Any Advice?

[joejoe1]

GW,
The advice I'm giving is not to try and ruin your marriage.

I know all you want to do is get your wife back. All you want is for uour wife is to love you again. All you want is another chance to show your wife that you can be the man she needs. You want the woman you married to act like herself. All you want is for her to see that you are the man for her and not the OM. And going to the OM is such a big mistake.

Let me ask you this, if someone who of told you not to marry your wife, what would you have said? No I love this woman. You would have needed proof to believe she werent the one for you.

Well thats where you wife mind is. She believes that this OM is the one for her. It's her belief.

You have this pain in your heart. Your stomach churns. All you do all day is think, read, blog and try to come up with that one solution or multiple things that Will win your wife back.

You can't eat, sleep or concentrate. You want one thing and only one your wife back.

We have all felt these same feeling Ms. On this forum.

Your job now is to show her that your or the man for her. The only way to do that, is not take her manipulation and crap. This woman is Not Your wife and you have to look at her that way to help out of this fog and save her from this dangerous relation. You wont be able to control her out of it.

This OM is controlling your wife and telling her to control you. Stop them both and take control of them both. YOU HOLD THE TRUMP CARD IN THIS SITUATION. You have all the control and they both are scared.

If your wife leave you because you reported him, you think she wont leave if you don't?

[sandi2]

Ive been reading your posts and think that 180, detachment, and GAL is the way to go ,

Yes, I hope you will.

She has this narrative she sticks to about emotionally separating from me before talking to OM, which i dont buy.

Maybe she felt emotionally empty and is now calling it "emotionally separated".........but it is her way of justifying her affair. As much as she wants to make excuses for herself, and wants you to take responsibility for her decision to have an A.........you are to never own it. No matter how much you think doing so would make it easier to reconcile later.......it just leaves you with an unremorseful WW. It's very important that a wayward W takes responsibility for her own decisions, b/c it helps pave the way to feelings of remorse. As long as she blames you....she is not remorseful.

She will accuse you and rewrite history. And now that you have reported OM........she says she hates you, b/c she is furious, so buckle up and put on your helmet.

She told me that all the fighting for us and asking for chances was pushing her farther away. Today she told me that all the effort i attempted to put in to save us actually drove her way past the point of working on us. She forgets that i saw her texts to OM before the Separation telling him she wanted a life with him and not me .

You were putting effort in the wrong ways and it causes a man to be unattractive to his W.........especially a wayward one. Women are attracted to a man with b@lls. If he loses his b@lls, she loses the attraction.

Are you living In-house separation? If so, why? So she can rub it in your face? So far, I only know of one reported case where in-house was successful, and that happened for one reason. The guy finally got his b@lls back and was completely ready to dump her, and that quickly motivated her to get her act together. She knows he means what he says, and she is walking the straight & narrow, so far. Women can tell when you are dumping them.....and when you are faking it. So be legit. There are many testimonials
from men who say in-house separation is soul crushing. I believe it is b/c she can continue having her A and pretty much anything else she wants to do. If you say something, she'll scream that you are S, and yet.......she gets full benefits of being in the M.

This A is strange to me because they have seen each other physically 2 times.

Many H's focus importance on the physical side to an affair. But emotional affairs are extremely powerful......especially for women. The OM feeds her emotional needs, while you take care of her physically. I've seen women leave their M to fly across the country to be with a guy they have never met in person! So, the fact they have had only two times for sex, does not delute the damage A's can do.

If you will read my threads on the WW, it will save me from repeating myself......plus I took more time to break it down in those threads than I can do in a couple of posts. In the meantime remember this.........a WW wants it all. The nice home, nice benefits, the kids, H to take care of her......plus the thrill of her affair. Go read my threads on the WW mindset, and maybe you will see why you are confused.

[gw5263]

Sandi,
yes, it is an in house separation. She originally rented an apartment and I ended up living in it due to the children. My son has aspbergers autism and is very active, and the small apartment restricted his movements and was not good for him. I moved back into our house because she could not afford to pay the payment and keep up with the bills. She did not think out any of this before hand and was acting on impulse and guidance from the OM. He told her to get me out of the picture because i was hindering communication. He manipulates the hell out of her, and she doesnt realize it. My son heard them facetiming the other day while i was at work and OM told my wife to do what ever she could to stop me from turning him in. I feel like it is the right thing to do, regardless of her threat to hate me forever. Her threats now mean nothing because she had stated a month ago she wanted a life with him and not me anyway, so what difference does it make if she hates me now? Obviously she isnt fond of me or there would be no A. She continuously runs hot and cold, she gets angry as hell when the affair is brought up, and is happy as a lark when there is no0 mention of it. She acts as if this all has nver happened, like it was last year. The only fear i have is the fear that she will not respond to detachment, GAL, and 180 if she knows i turn him in. That will either be her loss to bring her out of the fog or drive her farther in. Her job is being impacted by her actions, and the weirdest thing of all that i have seen is a change in her facial features over the last 6 months. I have photos of her from each month and it is very distinguishable. Not that it has any bearing , it just fits thats she's become someone i dont know.

