Lost on how to save my marriage! 3

[joejoe1]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2760162#Post2760162

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...187#Post2758187

[joejoe1]

My GAL tonight is a new comers brief at the church I just joined.

I got all my stones delivered today to do my outdoor fire pit. I also put a hold on the CC. Its Maxed out.

[joejoe1]

AS,

To be honest, I think there is a little conflict on the detaching piece. So I have a misunderstanding of when I should interact with my wife. When reading the detachment information, it says don't initiate conversations.

Then reading Sandi2 thread, it says, wife is not looking for love. So how do we loving detach and show that we care. If our S are to believe they are losing us, aren't they to believe that our love is fleeing as well?

[AnotherStander]

AS,

To be honest, I think there is a little conflict on the detaching piece. So I have a misunderstanding of when I should interact with my wife. When reading the detachment information, it says don't initiate conversations.

Then reading Sandi2 thread, it says, wife is not looking for love. So how do we loving detach and show that we care. If our S are to believe they are losing us, aren't they to believe that our love is fleeing as well?

It just means don't be cold, rude or angry. You can detach while still being pleasant and happy. You're supposed to be showing her what she'll miss, and she's not going to miss a snippy, impatient, needy you. Right? Lovingly detach doesn't mean buy her flowers and whisper sweet nothings in her ear, because THAT is NOT detaching. It just means give her time and space but don't treat her like she has the plague. Read Sandi's rules again, those rules are 100% what lovingly detaching is all about. Remove all pressure.

[joejoe1]

Update,

Yesterday my kids had a boosterton at their school. So W and I went. It was a great time. While we were waiting on S6 start time, wife told me she needed to talk to me. She starts talking about her future plans about college and how she has decided to go to a different college since the one shes has been trying to get into has been messing her around( and they really have). She told me about what she wants out of life. I listened and validated. I never inserted my future into the convo. This is her first time in a long time talking to me about her future. She has stop talking about getting a job. (Which she was talking about getting one to get on her feet an move, maybe it's a plan I just havent heard anything about it).

At the boosterton, I was lively, energectic, and talkative to the people around me (180s for me). I felt normal for the first time in years. So this BD was the situation that woke me up. I needed help and BD gave me the wake up call I needed. BD still sucked, but I needed to fix myself either way.

Fast forward to last night. She is calling my name all night long, to do this and that. And asking can I certain things certain ways. I listened, acknowledged and went on my way. I haven't heard my name called by her much in months. Maybe she is just temp testing. We shall see. Tonight if she's cold, we know it was temp testing.

[sandi2]

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
_________________________
_________________________

[joejoe1]

Sandi2,

Thanks for the detaching info.

I have been changing up my detaching tactic. I'm adding the love, and taking away so much of the coldness.

With that being said. Now my wife is calling, texting, and calling my name to come look at someting on the TV and do her favors. She has been coming next o me. But I know she hasn't come close to changing her mind. I feel she is doing these things as temp testing. I also feel like a friend while she does these things.

When she call and text she starts off talking about the kids and then go into her talkative self, before BD. She has been also telling me her plans. She hasn't told me her plans for months. Now I don't tell her mind. I see this as, now I'm telling you my plans, you should me yours. What do you all think?

I think I'm gauging this right, what do you'll think.

I almost messed up and bought her favorite M&Ms. But in that moment when I had them in my hand, I realized, that would be a mistake, because she would probably take it as if I think she is thinking about staying in the marriage. So I put them back.

[sandi2]

I have been changing up my detaching tactic. I'm adding the love, and taking away so much of the coldness.

How are you "adding love"?

Detaching is not showing anger, coldness, spite, etc. Please read below.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

When she call and text she starts off talking about the kids and then go into her talkative self, before BD. She has been also telling me her plans. She hasn't told me her plans for months. Now I don't tell her mind. I see this as, now I'm telling you my plans, you should me yours. What do you all think?

You feel like a friend b/c she is using you like a friend. When you are detached, you will not have the need to analyze everything she says or does.

How do you respond to her texts and calls? Do you engage when she is talking about her plans?

[joejoe1]

Sandi2,

I'm detaching with love by, not being angry or snarky in our interactions. I let her live her life.

When responding to her text and calls I say ok good enjoy yourself. Sometimes she just keeps talking and I listen dont interject or reciprocal with what I have planned.

The part about me being a friend, what do u suggest I do. I living my life. I dont call, text or email her. I GAL all the time. And I dont follow her around the house. She is calling for me all over the house.

[sandi2]

Are you living together? Sleeping in same bed?