I never thought Id be here. I thought everything was perfect until one day it wasnt.
About a month ago, I noticed that my husband was becoming a bit distant. I asked repeatedly what was wrong or should I be worried and he brushed off my fears.
I found out that he had been googling erotic love poems and sending them to someone. He says it was just conversation and they never met. He then went on to tell me that something was missing for awhile and that he wasnt in love with me. He doesnt know if he could ever get that back.
He also doesnt want to leave and is "willing to try".
His mind changes everyday. One day he doesnt see us getting divorced as long as I work on myself and the next day he doesnt know. Im on a rollercoaster.
Weird changes that have occured: - More sex although that never lacked in our relationship at all - He is spending more time with friends doing things - He is taking a lot of facebook selfies lately - He is not tagging me in anything on facebook even though Im at the same event - Hes constantly worried about his age (hes 15 years older than I am)
Im sure there is more but Im emotionally and physically drained.
How can I help my marriage? Still waiting for my book to arrive.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I found out that he had been googling erotic love poems and sending them to someone. He says it was just conversation and they never met.
How did you find that out, snooping? If so then stop doing that as it will drive him farther underground.
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He then went on to tell me that something was missing for awhile and that he wasnt in love with me. He doesnt know if he could ever get that back.
He also doesnt want to leave and is "willing to try".
OK well that is a good sign. You've got to quit applying relationship pressure to him though. Please understand that this did not happen overnight and it's not going to be fixed overnight either. It's going to take a long time. So for now just pull back and give him time and space. Do not try to do anything until you get a chance to read DR. You have plenty of time.
Quote:
- More sex although that never lacked in our relationship at all - He is spending more time with friends doing things - He is taking a lot of facebook selfies lately - He is not tagging me in anything on facebook even though Im at the same event - Hes constantly worried about his age (hes 15 years older than I am)
Sounds like he may be going through some MLC. Doesn't sound like too much to worry about just yet.
Quote:
Im sure there is more but Im emotionally and physically drained.
How can I help my marriage? Still waiting for my book to arrive.
Everyone comes here looking for a "quick fix" but there isn't one. You've got plenty of time, so don't feel like you've got to do something right away. Just back off and give him some space while you wait for the book. Don't tell him about the book, only read it in private and don't leave it anyplace where he might see it. Make sure he doesn't see you on these forums either. It's important that he not see DB'ing as a trick to get him back.
Sorry about what you are going through.he has to make a decision of what and who he wants to be with and it has to clear he can't have both.
I think it is best to first tell him how hurt you are then you detach and give him space and time to think and decide what he wants. He has to decide and you don't need to pressure him. All you can do is work on yourself, GAL and detach.
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
sorry you are here. It is a huge painful drag. Practice some self care b/c otherwise you'll go nuts and probably blast your h at some point. Not so helpful, plus you deserve some self care and you need it more now than ever.
Originally Posted By: Plew
I never thought Id be here. I thought everything was perfect until one day it wasnt.
About a month ago, I noticed that my husband was becoming a bit distant. I asked repeatedly what was wrong or should I be worried and he brushed off my fears.
I found out that he had been googling erotic love poems and sending them to someone. He says it was just conversation and they never met. do you know this^^^ woman? It is "inappropriate" behavior for a married man. Would he concede that?
And what would HE say the problems were if he were here?
(Please do not assume responsibility for his behavior, I'm merely asking).
If he denied there were problems when you sensed distance,
but only when you confronted him about his online activities, did he admit that "yes there are problems..."??
that may mean he feels no obligation to tell you what or how he feels, unless he is caught.
That's not helpful and it is unfair and frankly, dishonest.
I'm not saying "it's all over"! Just pointing out things we LBS tend to forget when we are in the middle of such pain.
Also, JUST IN CASE things don't go well, are you in a position to know the finances?
Regardless of whether your h wants to have an affair or is, or is in some form of mid life crisis,
these types of episodes^^^ tend to cost a lot of money. Get informed asap. There is nothing "unattractive" about knowing where the money is and you don't have to tell him
but if there are some weird misdirected funds or hidden things, get information.