[Parkema]

Hi gw5263,

Please read Sandi’s thread on WW it’s a real eye opener.

I’m responding here as your situation interests me and my original post. The situation you find yourself in IMHO is classical limerence and I’m afraid you need to understand where this is going.

Again take it or leave it BUT limerence is real and I continue to see its effect throughout these boards.

Limerence basically has three stages –
1. Infatuation – the WS is under the spell of his/her AP, they literally can’t help themselves.
2. Crystallisation – the phase that starts the bonding period and where god himself is the enemy IF he were to get in their way. DON’T GET IN THEIR WAY.
3. Deterioration – the phase where cracks start to appear. < Should give you hope…

There is scientific evidence about this, I’m sure if you look at the above you could guess where your WW is in the cycle.

What I worry about in your posts is that you’re concentrating too much on what your WW is doing, this isn’t helping you. She/they can’t be controlled the process has to happen BUT you can escalate the timeframe…

Drop her, let her go work on you and your children if you have any. In-house separation wow how hard is that! Once I found out about my WW A I asked her to move out of the FH, she blatantly refused and the atmosphere for my kids and I was EXTREMELY TOXIC, I had no choice but to move out which I did within a month of BD and to be honest if she were not to move out this is the best alternative for my own sanity. I’m always given 2x4’s here about that but had to protect the kids and I mentally.

You need to detach, I’m sorry if you’ve heard it before but it’s so important. Going dark and allowing the process to happen whilst going out and enjoying the time she’s giving you will help tremendously, use the gift you’ve been given.

Forget about her it’s hard I know and almost impossible whilst in the same house but this will help you to better manage the situation and keep away from their madness. Let them suffer, it won’t seem it initially but with time and patience she may come to realise the grass isn’t any greener.

Live in hope.

Mark.

[Lovelyp]

So sorry for what you are going through. You are getting great advice from Sandi, Parkema and Joejoe1. Dont try to trivialise the EA. Detach, go to the gym, clear your mind and GAL. There is nothing that makes a woman panic than to see the H happy and seem to be doing well without her. She seems to be testing your temperature and trying to be nice for a reason.

[gw5263]

can you explain the temp test for me? she is nasty if i bring up the A but if i just go on about normal business shes nice as hell, like it never happened. the fear i have with exposing the OM is that it might wreck everything for good. Any thoughts on this issue?

[joejoe1]

GW,

A temp test is when your WS, test you to see if you are still bought into staying in the marriage.

She might offer you sex, hug, kiss, to see if you except the bait. This does two things for them, it lets them know where are at and keeps you in limbo if you except. If you don't she will throw bread crumbs are move dither away and see what you do.

Your wife is not temp testing. She is avoiding. Temp testing happens when the WS senses a change and distance starting to form from the LBS.

"Turning the OM might wreck everything good", is what you said. What is good about your Sitch? I don't see any good.

Once you let good of the need to try and control this Sitch, you will turn him in. You are too worried about your wife feelings.

This process will take time and I mean a lot of time. If you look at any Sitch on this forum, people have been dealing with their Sitch for many months and years.

TXHubby dealt with his for 3 years before he got fed up.

The faster you turn him in the faster you can move on to the next phase, it's going to get harder before it gets easier. There are no easy answers here. Your strength, faith and patience are going to be tested.

Buckle up for a long painful ride. Be strong and stand firm.

[Parkema]

gw5263

Can you explain the temp test for me? She is nasty if I bring up the A but if I just go on about normal business she’s nice as hell, like it never happened. The fear I have with exposing the OM is that it might wreck everything for good. Any thoughts on this issue?

Your fear is irrelevant here as you can’t control any of this ^^^^^. Exposing the A to whoever (I will assume his W) can lead to all sorts of outcomes one being hatred to you from your WW but also possibly the AP seeing the very real possibility of him losing his W, he could try and save his MR leaving your WW out in the cold! This often happens with WH but is not a given.

If you read Sandi’s post you’ll see that at the moment your WW doesn’t see you in a very good light anyway irrelevant if the MR was perfect! (PLEASE READ HER POSTS) so what have you got to lose…

WW’s will go out of their way to see if you can be a viable plan B, what I mean by this is that she will try to keep you hanging on the hook by being nice and remain interested in you just in case her A goes nowhere. The problem here is that there is no desire to try and RC whilst she knows there’s no repercussions of her actions, she will “play” you and her AP/LO for as long as she wants. See it this way –
You give her all the emotional/financial support and basically childcare she needs and she thanks you for it.
AP/LO is getting the rest, the cream if you will you know all the good things the intimacy, the sex the desire the excitement the list goes on and on.

You need to break the cycle and let him cater for all her needs except obviously anything to do with your children, this should be arranged between the pair of you through a visitation agreement of some kind.

Once he has to start treating her like this she could EVENTUALLY become a “new wife” in his eyes with the same kind of problems he has to cater for in his long term relationship. Does he want this? Until you stop her from seeing you as always being available and always being there you’ll never know.

