My wife has been texting me today through out the day since about 3 pm. I hadn't heard from her since my last return text about 2 hours ago and then she text me and said he dosed off and is now up and getting ready for bed. I simply returned a text that said goodnight. Then about 10 min later she called me. We just chatted and it was honestly in the way we used to when I was on the road and she was home. Then she was falling asleep so I said goodnight and I'll talk to you later. Anyway that has been the progression so far I guess. Tomorrow I'll be right back to letting her reach out to me. I figure I won't hear from her again for days....who knows, but I can tell you this that I certainly prefer this approach. Detaching is right up my alley and because I'm not cutting her off I'm not getting crazy text messages from her when she finally reaches out to me.
so you (sort of) have a plan, right? Now give it TIME.
Not 4 days or a week, but real time. Decide now what a goal time might look like.
IMO 90 days is a good amount & there is research that supports this. Still something tells me you won't or can't go that long. And that is what it is.
So I'd say a minimum of 30 days for so many reasons.
If it needs supporting argument, I will provide it, but suffice to say, I really believe 30 days is a minimum requirement to see if a new behavior in you is consistent enough AND IF it is affecting anything in her
But to interpret her response is hard if you do not know your w is even aware of it.
Not b/c she's ignoring you but b/c of what she's doing and where. (Never mind the "Why" of it, that's another story).
IOW, If she is too distracted to know what you are doing, you cannot interpret her response to see if "it" is working. So you cannot monitor well. Make sense?
Other factors - How long is the bootcamp? And what do you "KNOW" happens after that?
And what do you worry will happen?
Can you do 30 days of this?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
so you (sort of) have a plan, right? Now give it TIME.
Not 4 days or a week, but real time. Decide now what a goal time might look like.
IMO 90 days is a good amount & there is research that supports this. Still something tells me you won't or can't go that long. And that is what it is.
So I'd say a minimum of 30 days for so many reasons.
If it needs supporting argument, I will provide it, but suffice to say, I really believe 30 days is a minimum requirement to see if a new behavior in you is consistent enough AND IF it is affecting anything in her
But to interpret her response is hard if you do not know your w is even aware of it.
Not b/c she's ignoring you but b/c of what she's doing and where. (Never mind the "Why" of it, that's another story).
IOW, If she is too distracted to know what you are doing, you cannot interpret her response to see if "it" is working. So you cannot monitor well. Make sense?
Other factors - How long is the bootcamp? And what do you "KNOW" happens after that?
And what do you worry will happen?
Can you do 30 days of this?
I have no problems giving it time. The real issue for me I suppose is giving it time all in vain. Her boot camp is 3 months long and then after that she will be placed for work where ever they decide to place her. That is a good reason why I said it's bullsh1t when she say she can't leave her family again. What will she tell the boot camp when they place her in San Fran..... no I'm sorry I can't leave my family again? This is where I think she is devoid of reality. It is likely that they place her in the Virginia area where a lot of tech jobs are and I am quite sure she is betting on that. Then once she is placed it's a 2 year commitment or she has to pay them 20 grand if she doesn't take the job given to her.
At this point I have given up on talking reason to her at all. I don't have the energy or time for it anymore because it's like talking to a a wall. So I will just detach from it all and go about my life as usual. I am not putting effort towards it and I will let her do what every she wants too. That includes no effort in pursuing the divorce thing either to remedy it or not. I will let her do all the work on that. At the same time I am not going to wait for her anymore either. Im not going out of my way to move on, but if by chance I meet someone who is happy with me then it will be to late for her and it is what it is....if that makes sense. Honestly Im not sure how that will really happen unless I am looking for it, but as I said if something happens then I will move on.
It seems to be something of a pattern for WAW or people that end relationships when they were really still loving the person they abandoned to have the tables turn on them. With the people I have talked to and even on this thread it seems that tables turn and now the WAW is the LBS and that is a sad thing, especially if the LBS at first put effort in to make things work.
I think my wife will eventually regret everything and will finally opens her eyes to see what she is losing, but who knows how long that will take her to figure out.
So yes I suppose I do have my plan and that is to have no pursuit of her at all and just move on without cutting her off. So far what I have been doing is not reaching out to her at all and just responding nicely and being happy when she reaches out to me. That is something I am not totally clear on is the idea of not reaching out to her at all, basically not texting her on my own since that is all the contact we have. Like I said we have a anniversary coming up, so doing a loving detach does that mean I should send something or acknowledge our anniversary since we are still married or is that considered pursuit. What does lovingly detaching involve in a situation like mine since we have no attachments to each other at all and the only thing between us is a text or phone call? Am I on the right path of just going about my daily things as normal and not considering contacting her anymore, but if she contacts me then not to ignore her?
okay you are again veering off the "Plan" and getting way too into the future and your pain (or whatever you wish to call the "discomfort").
This is why I asked you to specify what the end of bootcamp determines and what your concerns are. What the facts are.
Is this military bootcamp? ( I get the vague descriptions from you so I can't tell).
I am a veteran and still legally married to one. So I get it.
