Sotto provided you w/good, solid advice. However, I do understand where you are coming from and he may return...but it may not be for a while, if ever. Some continue to do things for the LBS out of guilt for what they've done and others do it to keep the door open in case things don't work out in that cold, cruel world.
All I ask of you is this...take care of you, your health and your children. But most importantly...keep the focus on you for now. You are the most important person in your childrens' lives at the moment. Your h...well...he's still circling the moon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think yours is coming back. I think Sotto is just trying to remind you that because it isn't a certainty and no one wants to see you waiting in the front window for him to show up with suitcase in hand, that you need to focus on you and your life until that day arrives.
I wish there were surveys and statistics about this stuff. Something that we could cling to. But, at the end of the day, all we can cling to is our own beliefs and our own desires. I do think it is odd when they continue to pay the bills. As you know, mine does that as well. Yes, he messes with the money from time to time, but I know that has more to do with his control efforts and misguided efforts to force me to contact him. I don't believe for a moment that he will stop supporting us (although I continue to take steps in the event he does).
It is also odd when they don't file for divorce. I spend an hour every week in my IC appointments on this topic. I hope that I will soon see how pointless that effort is. I can't read minds and I legitimately believe that mine doesn't know from one day to the next what he wants. What I do know is that I have done everything to make it possible for him to file and have let him know it is what I want and he still won't do it.
Have that hope in your heart that it will turn out that way, but like the Stockdale Paradox tells us, don't have in your mind any specific time frame it will happen, otherwise you will go mad.
Thanks, I needed those words right now I understand that people here are sceptical as they are only reading our version of our marriages and perception of what is happening.
And at the end of the day, we don't know each other and are just reading words on a forum. Believe me, the people who know me can't get over my empathy and compassion for H. But then, I was the one who watched him crumble over two years before my very eyes. Not them.
I've always said if the old H had done this to me I would never have forgiven him. But I believe he had some kind of mental breakdown and as its been said before, we Brits have a stiff upper lip. The term keep calm and carry on is a kind of mantra to us.
We don't have a culture of counselling here and frankly after reading some of the advice given to some of the members actually encouraging D I'm glad we don't. Having said that though, I believe I have been counselled to an extent here, for free.
I made vows and they didn't stipulate that in sickness and in health meant only the physical kind. In the Lighthouse Story or maybe it was Jack that mentions they will feel like a monster and be very fragile.
I know he feels terrible for what he's done. Last year on my birthday he dropped off my coat and boots in the middle of the night in the garage with a birthday card. Totally impersonal 'celebrate & enjoy' with a cocktail on the front. Inside he scrawled from H. That card screamed resentment to me, it went straight in the bin.
Fast forward to this year 'to my special wife' inside was printed with all my love. This time H wrote (nicely) 'from H' x
Hi Westo, I hope my suggestions didn't cause any offence - certainly none was intended and I appreciate the difficulties of the situation we are all in. I hope I'm a realist rather than a sceptic and I'm certainly not pro divorce. I stood up for our marriage when it was in crisis and I did so until it ended. My XH was the one who filed for D and he did every step towards us divorcing, knowing it wasn't my choice. There is much peace for me in knowing all of this and I have no regrets - also I very much respect the choice of others to stand.
But also, we are working with the reality that our spouse is someone else's boyfriend at this point and he may choose to remain that way or he may choose to turn back to the marriage. I only want to highlight that there are no guarantees and whilst we may choose to stand, it is important to be able to deal with the possible reality of either scenario. That's the best place to get to I think - to hope for the best and be fully prepped for the worst too...
I hope that clarifies what I was trying to say - and I certainly don't feel any situation is hopeless. But focusing on ourselves and letting our spouse drift in the wind is certainly the way to go - that is - let go or be dragged..
Hopefully this is of some help anyway and I do hope things will unfold positively for you..
Take care and have a lovely weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
No, you didn't offend me. I totally understand and thanks for wishing me a nice weekend.
Yours and Jobs words sat with me though,so much so that I drunk texted H last night asking if he was stringing me along about leaving.
He answered no, it was still his intention. I answered that I didn't know what to say to that.
He replied that he knows it's taking longer than he thought but it will happen soon, didn't want to discuss it then as he was in work and needed to concentrate as his 'head was in the shed'.