Do you see where the DR principles come in here..?

It’s either you or him NOT a bit of both. Don’t do this to yourself.

Mark.

[sandi2]

My son has aspbergers autism and is very active, and the small apartment restricted his movements and was not good for him. I moved back into our house because she could not afford to pay the payment and keep up with the bills. She did not think out any of this before hand and was acting on impulse and guidance from the OM. He told her to get me out of the picture because i was hindering communication. He manipulates the hell out of her, and she doesnt realize it. My son heard them facetiming the other day while i was at work and OM told my wife to do what ever she could to stop me from turning him in. I

Okay, so you are under the same roof. Is she currently employed outside of the home, and share in covering expenses? Does she do her share at home and with your son? I forgot to check the age of you child. Is he in school?

Let me get this straight, b/c I thought you had already reported OM. Now, as I read your latest post, you have not reported him......but you informed your WW what you were thinking of doing.......and, of course, she alerts OM. Is this correct. If not, please tell me.

It would be wonderful if she would get her eyes opened by OM wanting her to dump you so to save his own hide.......and then see how quickly he pulls away when his military career is threatened. If he can manipulate her, he may think he can do the same with you. He will work through your WW to manipulate your decision to report him. In the future, do not warn, or threaten, what you may do if the A continues. Your threats will be ignored.

Her threats now mean nothing because she had stated a month ago she wanted a life with him and not me anyway, so what difference does it make if she hates me now? Obviously she isnt fond of me or there would be no A. She continuously runs hot and cold, she gets angry as hell when the affair is brought up, and is happy as a lark when there is no0 mention of it. She acts as if this all has nver happened, like it was last year

.

If you will read my WW threads, you will see how her current actions are nothing more than smoke & mirrors to give you the delusion she might reconsider if you just won't report her lover.

The only fear i have is the fear that she will not respond to detachment, GAL, and 180 if she knows i turn him in. That will either be her loss to bring her out of the fog or drive her farther in.

Let me see if I can give a short answer about her loss. The H can stop enabling her. He can stop rescuing her and fixing her problems. He can take away benefits he provided for her as his wife. He can take away his support. He can take himself out of her life. In many cases, the cumulation of things she loses .......and reality tearing down her fantasy.......will work together in turning her around in the right direction. But sometimes, it may be a loss that you would never think about, and/or have nothing to do with you. The important thing to understand here is that she has to clearly see for herself how the loss is the result of her actions.

And here is where it may get a little sticky for the H. His job is not to take revengeful actions or try to punish her........and calling it by another name. He has to make very tough decisions, and whatever he decides to do......should be done according to his belief system, his standards and principals...,,,,and his own self value. This should be confused with thinking he should act like a wimp, not standing up for himself, and not tolerate her disrespect, etc. He has to be a man of integrity, and who lives by his values. That often requires tough love. Currently, the emotions are raw and thoughts of what to do may be rampant. He cannot afford to operate from a state of emotions. He just can't, b/c emotions are fickle and they can't make smart decisions. His head makes the decisions, so he had better have something more solid to direct him at this stressful time.

I took sat under a Pastor who spoke about love, and was introduced to the topic of impersonal love. As strange as that sounds, it gave me a blueprint for how to deal with loved ones who are not behaving very loving to you, and especially with a spouse. I learned that you have to mentally step back and let go of the emotion that wants to dictate how you should react to the other person. It doesn't remove your love for the other person, .......but it balances your emotionally flooded and confused brain to where you can operate in a much smarter, clearer, and safer state of mind. When you can behave and make decisions that are not based on fear, angry, jealousy, worry how she'll react, etc.........then you are taking control of only yourself and letting go of the drama, threats, and trying to control her. It's not about being cold, sullen, angry, etc. It is about mentally detaching from the emotionally charged situation so that you can act in a fashion that speaks of confidence, self respect, integrity, maturity, and calmness. This is lovingly detaching from the emotionally charged environment. And this, my friend, is attractive.

You need some serious alone time so that you can clear your head and get a plan of action. Think of what you need to do to protect yourself. Conduct yourself with dignity.

Could you get away for the weekend, to be alone? Just tell her you have a lot to think about......and don't give her any other details, b/c she will ask questions. She has your number, in case of an emergency.

Please ask questions if you are confused about anything I've said.

[25yearsmlc]

can you explain the temp test for me? she is nasty if i bring up the A but if i just go on about normal business shes nice as hell, like it never happened. the fear i have with exposing the OM is that it might wreck everything for good. Any thoughts on this issue?

Not sure who or what you mean by "exposing" the OM. Have you read the DB books?

If you mean to expose the A to 3rd parties (as opposed to simply confronting your spouse)

then you are 1) taking a huge chance of it backfiring.

I have seen it ruin/harm the chances of a recon. In the few m's that have survived the exposure - it was NOT because of the exposure, and surviving it is not the same as saying it helped.

and

2) not following the DB tenets.