So is this advanced training? OR is this some civilian work with a contract?
Okay so the anniversary. What if you sent a card saying "It's still worth remembering" and enclosed a photo of a pet you share or an event or achievement the marriage produced in both of you or her?
True, It does slightly imply the m is over and you are just recalling it in good terms, but I'm not certain.
Or a card that says "I remember" - No pressure, but not ignoring a huge date.
If you sense she is pulling away again, don't mention it. My guess is, and it is just a guess, she will if you don't.
Please whatever you do, do NOT expect her to send you something or to commit or expressing a lot
this will be a pressure date for her in her confused indecision. And I know you will spin if you attach any expectations and she does not meet them.
If she does reach out, respond but again, don't expect. There will be pull back.
Did you ever get the book "The Distancer & The Pursuer"? I have heard good things about it.
When is the anniversary ?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
okay you are again veering off the "Plan" and getting way too into the future and your pain (or whatever you wish to call the "discomfort").
This is why I asked you to specify what the end of bootcamp determines and what your concerns are. What the facts are.
Is this military bootcamp? ( I get the vague descriptions from you so I can't tell).
I am a veteran and still legally married to one. So I get it.
So is this advanced training? OR is this some civilian work with a contract?
I'm sorry I have already explained what she is doing in this boot camp before so assumed you knew. It's a coding boot camp. I am the one that works for the military and she did same as one point to, which is how I met her. We have discussed the boot camp and actually how it fits into our marriage. One, it gets her a job that she will enjoy and will keep her busy. Her goal is to be able to eventually work from home or from where ever she may be and on top of that makes some decent money doing it.
She said that technically we already had a long distance relationship with me leaving for work. The big difference is that I always came home to her. I don't try to project much at all what is going to happen after the boot camp, for one she says she has no clue. If she stays in Virginia for it and we decide to work on things then I guess that would be slightly better because she could probably room with her best friend or live with her parents. What I am getting at is that OK she makes more money, but then has to get a place to live and then all that money is spend of two houses so what good does it do for us as a couple. It neither here nor there right now anyway since she has to finish, pass it and then be offered the job I suppose. I am not dwelling on it at all anymore.
As I have said the easiest thing all along has been for me to cut her off, but it never felt like the right thing to do, so detaching and still engaging with her if she reaches out is just as easy and is a better way of doing it. The idea of letting her handle everything is also a better way or me to do things.
Okay so the anniversary. What if you sent a card saying "It's still worth remembering" and enclosed a photo of a pet you share or an event or achievement the marriage produced in both of you or her?
True, It does slightly imply the m is over and you are just recalling it in good terms, but I'm not certain.
Or a card that says "I remember" - No pressure, but not ignoring a huge date.
If you sense she is pulling away again, don't mention it. My guess is, and it is just a guess, she will if you don't.
Please whatever you do, do NOT expect her to send you something or to commit or expressing a lot
this will be a pressure date for her in her confused indecision. And I know you will spin if you attach any expectations and she does not meet them.
If she does reach out, respond but again, don't expect. There will be pull back.
Did you ever get the book "The Distancer & The Pursuer"? I have heard good things about it.
When is the anniversary ?
The anniversary is on the 28th and I have had things previously bought for her a long time ago. I had also had put together a video of some of our adventures of us together which isn't quite finished because I stopped working on it when she did what she did. Before that though it was something she asked me to do because liked a previous video I made, which had her in it of our families last cattle drive we did a while back. Anyway the one thing I bought already was a book that I had made online off things that I love about her. It was called my reasons why and I actually made it online with little cartoon characters that I tweaked to look like us. I saw it awhile ago and made it and it shipped to the house because I thought it was a unique idea, for one because reading it a huge passion of hers.
Anyway so I guess the answer is to yes acknowledge the anniversary, but not go over board, which isn't something I would do anyway. Lol! If I send her the book it will be late because I'm on the road for the next two weeks and it's at home.
I never bought the book because I found a thread on here I believe that sums the book up and it said that it was all there really was to know about the book.
I guess I was wrong and I did hear from my wife tonight. She just started texting me and telling me about her day and some personal things. I kept it simple quick and light, then told her good night and ended it after a few texts back and forth that lasted about 45 min or so. Anyway I wasn't expecting to hear from her for a few days or more. I do like letting her do all of the reaching out much more. It's a whole lot easier for me.
I guess I was wrong and I did hear from my wife tonight. She just started texting me and telling me about her day and some personal things. I kept it simple That's good news.
You know, it's okay to get a little closer to) her disclosure level if you want to keep building on things.
Don't exceed or escalate the closeness level, but if she's being vulnerable, be careful to show you are open too..
Disclosure builds intimacy and at the very least make sure she knows you are listening. Recap what she says.
BTW your view of whether she goes to VA or not, implies that you are not moving no matter what. Interesting.
And so is the comment that she said the marriage was long distance before, anyhow.
