ok....I can do that. The funny thing is that I manage a large team of roughly 160 people so you would think in my personal life I would have not problems starting up random conversations. I guess since I do it all day long when I get outside of work I have no interest in really socializing with anyone.
Blu...thank you for this it makes a lot of sense and is a really good post. I have felt myself mentally start to pull away from my W over the past couple of weeks. I think were I struggle is with the financial peace. Any advice on that? I make more than double what she makes and when she moved out we divided up the bills based on our incomes and since I make more I am paying for more than she is. She is still paying for her own rent, cell phone, utilities, etc. but she has called me a couple of times when she overspent. One time I had to buy her groceries to help her out when my D's were with her. By helping her like that am I showing her I am still attached and is that being too nice of guy?
This is a hard question! My first question would be, without over analyzing it, what does your gut instinct tell you? Do you feel taken advantage of? I read back a couple pages in your post, and I don't get that sense. She may have some struggles, but I am not sure that holding back on helping her, will somehow teach her a lesson. You also have kids, and if she has the kids and is just asking for some groceries, then I can see that it makes sense you would help her. If you feel in any way that she is taking advantage of you or manipulating you, then by all means, tell her sorry but you are not able to help her out with that.
I really liked reading that bit you put in there written by the WAW and her perspective. It makes sense. We often demonize our S and say that they are aliens, out of their minds or having a MLC That makes me cringe. I am not a huge fan of this because 1. we make an assumption that they are not thinking clearly and don't mean what they say, and 2. it further excuses us from having to look inward and what we need to change about ourselves. And as she says, the changes must be genuine and because we want to make them, and not to win them back. I agree with the IC, in the end we will all be 99% better off; people who dig deep and self improve will always be better off. Let us never get lazy, complacent, or take our loved ones for granted. My H blowing up my world was painful, but the silver lining is that I understand this now.
If there is something I would like to see you add to your list on the first post in this thread it would be that each of your leading examples be so that you can be a better man and so that you can be a strong role model for your children. You don't have to do any of this for your W. If you can make all your changes and she still doesn't want to work on the M, then she will absolutely be the fool and down the road she will have to make sense of that on her own. All in all though, you seem like you are on a great path and have a strong head on your shoulders! It's pretty admirable actually.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hey Blu.....thanks for hitting up my thread! I love reading your posts!
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This is a hard question! My first question would be, without over analyzing it, what does your gut instinct tell you? Do you feel taken advantage of?
My gut instinct tells me "no". I know it was hard as h$ll for her to come to me and ask for money. Every time I have given her money she has cried or has fought back tears. I have been very careful to not ask her why she went over budget or make her feel bad for not spending her money properly. I have always handled our finances so she is not used to having to stick to a budget. I don't offer to give her money but when she asks it is hard for me to say "no" because I know she doesn't want to aask. I just don't want her to think i am push over, nice guy, that big daddy will be their to bail me out. It's just not that simple IMO.
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I really liked reading that bit you put in there written by the WAW and her perspective. It makes sense.
Thanks...I found it from a post about 10 yrs ago and it really made sense to me. I have always tried to look at my W and what she is doing objectively. She is trying to be independant and wants to take this journey. I think the LBS often makes excuses for how the other person felt. I am not made at her for her feelings if anything I am mad at her for how she handled it. I think if more LBS's looked at their sitch objectively and not take things so personally they might heal a lot quicker.
I know this was hard for my W....I saw the pain on her face and we cried together as a family. Right or wrong her desire to this journey was more important at this time than our family. I don't like the decsion but I have to respect it.
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If there is something I would like to see you add to your list on the first post in this thread it would be that each of your leading examples be so that you can be a better man and so that you can be a strong role model for your children.
Definately true and I agree 100%....the only thing that currently brings tears to my eye are my 2 daughters. I am tearing up actually as I type this. If it wasn't for them I would already be out. If my W has a journey she needs to take then someone has to be responsible for our family and look out for my D's. If that means I go through some strife for the potential to keep our family together then it is worth it to me.
I just don't know how long to wait......GAL, detach, whatever....in the end we are all waiting or we would file for D ourselves.
That is what I get the most confused on because it seems like the LBS' that were successful ended up filing themselves.
As I have looked over the threads here I have noticed the same thing. Those individuals that filed seemed to have a higher reconcile rate. Maybe its coincidence. But it worries me if I wait to my file, I have waited too long.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
IMO...they filed after a long journey. If you file too soon and you have not given her time to take in your changes, etc. I don't think it will work. Her emtions are still high etc. Maybe in the case of an active A their could be a difference. I think most people have waited, gave the sitch some time, then made the call.
You don't want a divorce so that means you are looking for a reaction. Trying to get her to comeback. The only way this works out in the long run is she has to want to comeback.
Short of the discovery of an A, IMO you are not ready to file.
I have read where people kicked the spouse out, thats assuming they will leave. Obviously they have to be willing and you can't force them out. It does appear they got themselves better with GAL etc before they did. I assume it goes hand in had with them getting their confidence back. I do think though that the element of time plays a huge factor.
I think a lot of depends on timing on where your at in your sitch. I have read where exposing the affair works, I have seen where telling them to get out and packing their bags work, I have also read where serving them papers work as well. This is assuming the LBS is fine with the potential consequence. I hve also read that by doing that it could push them closer to the OM which in reality could be the fasest way to get through it. Set them free, say here you go, live it. My W wanted to wait 3 months before she moved out. I told her that wasn't going to work for me and if she wanted to go make it happen. My thought was if this what you want I am not going to hold you back.....I set you free! I think sometimes the LBS wants to hold on emotionally and physically as long as they can.
I do feel that at minimum you have to give the WW enough time to work through their issues and really get a taste of the life. Then when you feel they have had enough of the taste and the LBS is ready you make the decision. You can't go on in limbo forever and we are so young, deserve better, at some point you have to force the WW to make a choice. Again these are just my thoughts but I do think timing is everything and at minimum the WW has to explore the life they think they want.
I have seen some that have filed in the middle of an active affair. Poster LIM is 1 that comes to mind. I think TXhubby did the same thing (I think he finally had enough after close to 3 yrs).
Just realize all the above could backfire and if it does you have to be willing to accept the consequences. If my W is having an A or is banging everyone in sight she kept everything for me. I really don't know how I would react if she was doing it in front of my face in our house. Truthfully I don't think I could do it. After I took the initial punch to the face and got my legs underneath me I wouldn't be able to handle it. But that's just me.
IF you are the type that can handle it then I think that is where the boundaries come into play. They have to be boundaries you can enforce though and that is assuming she is willing to abide by the boundaries you set. If she is in total disrespect mode and no matter what you try to enforce she tells you to $uch off IMO you have your answer. I am lucky my W is not doing that, she is not even active on social media trying to rub it in face. I don't ask and she doesn't tell.
L....your right I am not ready yet. If she was rubbing it in my face I would feel different. As I get further down the path I start to think about when I would be ready and what that would look like.
You have fought for over 1,000 days.......knowing what you know now would you have done anything different?
