Thanks leahsue. If you go back and read my whole sitch, you'll see I have floundered quite a bit with DB because W was giving a lot of mixed signals. But, now I am free and clear and can DB and focus on my life.
I follow your sitch but haven't commented there because I don't think I have anything useful to offer yet. But, I will if I can throw in my 2 cents at some point. Thanks for commenting here.
Ahhh! I am feeling really restless today for some reason. Still feel stuck. I am moving to my new place in 2 weeks, which is something I am looking forward to.
Part of the restlessness is coming from me wanting to leap through all the uncomfortable bits right now and just get to a place of zen. I know I need to go through this phase to reach detachment and peace, but I am just feeling restless today.
I am also reading here a lot and I need to kinda chill out and limit that for a while. I'll probably be here every day, but I might limit my time only for an hour or so.
W bombarded me with texts last night - all business stuff so no surprises there. I didn't get back to her until morning. Most of this stuff will go away in two weeks as I will have moved out.
Ahhh! I am feeling really restless today for some reason. Still feel stuck. I am moving to my new place in 2 weeks, which is something I am looking forward to.
Part of the restlessness is coming from me wanting to leap through all the uncomfortable bits right now and just get to a place of zen. I know I need to go through this phase to reach detachment and peace, but I am just feeling restless today.
I am also reading here a lot and I need to kinda chill out and limit that for a while. I'll probably be here every day, but I might limit my time only for an hour or so.
W bombarded me with texts last night - all business stuff so no surprises there. I didn't get back to her until morning. Most of this stuff will go away in two weeks as I will have moved out.
M,
For me being here is both a blessing and a curse. It allows me to vent and seek advice, but at the same time, being here is also a constant reminder of what went wrong. So that is why I have tried to be here, but not live here lately.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
For sure! I just want the next two weeks to be done with so that I can move on to the next chapter of life. W has been in her new place for over 2 months and has been ahead of the curve all along. I'd just like to get that fresh start now that my situation is pretty clear.
I am going climbing tonight to clear my head, which will help. I just have to ride out these two weeks. Feel like they'll take forever.
This place can be a blessing and a curse yes, but I wouldn't have made it here without it - and I am not that far in my DBing yet, but it gives me strength.
Sometimes I wish I could do IC almost every other day.
For sure! I just want the next two weeks to be done with so that I can move on to the next chapter of life. W has been in her new place for over 2 months and has been ahead of the curve all along. I'd just like to get that fresh start now that my situation is pretty clear.
I am going climbing tonight to clear my head, which will help. I just have to ride out these two weeks. Feel like they'll take forever.
This place can be a blessing and a curse yes, but I wouldn't have made it here without it - and I am not that far in my DBing yet, but it gives me strength.
Sometimes I wish I could do IC almost every other day.
Yeah, me too. I forgot to mention my IC.. I will post it in mine
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Is the hardest thing to do, to go dark and not do anything. But there is so much hurt while going dark you actually reflecting on everything that happen and then you start questioning can you even save your marriage. For me I been going dark going on 5 weeks since going dark not texting W not calling just focusing on me and kids.
And honestly meeting new friends helps alot with no attachment i make it clear it was a 10yr marriage, and i meet new friends that i met for drinks or movie this weekend W notice me dress since the BD W wasn't angry she was soft spoken W ask oh you must have a new girlfriend I kept focus on kids i didn't answer W finally said I love you so much I still love you I point blank ask are you with her she said Yes we talking i said Ok there is nothing else to talk about i hope you find your happiness I could see W was waiting for me to say I love you but I didn't. I honestly was so hurt i want to cry but i stood my ground. W when on and on before i said ok bye i just looked at W and said remember everything in this world could be fix we are human who make mistakes just dont let pride get in the way. W shook head like she understand.
Am hoping this was the right answer am hoping it didn't show her i want my marriage as much i would love to have my wife back and marriage i know this is not going be a easy process or over night. But am seeing W getting jealous. Am hoping this is a good sign for me.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Thanks Marina for your kind words. I just quickly read some of your sitch and will go back and read properly.
