The TL;DR story: W says she wants a D. - This time she seems to mean it, but her actions (polite and friendly) are in contrast with her words (alternates between hostile in R talks to charming as can be). - Mom died 15 months ago, she started stepping down off meds 9 months ago, is totally off of them - Her Dad is moving to a retirement community this week - We both adore our kids and dog - We have a ton of close couple friends - She sends a ton of mixed messages - I'm sure I'm not the easiest person to live with, but I am working on improving myself. - W admits to being conflicted. - Her "therapist" is a "transition specialist"...ie helps with Ds and other life events. She wants me to to participate in those discussions, but I have refused. - No A or OM, but she has a guy friend/former coworker she Skype calls with in another country who is much older. She claims no PA or EA and has offered to introduce me to him. R unsteadiness precedes this complication. - We made plans today to go on a family trip over spring break in March.
Oh, and today we received a big heavy box from Amazon. W ordered an "anxiety blanket." Apparently this helps soothe anxious people. Neither of us are sleeping particularly well right now. I am trying to detach, stop mind-reading, and do things for me. It's hard.
Looks like a model marriage from the outside, but rocky shores are ahead. We're all looking for a little inner peace.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/16/1703:10 AM. Reason: link
W has been out of town since Wednesday helping her dad move into a retirement community. I've been busy while she's been gone: - new fitness program (something she joined and has been encouraging me to try) - going out with friends - being a stellar dad - not replying to her texts, not answering phone when she calls...and she's called a bunch which is unusual...I called her this afternoon but only when I had a minute - I've been sleeping so well while she's been out of town, it's been really refreshing, actually.
She's back on Tuesday, and we have some family activities for the remainder of the week which is usually really nice and special. I know our clergy is preparing some remarks that will really speak to her when we see him at services (he usually does, but for some reason I think his appeal will be more resonant to her this time. I know he's going to talk about the power of resentments and what happens in one's mind in the space between action and reaction).
I did say ILY on the phone (as did she) when we hung up. I'm glad she's helping her dad, it's meaningful to all of them.
There's still a lot of space between us. No D or R talks in almost 10 days. I had asked her a couple of weeks ago that we not do anything before the end of September. Can't tell if she's just passing the time, or what is going on. As someone said on another post...limbo stinks.
First call w/DB coach on Monday, we'll see where that leads.
Question for the boards: "Don't believe anything she says, and 50% of what she does." I may be too literal, but I really don't understand this. If she's calling and texting and emailing every day while she's out of town, is that something that she's "doing"? What does "does" mean, in this context?
I would say "doing" here is the calling, texting, emailing, so you would not put a ton of significance on the fact that she is doing these things, since they could change tomorrow.
In the end though I would say this is a good sign.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
In the end though I would say this is a good sign.
The space since she has been away has been really nice for me. But, I read DR before going to sleep...not a good idea for me. Had the worst night's sleep since she left! Mind keeps racing, and I'm not sure what things will be like when she gets back.
I've been reading some other threads...especially a post by Sandi to Nrthman a couple of weeks ago.
Quote:
With the same token, she wants to find a target to put all the blame for her unhappiness and feeling dead. If her personal world was larger, she might have more things/people to blame. However, in this situation, you seem to be her target.
I don't discourage anyone from making self improvements. However, I can't honestly say your improvements will bring your W around. She has to turn lose of the resentment for past offenses, along with her disillusion ideas about M. She has to be responsible for her own happiness. Until then, you could be nearly perfect and it would not change her mindset.
I tell you this b/c I feel sorry for guys I see working so hard to change, thinking it will get back the W. Whether they admit it or not, I believe that's the real intent for their changes..at least, initially. So, go ahead and improve, but don't think that's going to change her.
My W is filled with resentment and blame. So much blame, some of it is of course valid, a whole lot of it is wildly misplaced. She's unhappy with her job, mom died, she's off meds, dad is moving to a retirement community and selling her childhood house, S is starting high school...there are lots of things happening that are not R-related, but are life events that are hard to deal with.
I don't know how to square Sandi's comment with DB methodology. Any suggestions?
I had a mini-epiphany this morning. I don't think my W has ever been in a relationship for more than 3 years before we got married, and it's been almost 17 for us now.
If her knowledge base of what makes a relationship "good" is based on the relationships she's been in, then she has no idea if our relationship is good or not...she's never been in one this long to use as a yardstick. In fact, I don't think any of us have.
So although it would not be wise to discount her feelings, maybe we're just in uncharted territory for both of us? Doesn't mean we need to cut and run, just means we need to get out a map and start exploring.
Maybe that's obvious, I don't know. But it's perspective. Wish I could talk about this with her.
Sandi - see a couple of posts above. You made a comment to Nrthman a couple of weeks ago about Ws that harbor resentment and blame, and that there isn't a lot for the LBH to do in this case.
However, DBing and "Sandi's rules" kind of run counter to that.
Are you saying the dynamic is different when long-held resentments are involved?
kind of run counter to that.