Wife Wants to Leave Marriage 6

[EastTN]

EastTN,

Its strange. I am detached most of the time, then on occasion I catch myself caring. Then I detach all over again.

I've been following your threads and I think you spend most of your time attached. It's not just that you care sometimes, it's that you are always worried about what she is doing. You HAVE TO focus on you, and your son, you can't focus on her so much. If you want to fix your M, she'll never respect you when you hang on everything she does. If you DON'T want to fix your M, then all this is doing is making it hurt more, and for longer.

So how long have you been involved with the woman your dating? And what made you do so this soon?

Four months. I didn't intend to be seriously dating, especially not so soon. I didn't intend to have anything happen. I just wanted someone to talk to and get out of the house with. Instead I met a female version of myself, and things just kept getting better and better.

[Lovelyp]

I feel you are acting out of anger and listening too much to many people who are telling you that she is out to ruin you. Some of those people might not have genuine concern about you. I think it is best not to involve too many people (family, friends etc) in your affairs because you end up reacting to them than what you really want. Take time and breathe. Give yourself time to reflect and cool down first before you do any rush decision. I would think detaching from her is best and then you think though and GAL.

[Tread]

Lovely,

I get what your saying about family and friends. But the problem is that they are often right. W is out to ruin me. Whether it's intentional or not. Her fantasy world mindset is leaving me stuck to deal with reality and several consequences of her actions. I wish that divorce wasn't the go to solution. But W has out me in the position t0 have to get a lawyer.

[Tread]

EastTN,

My W is trying to sleep with the guy who's organization that I serve on the committee with. So yes there is a reason why I worry about my W. Because what she is doing will interfere with what I am doing. This was one of my GAL activities and something to look good on a resume. And now I have to deal with her pursuing a guy I have become buddy's with. So how do I not worry about this stuff? I'm staying away from her and doing my own thing.

[EastTN]

I don't have any advice on how to handle that crappy situation, except to say that if your buddy is going to screw your wife, he isn't your buddy.

[Tread]

I was talking with a friend last night. And I couldn't help but to mention to her some of the positives of W moving out a month ago. Things I really didn't expect.

1. My W was the primary cook in our home. But it seems that S13 and I eat far less fast food now, than when she was here.

2. When W left, I thoroughly cleaned the home. I was the one always cleaning up. It would bug me when she and SIL would mess It up a room after I cleaned it up hour's after the fact. So the house stays clean now. So S13 and myself clearly are not the ones making a mess.

3. The television is hardly used at all.

[Tread]

Just an update on my sitch. My lawyer emailed me the divorce paperwork on Friday for me for review. Prior to that everything with me was just fine. But that all seemed replaced with sadness when I saw W and my name's on the top of the paperwork. The feeling of failure came over me. Especially realizing just how simple are issues were compared to other people's sitches.

S13 is back with me this week. Glad to have him back. It didn't feel right being in the place alone. Being around people is cool, while you GAL. But when it's all said and done at night. You are on a house by yourself. W spared herself that issue by living with her sister. That is how she avoids truly being alone without S13. Without SIL, W would have been ran back home.

Surpassed my weight loss goal and now it's time to pack on the muscle and get ripped. Everybody has acknowledged the goal I met and it feels good. I can now fit suits and jeans I haven't worn in years. People mention W and I, but have no clue on what is going on. Or that she has moved out well over a month ago. W continues to keep that's secret from most of our friends and family. Sure she has no issue telling potential OM that she no longer lives with me.

Just feels as if I should let people know what is going on with us. Because people ask how were doing. And I end saying that things are fine. Feels like I just keep covering up for my WW. While she walks around without a care in the world. Detaching is getting better, but I feel the weight of everything is on me. And I don't seem to have the convience of having a moment to relax.

[25yearsmlc]

you can tell people you are "facing a marital challenge, thanks for asking."

I don't think covering for your w is necessary. But as you know, I am not a fan - and neither is MWD - of telling anymore people than necessary, IF you want to reconcile

(and actually if you want to retain some civility with the child related issues.)

I know I'd regret spewing out to others way more than holding my tongue.

Sidenote - when h brought up the Alaskan obsession - AGAIN - at first I was not clear on details (h was omitting, as usual).

But my point is, while I was struggling with a plan or response, an old friend who knew the past and present, blasted me for not filing that day.

I was so bummed I had told her anything about the past. Even though I ended up filing anyhow, it was much later & when more transpired, and I had all the details. Frankly, I have never felt the same about her since. She sort of threw it in my face and I was very vulnerable at the time.

What if the facts were different or h and I could have worked things out? I really wish I had not told her. She reaches out to me now, but I don't feel the same about her.



You can always tell your w what you think if it comes to it. Be brief and think it out in advance, if you do.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

if you tell others - and if she finds out - which is usually the case with someone asking her questions or saying "just thought she should know"

the tendency is for the WAS to revise the marriage even more, in order to defend themselves.

That can make you look bad and you won't even know half the time. If you do know, then it escalates. Character assassination gets ugly fast. Something to consider.
Plus you have a son to consider. At my d20's school when she was just 10, her bff's mom kind of went nuts. She had an affair somewhat openly, started using drugs and got arrested, etc.

Some kid made fun of D's bff, and they slurred the mom to the girl. Though the mom was literally sick, maybe she deserved it.

But her daughter didn't.

I'm almost sick just remembering it.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't have any advice on how to handle that crappy situation, except to say that if your buddy is going to screw your wife, he isn't your buddy.

Yes

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