Any Advice?

[gw5263]

Joe, nothing has been left out. Back in earlier posts i explained why i moved out. Recap-Yes, she was having the A before any movement occured. It began in February, was discovered at theend of june, and i moved in July. She rented an apartment that was extremely small and planned on moving into it with the children. I have an autistic son who does not handle change well and roams constantly thru the house, he needs a lot of space. The kids were going thru enough at that point and i did not want any further disruptions in thier lives. I told W that i would go to the apartment so that the kids would not be uprooted. To answer an unasked question, in my state unless there is DV or abuse on the part of the mother, she is the primary caregiver for the children when separated ann until the divorce proceedings are complete with a custody order.

We are in separate bedrooms, so what is the need top move her clothes? And as far as turning the OM in, some of the other older member posters saw no good reason in doing it, and my main motivation, truthfullly, in addition to making him go away, was revenge. No good comes of revenge. All it would have done is complicate the sitch even more. I have had more than enough of her [censored], and disrespect, but i am not sure at this point what my options are other than to detach and GAL. She refuses to end the afair and will not go to georgia to be with OM without the kids, which is out of the question. I cannot put her out of the house because her name is on the deed, so i'm stuck. As much as i would love to,I cant take her phone, she pays the plan. I cant force her to stay in the house and not go outside to call him, cant stop her from texting himm at work, cant stop her from thinking about him. All i can do is as Sandi and 25MLC suggested and detach,GAL, and hope she responds to that. I dont talk about the A anymore or try to change her mind by telling her how much i love her, its a moot pint to her, she doesnt want to hear that. So i have no idea what boundaries i can set, or how to get any respect back other than to dso as ive been advised here. Im new to all this and have no idea what im doing. I am relying on all the experience and advice i get here. I really have to watch my step, because i am a 21 year veteran of law enforcement and cant afford any false Dv claims against me. So i have no idea what options i have. That's why im here, as so many others are.

[joejoe1]

GW,

She needs to see that you are done. You have to figure out how to start that process. Do you still wear your wedding ring. Take it off. Are there pictures of you and her up? Take them down. She must start to see you moving on. How can you get those thoughts going. You having been dealing with your Sitch longer than mines. I hate the move out idea, so pls don't do that. Do you watch the kids more than her? What do you do that affect her.

You mentioned you moved back in to help her, because she coukdnt afford it own her own. Do you buy groceries? What bill could you stop paying that wont affect your kids and yourself?

I'm just trying to get your thought process going. Sometimes its the things you never thought of doing that work.

[gw5263]

the bills i pay are all household, electric, water, cable, etc. i pay no bill that affects her. she pays her phone plan. i dont watch the kids at all. they are at home with her or at school. I dont wear my ring, and the only pics we have up are family pics with the kids her and i in them. I have no plans on moving out, and niether does she unfortunatley. So its a weird sitch to say the least. All i can do is go out with friends on the days i dont work, other than that i sleep all day because i work nights.

[joejoe1]

GW,

I think someone else mentioned it but I think NC and going dark could work for you, but doing it in house is hard as heck. TXHubby did it and I woukd advise to read his situation. He basically ghost his wife while they were in the home together.

[TBSakaJ9]

GW.....I think u take the advice from Sandi/25 and roll with it. I am not in your sitch but it doesn't sound like there is much you can do other than continue to work on yourself. I found comfort in reading up on other people's sitch's that were similiar to mine. LH is like my mentor on this board and his sitch I have found comfort in although I don't think him and his W ever separated. He has young kids sounds like his W and mine experienced the same type of feelings.

I would suggest you read up...find other people that dealt with in-house sep, try to draw strength from their experiences and how they handled. TBH...it has helped me get to where I am now. I still draw comfort in it to this day. Just know that many people have gone through and are going through what you are experiencing.

Stay stong my friend!

[gw5263]

So i spent some time this morning going thru treads posts. His sitch is almost a mirror image. I cannot fo rthe life of me tink of any boundaries to set at the moment. Does any one have any suggestions?

[joejoe1]

GW,
The first you set is with your son. Her bringing your son into this is very unhealthy. Tell he to keep you son out of this period. Just tell her just like that. Keep our son out of this situation. Its very unhealthy and disrespectful to be bringing him into this like you have.

