Any Advice?

[gw5263]

I get it . I understand it all now. I have been going in the complete wrong direction one hundred miles an hour. I am destroying the file and letting go. This road that i was on is a dangerous road filled with tit for tat. If i did turn him in it would serve no good purpose at all other than to satisfy a need for revenge. I read a quote today that when one begins down the path of revenge, one should dig two graves. It stuck with me. Revenge kills the soul and mine has been through enough. All it does is bring other issues like false DV claims, which im sure are in the works. I need to let go and float on down the river. Life is too short to worry about who [censored] you over and why. Time to cool down, get adjusted, and move forward. You are entirely correct in everything you say 25. Thank you for helping to open my eyes. My son actualy told me tonight that he overheard them last night and OM told my wife he had a plan to get the evidence if i kept up. So i can only assume it's a false DV charge to get me out of the house so they can get the evidence. I will make it a point to destroy it. Time to move forward.

[Tread]

You would be a fool to destroy the evidence. At least keep it around for leverage. Especially knowing that she is willing to lie on you. If she tries to destroy you, then she runs the risk in you ruining the career of OM.

[25yearsmlc]

You would be a fool to destroy the evidence.

Sorry to belabor the point but I think it's illegal for him to have it, or to keep it, or to threaten to use it. It's blackmail with classified material; it's not a photo of adultery in a state that has it as grounds for divorce.

PLEASE Seek legal counsel that is familiar with this (not all L's are) and be totally upfront and honest about your behavior and motivations.




At least keep it around for leverage.

FTR, and with all due respect to Tread (whom I usually agree with)

I totally disagree with this^^ approach in this situation. And There is nothing in DBing that suggests it, either.

Especially knowing that she is willing to lie on you. If she tries to destroy you, then she runs the risk in you ruining the career of OM.

How is she trying to "destroy" him? She wants a divorce, not an execution. Yes she lied, but that is not a rare thing here.

I get it, he's very hurt. (No offense, but Join the club). We all are very hurt, and we have all been betrayed in some form.

But we do control OUR behavior. We don't have to spiral.

When we pursue revenge, which this absolutely is, we are not coming from a place of strength. And it's not attractive and I have never seen this type of action help the situation. Never.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

this affair your w is having is not very advanced time wise. I actually think it might have fizzled out by now or soon. 6 months is one standard, 18 months another. The types vary on whether it's not the first A for one of the AP's (as is the case with the OM if your info is accurate)

or a new first time ever, A, which tend to last longer. But they also tend Not to end in marriage, or marriages that last.

Except you are pushing things in a way that I don't get. Sandi advised you NOT to pursue the revenge course or to expose, (*you already confronted your w, so additional details about the A are irrelevant unless you want to use adultery as grounds for divorce. If there is no financial advantage, then why? Also what do you think is best for your son? He has a T, right? )

Sandi gave you advice about getting back the respect that a marriage needs,
so I'm confused about what you want. There is none of this "ruin OM's career" advice in DB and in fact, MWD opposes it.

Maybe some LBS will urge you on to the path of revenge. As sandi says, men tend to think they MUST FIX something. Not inside them, but in others.

I asked you before and I will one more time. What is your GAL and detachment approach?

How are you showing her the catch you are?

Be a husband only a fool would leave.

Instead you are driving yourself crazy with threats and obsessing. OM sure gets a lot of free rental space in your head.

Back off and take a breath. Be a good dad, and dig a lot deeper into what your w said.

I am not blaming you for her choices.

But it's rare that this happens in a vacuum. I don't know your w, but women tend to have A's for emotional reasons, not physical.

You are saying that her complaint was that you "neglected her for a few weeks" and that was why she wanted to leave the m?

Can you dig deeper? It's hard, I know. The real journey in life is an inward one and it's brave U& painful as he11 to do.

What would SHE say the problems were if she were here now?

What can you work on, in you? When the OM eventually falters, and he will - how are you going to look like the better choice?

Would she feel that you are going to hold this over her head forever, like the sword of Damocles?

And throw it in her face when you are angry? Or expect that she must abide by all your wishes b/c after all, you are owed now?

