entertaining the thought of taking her back. Though there may be some real confusion in her, I think this was all just a ploy to use me for her purposes. Now she may even be using funds I'm entitled to to buy a new house, and she actually wants me to sign my rights away. Unbelievable. I'm tired of being the oil for her gears.
It's like she's playing chicken with me. Waiting for me to flinch. But this whole thing has just hardened my resolve. It's given me a little anger back, when my anger was really on its way out.
The thing is, I know better. In Chris's thread, I've seen his W play the same games with him. And I've seen Henwen's H make moves to open the lines of communication and try to get along, only to really move the D forward.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
In my case, I actually pushed for my wife to leave even though I didn't really want her to go, but I felt like it was time for her to go. Unexpectedly, I found that my life was much better and brighter after she left. The eggshells were gone. I could get things done. It was miraculous.
A couple of weeks after my wife moved out, my anger started to escalate. My fog was clearing. I started to clearly see how poorly I'd been treated. She was a bully. She'd rubbed my nose in sh*t for a long time. After that, I'd resolved not be treated like a doormat by her ever again. I could clearly see that I had to live my life for myself and my sons and she'd have to find her own way.
I don't know if you'll have the same experience I had, but I suspect you will. As abysmal as it may seem right now, you have a bright future ahead of you; this is just a bump in the road.
Doodles is absolutely correct. Never truly wanted my W to move out, but it had to be done. A little over a month late and I feel so much better about myself. The home has never been cleaner, S13 and I have gotten closer. And I clearly seen W for the person who she really is. Not just since the A, but for who she has always been.