[gw5263]

Shes already been told about that and trying to brainwash my daughter into thinking this is just fine. My daughter looks up to her, always has. Right now she has no opinion other thatn she thinks i took it to far by wanting to bust OM.... Where did that come from? Mom

[gw5263]

I have begun the detachment process today. I sat back for a good time period last night and replayed the last year in my mind. My contributing factors to this sitch were this - I was drinking nightly, and had no intamacy whatsoever for about a month and a half. Her chief complaint was there was no affection shown, no sex, and she felt like i was cheating. BY taking a hard look back, she was right. There was no affcetion shown, i blew her off when she wanted to have sex, and i acted as if i could care less. I created an atmosphere that made conditions ripe for what happened to occur.
I accept and own my contributing factors. It was not my fault she chose not to tell me there was an issue, and it was not my fault she chose to pursue an A. I can honestly say that I made conditions ripe. I own it. I have made several significant changes since then. I have been to IC, I quit drinking, go to AA. My drinking binge was spurred by what has now been diagnosed as PTSD due to events and experiences i have had in 21 years of law enforcement. I am a much nicer person to be around, I have lost 52 pounds, however, i made the most common mistakes LBS make - I begged, i pleaded, i tried to reason, tried to use logic to persuade her, not knowing i was driving her farther and farther towards OM. She says they started talking as friends and it escalated to the point where she " Fell in love with him" and has no desire to cheat on him by working on us. I made the mistake of threatening to turn him in thinking it would make him go away. Sandi Was right, he's not the problem, she is. I need to put all the craziness and spiralling away and focus on what ive been given here.

I cant control her, as bad as i want to. I cant make her dump him, not contact him, or think of him. All i can do is work to ensure that i am the better choice, and shed be a fool to throw me away for him. I may be niaeve, but i actually think its better that this is a distance A because she can see day by day what im becoming without the distraction of the OM being within arms reach. Eventually one or the other of them will tire of the distance relationship and pack it in. My money is on him, because hes a guy, and i know i wouldnt be satisfied with seeing "my love" every two or three months for a day. Id need and desire a mate nearby that i could interact with. He may already have one. I hope he does and she wins his heaart so i can have mine back. But I cant live on hope. I have to act, and act decisively as so many have advised. It begins now, the right way.

My only question is this- since basically this boils down to emotional neglect on my part, what modifications, if any should i employ? At the moment there is absolutely no physical aspect to our M at all, because in her foggy mind that would be " cheating on my soulmate". I dont want her to feel as if i am still that neglectful guy, but i also dont want to be the clingy pursuing guy i was yesterday and all the days since BD.

[Tread]

GW,

Your sitch sounds way too similar to my own. The only difference is that my W thought she could simply have sex with OM and leave it at that. My W is very emotional, so naturally she allowed herself to make it more by wanting to get more about him afterwards. Even though this guy is married with 3 children and her sisters 1st cousin.

I made every mistake you made before I discovered DB. And as long as I was willing to ignore everything going on with W and OM she was cool being around me and cake eating. W even wanted to have sex with me. But the moment I refused to tolerate that disrespect, W would get nasty and even hit me at times over this guy.

W moving out last month was painful, but I simply got tired of the constant disrespect. But it gotten a little better. It's tough when S13 is gone for several days, even though he has been with me most of the time. But the house gets lonely with it being just me here. W moved in with her sister. So it's a constant person at her place. W can't stand to be alone and probably would have come back home if it wasn't for her sister being there. Plus the new BFF is a new bad influence. Thought things would get better after old BFF moved away to work on her own marriage.

If I had to this over again, I would throw the fear of losing my W out the window. And made her leave sooner. A lot of time was wasted trying to nice her back. Yes I GAL, but detaching would have been so much better. Should have just gotten to the mindset that W was already damaged and moved on. Like you I am well aware of my contributions to the things that led to the A. But I have completely made all the changes needed. And continue to perfect them.

Also my W is now chasing after anything that smiles and has a penis it seems. Regardless on how bad things look on paper with these men. Believe that she is realizing that if she can not have OM full time since he lives out if state, then anyone will do if there is an itch that needs to be scratches.

Now I am concerned about what you W is telling you D in order to justify this behavior. Not to mention having your own child take the side of OM over her own father. The thing I ensure S13 knows is that his mother behavior is not good at all. And that OM is someone that we don't tolerate or respect.



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