I am basically restarting DB and started going dark/NC mid last week. I can't do complete NC because we have 2 kids and we are both still involved in their lives. I am trying to do as much NC as possible - I know that I need it for my own sanity. I am hoping to get to a place of peace and detachment in the next 12 months.
Maika, We also have 3 beautiful kids we adopted W goes weeks with NC am not sure how W does it but W has done it, I use to force kids on her and realize ut would make her angry. Unfortunately my WAW also detach from kids. as you would read my story is a crazy situation even the lawyer is at lost. But I feel safe when rhey with me when they do go with W I notice they come back exhausted. Is hard going dark because our mind start thinking of all the horrible things our W done but also makes us reflect on us. When I get ask how are you I answer a day at a time. Because honestly that's all we can do.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
So I had my second session with a DB Coach and it went really great. I am really happy with my DB Coach and I just feel like they give me such a boost of energy and confidence, and a game plan.
My main goals until the end of the calendar year are: Have friendly and positive encounters with W.
Not shut her out completely I need to explain this one. One of the things that W said to me when I had the temp check with her last week was that she was expecting me to shut her out completely. This has been the way I have operated my whole life - if someone violates my trust or betrays me, I cut them out of my life. I developed this mechanism for self-preservation and emotional protection. W knows this very well. So, DB coach suggested that instead of having a black/white mindset about this, try and reciprocate and share things about my life that I am comfortable with - and do it slowly. She said that this is a great 180 that I can do in a small way. In tandem, I need to view these as simple friendly encounters and not have any expectations that this is working on the MR. In fact, it is not working on the MR directly, but creating space to do the 180.
Start modeling acceptance of other perspectives and ways of doing things
I can do this with my kids. This is an area that I seriously need to grow for myself so that I can be a better parent towards my kids. I have this type A personality and that things are done in a specific way and other ways of doing them are not doing them properly. I need to be able to relax and open up and start seeing that people have different styles and it is not an indication of them not caring, or being irresponsible. DB Coach said that if I can model this for my kids, W will see that and understand the deep changes that I want to make for myself.
So the focus is still on myself because all of the above things are in line with me wanting to improve who I am and how I want to be as a person and father.
DB Coach said that striking that balance between doing the above things and maintaining my own emotional/mental protection is something that will have to be attained. And she said that the only way I can get there is if I practice and not just talk or think about it. So, I am going to put all of this into action.
I feel so much more relieved and better and positive. I want to do hand stands lol. I can see the great person I want to become and it's getting me so excited.
So, DB coach suggested that instead of having a black/white mindset about this, try and reciprocate and share things about my life that I am comfortable with - and do it slowly. She said that this is a great 180 that I can do in a small way.
That's cool and I definitely it is something you can do over time. Just be prepared to not get anything in return from your W. It's hard to make small talk and engage about your life if you are talking to a brick wall. I have found that some days my W is open to being more talkative and other days she is not.
For example, I asked her last night how school was. She looked at me, said fine and then said she was in off campus training today. Then turned her head and looked the other way. Not very inviting for additional dialogue. I was like whatever, walked away and started playing soccer with my oldest D.
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This is an area that I seriously need to grow for myself so that I can be a better parent towards my kids. I have this type A personality and that things are done in a specific way and other ways of doing them are not doing them properly.
Cool, good for you. I like this one and I think you have mentioned this before about your parenting skills compared to your wife's. You may not say anything verbally but no-verbally maybe she is picking up a vibe.
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DB Coach said that striking that balance between doing the above things and maintaining my own emotional/mental protection is something that will have to be attained. And she said that the only way I can get there is if I practice and not just talk or think about it.
I found that my W is more friendly via text message/email than she is in person some times. Maybe you test the waters by giving a little more when she text's you/email a joke, etc to let her know you are not shutting her out completely. That way you could continue working on detaching since you don't see her during the week.