I asked what his idea of soon is and he replied 2 weeks. I didn't respond and ten minutes later he texted asking if I'd gone to bed. I answered no I was still up. The week after next he's going away for a week organising a motoring event, he does every year. I said......I take it you aren't going back after the event and he replied that that was his plan.
So, will just have to wait and see. I know it's classed as pursuing, but I don't regret asking. I think I'm perfectly entitled to. After all, it's been three months since we discussed reconciliation.
Last edited by job; 10/15/1702:47 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
Hi Westo, I hope you're not too hungover this morning and I'm going to offer a little 2x4, but I'm making it a gentle, fluffy one okay?
Firstly, I don't think pursuing is ever a good idea - even if you haven't done it for 3 months. There isn't a little caveat that says - go for it if you haven't asked since July..please don't keep doing the same thing (ie: what doesn't work) and expecting positive results. Of course if he arrives with a suitcase a week on Saturday, I'll eat my words and wish you guys well
Secondly, believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do. So, I would have absolutely no expectations that he will do what he has said. Don't even contact him after 2 weeks to find out where he's at. Truly, I think if he is ready to come home, the request will come from him.
Thirdly, I hope you'll start following advice and 'doing what works' rather than posting - I did this, but...I feel entitled, I know my H.. At times like these it is best to 'trust the process' because we are so emotional ourselves, it is hard to do the right thing. And I see you driven by emotion in your contacts with your H. If we take emotion out of the picture here - what do you think is going to be more attractive to him? You drunk texting him and asking when he's coming home or you out dancing with friends and not giving him a moment's thought? What would be more attractive to you?
I hope this is fluffy enough Westo and I am digging deep for patience. I hope you'll do the same and step back (leave him be) drop the rope, re-read DB or DR or both. Re-read the 37 rules and shift the focus back on to you. Truly, if you emerge from this process stronger, wiser and gentler, you can't lose - whether or not your H is lucky enough to reconcile with you.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I won't contact him again, but I wanted to make it clear to you and whoever is reading, arriving with a suitcase is not going to happen, not for a long time and only after much more contact and when I feel ready and he's earned my trust again.
He will stay with his parents and he said last night he is going to see them Wednesday to ask them.
Sotto has given you "golden" advice. We understand how you feel and know that you aren't going to open the door and say come in and stay w/o the much needed work on his part to earn your trust and respect back. Hopefully, he will stay w/his parents and start to work on himself and figure things out.
Pushing for a date is adding pressure to an already self made pressure cooker in his head. Leave him be. Allow him to come to you and if you decide to drink, put that phone somewhere out of reach. Pursuing him will not bring him closer to you. I know you are anxious to have him come back...but he still needs time to do the necessary work on himself and you both need time to reconnect on a friendship basis because you both have changed during this crisis. It's one step forward, two steps back. Dig deeper for patience and understand that if and when he returns home, things will not go back to normal for about 12-24 months, depending up how you both deal w/what transpired during the crisis.
Yes, actions do speak louder than words. Keep the focus on you, your health and your children.
Last edited by job; 10/15/1702:46 AM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with everything you say. I drInk every night so actually I've done very well not to make too much contact, it's just that wondering if he was stringing me along played on my mind all day.
I've treated this time as a kind of holiday, knowing I don't answer to anyone anymore. Yes I'm an alcoholic, I love my red wine and I'm not anxious for him to come home to me, because I know this 'holiday' has to come to an end.
But I am anxious he leaves OW. I didn't use that term with him last light, never do. Only about leaving (insert name of town). But we both know what is meant.
Please can I remind everyone that I went NC from August 2016 but for four emails.
Two in November one hoping he was ok, the other thanking him for money he deposited into my account to pay for Christmas.
One in February hoping he was still ok and in May wishing him a happy birthday.
He made contact with me on hearing of my cancer diagnosis. My upmost concern is for my health, kids, Grand kids and that the bills are paid.
I have discovered me. When we had our R talk he told me there was so much going on in his head, mainly what he had done to me.
You should have seen his face when I replied that I wouldn't change a thing.
'"you've been given the gift of time,use it well". (Cadet)
"I've treated this time as a kind of holiday, knowing I don't answer to anyone anymore. Yes I'm an alcoholic, I love my red wine and I'm not anxious for him to come home to me, because I know this 'holiday' has to come to an end."
So, he was concerned about your use of alcohol Westo?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I understand that people here are sceptical as they are only reading our version of our marriages and perception of what is happening.