Knowledge is power.
He then went on to tell me that something was missing for awhile and that he wasnt in love with me. He doesnt know if he could ever get that back.
He also doesn't want to leave and is "willing to try". What does "willing to try" mean? Since you put it in "quotes", I have to wonder.
Will you both just see how HE feels?
does this^^ mean you are supposed to "do the work" so he might choose to stay married and keep his vows? What work would that be, other than more sex?
How long do you think you can do this dance? You will need to have some internal barometers for progress if you want to stay sane. This is a very trying process.
His mind changes everyday. One day he doesnt see us getting divorced as long as I work on myself and the next day he doesnt know. Im on a rollercoaster.
Ugh...get off the rollercoaster. Have you read Sandi's guidelines? They are not rigid rules and do not all apply. Remember that.
but reading them helps summarize what your plan needs to be.
Please act as if YOU have had an awakening and IF your h chooses to be single,
you will be fine ANYHOW...b/c you are a woman only a fool would leave.
And it won't be easy to believe this when your self esteem is tattered, but you will have go ACT AS IF anyhow.
Weird changes that have occured: - More sex although that never lacked in our relationship at all - He is spending more time with friends doing things - He is taking a lot of facebook selfies lately
Um, this^^^ is not great news. I believe and have read that when men do this^^^ usually, they are preparing to be single. They want to know they look good enough for the new market. He may be hedging his bets.
- He is not tagging me in anything on facebook even though Im at the same event Often a Red flag. He wants to look unmarried. Sorry.
- Hes constantly worried about his age (hes 15 years older than I am) Oh yeah, the fear of their own mortality, which they apparently don't know applies to them too, seems to make some people entitled, mean and crazy.
Ask yourself how you feel about death? Do you look forward to it? (Me neither).
Are you sending online poems to OMs? All I'm saying is when it comes to MLCs we tend to give more slack to our spouses when the odds of a "recovery" for them AND for them to return to us AND to be changed, are not high.
So don't get bogged down in what label to affix to this. Your h is behaving in a way that threatens the m and has admitted a lot of confusion about keeping his vows. If you want him to awaken, and I HAVE seen it, he has to fear he's losing you. That won't happen if you keep dancing for him trying to get him to stay m.
IF you believe there are behaviors in you that YOU WANT To change, work on those b/c you want to anyhow. Not to "keep" your h. That is what 180s are for. (For instance, If he detests that you are always late, you become MS PUNCTUAL and you arrive on time or early, for everything. That would negate his claim that you are late.
Your goal there^^ is to confuse him to - see that his "data" about you is false or out of date.)
Do not temperature check to see if he's warming up b/c YOU are "going to be fine, no matter what". Believe it.
OR act as if you do, until you believe it. (Amy Cuddy and Sean Achor have some youtube videos on positive psychology about how we can change and project change until it is real for us. The videos are about 20 min and I think will help you).
How can I help my marriage? Still waiting for my book to arrive.
The book will help you. Also, how long have you been married, what are your ages and do you have children? What are their ages?
We need this^^ info to better advise.
Also, if you can put that info in your signature block we can see quick summaries there so we won't forget your situation when we keep up with your thread.
And do keep posting.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sandi summarized & assembled these, based on MWD’s books, teachings and the experience here. These are guidelines only, and Not all apply to a given situation. Remember that.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness & being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait FOR SOME TIME to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you!
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Since my last message he has ceased all contact with the other woman and is actively engaged in our marriage. He insists there was never any physical interaction with the ow and I do tend to believe him.
I asked him if he thought we'd work out and he said yes he did.
All of our children are grown except our 10 year old.
So what are you actively doing to make changes going forward? He didn't look up and send erotic poems to another woman randomly. It took a certain path of repeated behaviors to get to the point where he was interested in doing that.
My opinion is if you go on as if nothing happened and change nothing, then some time from now you will find yourself back in the same place.