Might she fear you have made the A so public (revenge) that she cannot find her way back to you even if she wanted to...?

Be the better choice. Be a man only a fool would leave.


Till then you are spinning and I think it's dangerous to your m and to you.

Maybe stop taking polls and look inward.


When you have done your own personal best, and you really know it down deep,

then turn your marriage over to God, hold your head high and go in peace.

[gw5263]

I agree. It is not classified information , just some info about some job details. You are absolutley correct. I have expended an enormous amount of energy dwelling on him. Energy i could have spent working on my self. I know i was running down the wrong rabbit hole and i regret it. From tomorrow onward I will begin detachment and working on self. She needs to see what she is giving up to this individual. I hope i have not done too much damage and can correct the course this is on.

As far as they way i would like to go, I would like to begin doing the things i need to do , as told by you and Sandi, to get this back on track and save the M if it is not too late. I just hope i haven't done too much irreversible damage.


The Affair is the first for the W, so I have no idea how long it could last. The way she is talking, it is forever and she loves him, he is her soulmate.
I'll attempt to begin the detachment process tomorrow, and make some strides toward GAL. i was spiralling bad and need to stop before impact.

[gw5263]

I've made a boatload of mistakes during this period, and i want badly to turn it around. I will follow all the advice given by you, and read and re read Sandi's posts as well as the info Cadet sent when i first came on. I can do this.....

[Lovelyp]

Tell your S to avoid listening and telling you about your W and the OM. Tell him it hurts you so much and if you are not told it won't hurt you so much.

My mother had a policy, she would say that when people talk abt me and I don't know it doesn't affect me BUT when you come to tell me you are now the one causing my pain.

Try to GAL and stop focus g on them. Focus on yourself and detach. Move her stuff to the garage and tell her she needs to behave and not involve your S in her affairs. She needs to grow up and show some respect.

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: sandi2
I just figured it was a guy thing.

A guy thing is pissing off of a bridge so you can watch the pee hit the water below. Or farting in an elevator just before getting off the elevator. Or putting fake barf on the conference room table just before a big meeting.

My point exactly!

[gw5263]

Sandi,

I've had some time to sit and digest everything thats been said and the advice i have been given. I know i have gone about this in all the wrong ways. Like i said, i hope its not to late to turn it around. I understand what you and 25 have told me. I know what i need to begin doing now.

It just seems like an insurmountable obstacle right now, because she refuses to end the affair, says she loves him, and wants to have a life with him because he is providing all the emotional needs she was not getting from me. During the course of finding out, I have made significant changes, which are lasting. I now need to start doing as you have advised.
I have looked at my behavior and the factors i have contributed to this mess. I had an issue with drinking, and i did not meet her emotional and physical needs for a time. She never told me there was an issue until i discovered the A. I began that day to make changes for the good, and have kept them up. I did go through a lot of the begging and pleading phases , i was an up to this point the weak guy you described. I got caught up obsessing about the OM, and decided he was the problem, the reason i couldnt get through to her.

I see now i ws wrong. I was the reason i couldnt get through to her, because i was actually pushing her farther and farther away. I became obsessed with details, i needed all the info i could find. I didnt know what i was doing. I made EVERY mistake you said not to in your threads. I drove her farther away. Now i have to regain what little ground i had and try to press on. I appreciate all the advice from all of you, and plan to put it in practice ASAP. If you have any further advice please help me out. I am a willing and ready to listen pupil......

[sandi2]

P.S. to previous post, one has to understand Doodler's sense of humor......to appreciate it, which leaves me quite concerned about myself. Sorry, I had a very late night....or very early morning, not sure which. I will strive to behave myself and get back to serious business at hand.

******************************************************************

Sandi,

Speaking as a man. Even though I know the issues were there before OM came in the picture. But I realize that nothing we do will make a difference until OM is out of the picture. So yes finding ways to get rid of OM tends to become apart if the plan. Then when he gone we can proceed to win W back with our changes.

Tread, I understand what you are saying. I really do. Maybe my daughter could have reported her H's infidelity to the military, especially since she was pregnant, but it would not have changed the thing that made him cheat. He was a serial cheater.