And you are saying it still would be?
quick and light, then told her good night and ended it after a few texts back and forth that lasted about 45 min or so. Anyway I wasn't expecting to hear from her for a few days or more. I do like letting her do all of the reaching out much more. It's a whole lot easier for me.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I guess I was wrong and I did hear from my wife tonight. She just started texting me and telling me about her day and some personal things. I kept it simple That's good news.
You know, it's okay to get a little closer to) her disclosure level if you want to keep building on things.
Don't exceed or escalate the closeness level, but if she's being vulnerable, be careful to show you are open too..
Disclosure builds intimacy and at the very least make sure she knows you are listening. Recap what she says.
BTW your view of whether she goes to VA or not, implies that you are not moving no matter what. Interesting.
And so is the comment that she said the marriage was long distance before, anyhow.
And you are saying it still would be?
quick and light, then told her good night and ended it after a few texts back and forth that lasted about 45 min or so. Anyway I wasn't expecting to hear from her for a few days or more. I do like letting her do all of the reaching out much more. It's a whole lot easier for me.
The real fact of the matter is that it would be quite dumb of me to even think about uprooting my life in Cali where I have a nice home that I spent many years building on and put a lot of money into. She also put some time and money into. Right now I am in limbo with my wife and I don't need to be in limbo with anything else and I don't have to be because everything else I can control.
My wife acts like it's such a big deal to be in Virginia and not leave her family, who she barely even see's anymore. Both her parents work and those are the only ones who are in Virginia and the rest live in Georgia. She has claimed, as part of a way to make it better that she isn't talking to me it seems, that she hardly ever see's her parents anymore. So I still don't honestly buy family being her big reason, especially since she is totally fine with being put where ever they place her for work. It could be a number of different places in the US that they place her. As I said, is she going to use that excuse for the job they offer her when it isn't in Virginia? I highly doubt it, so in my book it a bullsh1t excuse, but it doesn't really matter anyway.
I find it odd for a second reason too because she never had that great of a family life and then found it odd to be in my family that is very close knit. It just doesn't add up to me I suppose.
What I meant by personal is......that time of the month, so nothing special! Haha! I can still see she is closed off and I'm not trying to open anymore doors. I am of the mind now that we aren't even married if that makes sense, for one it doesn't feel like we are connected that much at all. I don't know how she feels, but it doesn't for me. I am not actually sure how I would feel being around her right now either to tell you the truth. She has done damage in the relationship and with my family, which will take some time to move through I think. I still don't agree with her decision and I have fought for our marriage, but it seems she's not willing to do anything else and is very selfish right now. My efforts toward her have certainly lost a lot of momentum..... Not sure if all that makes sense to you.
In short I care less and less about things and how they turn out. I just want no more drama and I am tired of being mad at her and trying to get any sort of answer from her.....so she is just pushing me further and further away to be honest.
I guess it's good she has contacted me, but I don't put much weight on anything she does at all because I don't trust any of it.
Right before I left for work I asked my mom if she could mail my wife's tags for her car to her for me and she did. Anyway I just got a call from my mother and my wife had text her to say thank you for sending them. My mom was in absolute shock that my wife would even text her. The one person my wife has really ignored and shunned is my mother and my mother is literally the one that has done the most for my wife through the years including physically taking care of her when she was having her episodes. Doing things like bathing her and spoon feeding her and wheeling her around in a wheel chair to places she wanted to go.
I can tell right away in my moms voice that she was bothered by it and it was bringing up a lot of emotions for her. My mom sent back a quick welcome and that was it. She figured that would be the end of it. Then my wife text again and just asked how she was doing. My mom said she took a long time to even respond to her because she did even want to talk or even know what to say. She wanted no part of this chit chat from my wife. She ended up just saying I'm fine, how are you.
Anyway my wife tried to engage in conversation with my mother and it's almost too late for that the way my mother feels. She tried so hard to reach out to my wife and to try to talk to her and all my wife did was completely ignore her and it hurt my mother pretty badly. Anyway my wife tried to engage a few more times with my mother, but my mother is pretty much over it and doesn't even want to talk to her. My mother basically did respond and she was nice, but she didn't engage with her much at all.
Then while on the phone with my mother telling me about it I get a text asking how my day was from my wife. I finished up the conversation with my mom and told her how I have detached from it all and in the way I'm doing it and I feel she should do the same, which she pretty much did anyway.
My wife, if there is to be an us again, will have a lot of making up and regaining trust from my entire family. Especially my niece and nephew who absolutely loved her and knew her only as their Aunt. My wife dropped them like they were never important to her and I know they are hurting too. I also will have some making up to do with my wife's parents, but not near as much. For one they were never real close to me at all and her mother is a very cold person to say the least.
Anyway I suppose I should engage with my wife and do my part of lovingly detaching. I am surprised again to hear from her, but I am sure it's all part of the pursue and distancer game. I am quite sure my wife can tell the difference in my attitude with her because I don't care what she is doing and I am honestly more interested in watching this movie on TV then I am in talking to my wife. I feel almost like it's a pointless thing....why are we even talking if she is already living a different life like she isn't married to me anyway. Really what is her point to all of this. It is such a bizarre way of thinking to me and I stopped trying to figure it out or even care to figure it out.
