M, so sorry it didn't go the way you wanted it to. I think nearly all of us have that point after BD where we are thinking "maybe she doesn't want this, and is just waiting for me to make a move towards her so she can say so." Even though we have people telling us here every day that she's a WAS and is DONE for now, we still have those doubts. And sometimes we have to get it out in the open before we well and truly believe it. So it wasn't what you wanted to hear, but now you know and now you have clarity.
I guess some part of me was expecting that she wasn't throwing bread crumbs and that maybe she was changing her tune. I knew she was a WAS but with all the mixed signals I was just too confused. I am really glad that I had this convo with her because now I know for sure and I am not second guessing myself or what she's doing. I can just move on and try and live a DB life. I had a very hard time living in ambiguity.
Quote:
Believe me it gives me little solace being right about that! But hopefully you'll keep in mind something else I always say here that few people believe- that's how she feels right NOW. That can and will change. I'm not saying it'll definitely lead to recon, but it might. She WILL feel differently about you down the road. But you know her feelings for now and they won't change anytime soon, so adjust your approach accordingly.
In some ways I am glad you are right because it really confirms the entire DB philosophy and everything I have read here. It really dispels the myth that somehow your WAS is different than the rest and you don't really have to put DB into practice. I totally understand your comment about this is how she's feeling right NOW. She was so much more touchy feely and physically intimate a month ago, and then an ice cold princess for a few weeks, and now has warmed up, but not changed a bit about the separation business. So, I know she's prone to change and she's not really had a chance to live the separation life because we've seen too much of each other and not lived our lives separately. Now that is going to be in motion and I am out of her equation, so we'll see what happens with that. With the kids schedule from next week, I could easily go months without seeing her in person - I will see if that's how it turns out.
Quote:
Good! No need to give up or lose hope, but you DO need to take a long-term view instead of short term.
I am not giving up hope just yet, but taking in the gift of time. I realistically don't think anything will move for her mentally or emotionally until next June, when the chapter of her uni life closes. I hope to come to a good place by then and in a position of strength to make choices that I want.
In some ways I am glad you are right because it really confirms the entire DB philosophy and everything I have read here. It really dispels the myth that somehow your WAS is different than the rest and you don't really have to put DB into practice.
THIS!
Even though people tell you different, you always think you know best. i.e. that your the special case.
Not true.
We are all unique of course, but unbelievably similar in more ways than people like to admit.
One of your last lines says "Im not giving up yet"
Giving up - suggests your trying and nothing is working.
If your expecting to affect her (i.e. get a positive reaction from her) because of your changes - then your barking up the wrong tree.
This is a life change - hopefully at some point in the future she might want to join you on that journey. If not then so be it.
Sounds really cold and harsh but its the only way.
They need to come back to you under their own steam and when they feel right. months or maybe years or maybe never at all.
When you first met she liked you for you... same thing needs to happen here - but the frightening thing is you CANNOT control that.
A long term relationship just turns up into role playing machines and we lose sight of what brought us together in the first place.
Yes you're right Benni about the 'giving up' language. I think I wrote that as a honest reflection of where I am at.
I think the state of mind that you are describing comes with practicing detachment and getting there in time. And I need to take that journey now that I am basically back at square one.
The nuanced discussion around control and also what you had previously written about the need for validation are really important points in this process of detachment.
I am now going into DB with both feet firmly planted in because I know it is what I need to heal myself. I want to be honest with myself and everyone here where I am at so that it allows me to have failures and successes for myself. I know I can get gung-ho about being the bawss and super strong and all that, and I do feel that at times, but I still have times when I am not doing so great.
So, I want to be true to the process and give myself time and space to make those life changes that will last long term.
So, W and I are starting a kids schedule next week, where basically we won't have any contact with each other - which is good for me for time and space and detachment.
W suggested that we do Sunday dinners together with the kids because this would be a good thing for them. I am not sure about this. I'd rather not have much contact for a while so that I can just focus on myself and detach. I dunno if these weekly dinners will be a good thing. But, if it seems that it would be good for kids, then I can surely set aside my feelings and just do it.
I dunno. If it's a good idea for the kids, maybe do dinners every two weeks? I feel like that would work better for me to have a breather.
The way the schedule is going to be for the kids is this 2-2-5-5 system. One parent has them for 2 days, then next 2 days the other parent, and then five days, and keep alternating. this way kids don't go without seeing each parent for a full calendar week. Also allows both of us to get alternate weekends off.
So, both of us are seeing kids regularly, but just not each other. So, instead of every week, I'd like to propose every 2 weeks. Or should I do weekly?
W suggested that we do Sunday dinners together with the kids because this would be a good thing for them. I am not sure about this. I'd rather not have much contact for a while so that I can just focus on myself and detach. I dunno if these weekly dinners will be a good thing. But, if it seems that it would be good for kids, then I can surely set aside my feelings and just do it.
My DB coach told me to do activities together once per week as a family. We have soccer games on Saturday's so that is what we do. They told me it was only for the kids.
If you cant do dinners, maybe meet up at a park or something. I think it also depends on how your kids are handling it and your overall interactions with your W. My W and I are always cordial around each other and sit next to each other at games so they do see us interacting in a positive way.
If you feel compelled do it for the kids but don't go into with any expectations from your W. Maybe sitting down together at the family dinner table is too uncomfortable for you right now. Maybe you just need to step back for a while and gain control over your own emotions.
Either way I think it is good just remember to put your own needs first and only do what you can handle.
I'd rather not have much contact for a while so that I can just focus on myself and detach.
Maika,
I understand the issue you're facing. I don't have an answer for you, but for what it's worth, I can relay my own experience.
After my wife and I separated, I started feeling a lot better. That was totally unexpected. I was expecting to miss my wife, but with her gone, I no longer had to walk on egg shells; I was able to get things done and make decisions without the fear of her anger and wrath. I soon realized how much of a doormat I'd become and how difficult my wife could be at times. The downside of that is my anger started building. And, I no longer put up with my wife's shenanigans. If she did anything that I felt was disrespectful, I'd quickly let her know. For me, that was very important; I wanted to show her that she couldn't use her anger to control me. Occasionally, things could be very tense.
And that's the issue; I didn't want to expose my sons to that kind of tense environment. I'd attend school and sporting events where my wife was present, but I generally stayed away from her because she's often start pushing my buttons as soon as an opportunity would arise. For better or worse, I never let her get away with that nonsense regardless of the venue (i.e. I didn't care if it was in public).
If you and your wife can remain cordial when the children are around, then weekly or biweekly dinners may work well, but if you can't keep things cordial, then avoidance of those situations is probably better.
I want to be honest with myself and everyone here where I am at so that it allows me to have failures and successes for myself. I know I can get gung-ho about being the bawss and super strong and all that, and I do feel that at times, but I still have times when I am not doing so great.
Once again.. THIS!
You need to hurt, have bad days, feel low, cry, feel rubbish.
The gung ho - "oh im ok I feel super strong" - is all well and good for a sort of 'false' pick me up if you will.. But for me personally,I think trying to avoid the pain or putting on a false (for yourself) isnt productive at all.
Its a horrible experience pal.
I cried, considered not being here anymore, moving abroad, etc. etc.. it was absolutely horrible.. BUT.... things move in phases and things WILL pass, and if it doesn't pass, you will be that used to it by then it will not affect you as much.
Its not going to be pleasant.... but you will come out the other end, just don't keep expecting things to change because you have been doing it for 6 months etc.. you are NOT doing it to impress anyone.
You are alone on a desert island and you need to learn to fend for yourself in everyday possible.
