M......I agree with Benito there is no right or wrong answer it is what you feel is right in your heart. I didn't invite my W to my B-Day party back in July because I didn't enjoy being around her and it would have hurt me too much. It was a hard decision to make but I made it for myself and it was the right choice.
For the record I cried my eyes out as well every morning to my mom and really anyone else that would listen. I remember having to sit my team down at work to tell them because they knew something was wrong with me, it was impacting my work. I sat there with 6 of them looking at me in complete silence because I couldn't get the words out without crying.
I would encourage you to feel the pain..........you have to let it go, all of it.
Thanks J, Benni, and doodler for your perspectives.
I will reflect on it and see how I truly feel about it. Yes, I am letting the pain come to the surface and processing my emotions so that I don't bury them. It's a new thing for me and a bit unsettling, but I am allowing myself to feel human.
I am going to let it all go slowly and I have a great IC who has my back too. But, everyone on this board has been priceless. Couldn't have done it without y'all.
It's a rough process, I remember laying at wake at night when I had my kids wondering who is boinking her, etc.
The pain came in waves, good days and bad, then gradually you start to have more good days that string together.
If your someone who likes to have control/order it probably makes the sitch more difficult. You have to learn to let go and not control it. You will only make yourself crazy.
Get your mind to a higher level of thinking/being that is not driven by your ego.
Yesterday, I had two major moments where waves of thoughts came. The first one was about her living her single life and going on dates and sleeping with other men, and those were painful thoughts.
Much later in the day, outta nowhere, all these thoughts came like a torrent - all of them about how much she would tell me about how I take such good care of her in sickness and in good health, and I am so attentive and caring and patient with her. And those thoughts also brought pain, but it was a different kind of pain.
I am trying to be a lot more self-aware and let these thoughts come, process them, and let them pass. I don't try to avoid them because they are uncomfortable - which was my MO in the past.
Yeah, I am working to get my mind to that higher level of thinking and being - and yes, I am a bit of a control freak so I definitely know that that is something I have to consciously work on.
Yeah, I am working to get my mind to that higher level of thinking and being - and yes, I am a bit of a control freak so I definitely know that that is something I have to consciously work on.
I could tell in how you were attacking your sitch
Quote:
Yesterday, I had two major moments where waves of thoughts came. The first one was about her living her single life and going on dates and sleeping with other men, and those were painful thoughts.
Yes they are.....get to a higher level of thinking. These thoughts are driven by our male EGO. As males we focus on the physical aspect.
Quote:
I am trying to be a lot more self-aware and let these thoughts come, process them, and let them pass. I don't try to avoid them because they are uncomfortable - which was my MO in the past.
Good...let the feelings in you have to.
Quote:
Much later in the day, outta nowhere, all these thoughts came like a torrent - all of them about how much she would tell me about how I take such good care of her in sickness and in good health, and I am so attentive and caring and patient with her. And those thoughts also brought pain, but it was a different kind of pain.
My W old me I was her rock and she could never imagine her life without me and the kids because that is all she has. Those thoughts used to make me sad not angry. Your right it is different than thinking about someone boinking her. That would get me really pissed off.
I am really glad that I had this convo with her because now I know for sure and I am not second guessing myself or what she's doing. I can just move on and try and live a DB life. I had a very hard time living in ambiguity.
Yes, I think most of us need that clarity and almost everyone does end up doing at least one big temperature check like that just to be sure. I'm glad you are taking it to heart though, because some people will do what you did and then a week later do it again, and a week later again.... and they never go on to work on themselves and grow because they are living in constant denial.
Quote:
It really dispels the myth that somehow your WAS is different than the rest and you don't really have to put DB into practice.
Exactly. It's hard for all of us to believe that this person that was so in love with us not too long ago is suddenly NOT in love with us AT ALL. But that's our new reality, we're dealing with a different person than who we were married to. And the people of these forums know better than anyone who that interloper is and how they think and feel.
Quote:
W suggested that we do Sunday dinners together with the kids because this would be a good thing for them. I am not sure about this. I'd rather not have much contact for a while so that I can just focus on myself and detach. I dunno if these weekly dinners will be a good thing. But, if it seems that it would be good for kids, then I can surely set aside my feelings and just do it.
Go ahead and do one and see how it goes. If it upsets you then you can always tell your W that you're just not ready for that yet and that you want to postpone it until you're feeling more up to it. Or suggest every-other-week like you said. I think you know not to have any expectations!
So, had an awesome awesome weekend with the kids. We went to a cultural celebration yesterday afternoon and it was so much fun. Today, we went out climbing and kids couldn't get enough of it. We were there for almost three hours and they didn't want to leave. They completed some rock wall routes and a starter bouldering route - man, they were tenacious: they attacked each route over and over again until they got it. It was unbelievably inspiring. We're doing this every weekend now.
Dropped them off at W's after and stayed for dinner. I wasn't sure about it, but because she had invited me over for it previously, I just went. We had a couple of things to discuss, but nothing that couldn't be done over text. I was also hella tired from climbing and didn't particularly feel like sticking around. I was pleasant and chill during dinner and it's easy because kids were talking their heads off about climbing. But, I still wasn't super comfortable being there doing this, but I put on a good show. I don't think I will do it next week and the week after that she's out of town so we won't be able to do it any ways.
Now with the schedule set for the kids, I basically won't see her outside of a kids activity on the weekend. So, I can go weeks now without spending any serious time with her - I am glad about this because I need the space and time to figure my $hit out and detach. I am also moving soon so I need to get ready for that and that will be hectic.
There seems to be a sense of finality right now, which oddly seems to feel kinda good. Like I can actually move on now.
That is aweomse dude! My D's love climbing as well. My buddy introduced me to it a couple of months ago and he has a membership at a local climbing gym. Some of those guys are incredible with how they almost hang upside down.
Your a big man for being able to do dinner. I think it shows your confidence that you were able to get through it with no emtions. Good for you! Sounds like you didnt linger around either which is another positive step! I take the same approach it's like what do we have to talk about???
I agree this is the space that you will need to work on detaching. I don't know how people do it who are in an in house separation. Let them go, let them be free and see what they do with it. I really do believe that is the only way.
You will get there! Remeber we are all here for you! No emotions....ZEN like.
Thanks man! Yeh, the climbing is just incredible in terms of building your upper body and core. I see some of men and women doing bouldering and they're not super cut, but they have immense upper body strength. You probably couldn't tell that by looking at them. I really like the idea of getting that type of strength. Gym stuff is good for definition and getting lean, but I want to get really strong again. Climbing is the way to go for that, and bouldering is just incredible fun - can make you feel humble pretty fast.
Yeh, I was almost going to bail on dinner but decided to just go through with it cuz it was planned. Previously whenever I've had dinner at her place, I would put kids to bed and it has been just horrendous for them and me - them asking me to stay and having an emotional breakdown. I just wanted to avoid that too. So, pretty much after dinner, I left and told W that business stuff can be done over text and it's not major.
