My Journey with WAS (Part 4)

[Maika]

Thanks Benni. Yeh, this is the core list of things I have been meaning to do for a long time. With IC I realized why I was not being able to accomplish them and it has given me great perspective.

Things I didn't mention in that list, but there are a number of things that I am going to work with IC to improve:

1. Be more assertive and manage conflict head on and productively
2. Become more self-aware of how I am feeling and not putting my needs to prioritize someone else's needs. Always bring my needs to the table to and have a conversation about how to find a balance for both people.
3. Work on being less of a type A personality - the thinking of there are only a few correct ways to do things and other ways are crap - and people who don't do it right are not mature responsible people
4. Not be impulsive and have better emotion control. Also, learn not to intellectualize everything and let myself feel the emotions so as not to bury them to dissect later.

I also need to get over hurt and trauma from my childhood, which has contributed to my behaviours. IC is gonna be good for that.

Geez, M are we like clones or something? This is the exact stuff I am trying to work on

HA HA! I also thought that when you mentioned your GAL stuff especially getting back to writing. Well, looks like we probably fit the profile of a stereotypical LBS.

[Maika]

I took a trip to Nashville in July to see some buddies and would like to go back. Obviously the travel is expensive and now that we are essentially paying two mortgages there is not much extra cash flow around. I thought about taking my D's camping 1 weekend when it got a little cooler and just getting out more in general.

You see I am perfectly fine being along in my house with nothing to do. I really don't need much interaction from anyone. My neighbor invited me over last Sat night to watch some football, drinking, etc. and I declined him. So getting out and socializing or doing activities would be different for me. It all costs money though.

I like the idea of hiking that sounds cool and you can do that free of charge especially if your in a scenic part of the country!

LOL.....bedroom adventures. I guess you need to make sure you look good naked first . The more confident you get the more you will own your castle!!

Yehh the financial aspect is definitely something that makes this difficult. But, gotta find ways to go out and do that once a year or when finances permit.

re: bedroom adventures - oh for sure! I can't wait to get my abs back in the next year. I have some weight to lose, but not too much. So, I know that with my improved diet I will be able to kill two birds with one stone - get my diabetes under control and lose weight. Working out will take care of the abs - already got some definition coming back just from losing some weight. Can't wait to rock the new bod next summer.

[Jmstl]

I took a trip to Nashville in July to see some buddies and would like to go back. Obviously the travel is expensive and now that we are essentially paying two mortgages there is not much extra cash flow around. I thought about taking my D's camping 1 weekend when it got a little cooler and just getting out more in general.

You see I am perfectly fine being along in my house with nothing to do. I really don't need much interaction from anyone. My neighbor invited me over last Sat night to watch some football, drinking, etc. and I declined him. So getting out and socializing or doing activities would be different for me. It all costs money though.

I like the idea of hiking that sounds cool and you can do that free of charge especially if your in a scenic part of the country!

LOL.....bedroom adventures. I guess you need to make sure you look good naked first . The more confident you get the more you will own your castle!!

Yehh the financial aspect is definitely something that makes this difficult. But, gotta find ways to go out and do that once a year or when finances permit.

re: bedroom adventures - oh for sure! I can't wait to get my abs back in the next year. I have some weight to lose, but not too much. So, I know that with my improved diet I will be able to kill two birds with one stone - get my diabetes under control and lose weight. Working out will take care of the abs - already got some definition coming back just from losing some weight. Can't wait to rock the new bod next summer.

One thing I will say, re: bedroom adventures. You don't have to look good naked, you just have to look /confident/ naked.

Your sex appeal is going to be determined much more by how you /act/ and not how you /look/

[Maika]

I took a trip to Nashville in July to see some buddies and would like to go back. Obviously the travel is expensive and now that we are essentially paying two mortgages there is not much extra cash flow around. I thought about taking my D's camping 1 weekend when it got a little cooler and just getting out more in general.

You see I am perfectly fine being along in my house with nothing to do. I really don't need much interaction from anyone. My neighbor invited me over last Sat night to watch some football, drinking, etc. and I declined him. So getting out and socializing or doing activities would be different for me. It all costs money though.

I like the idea of hiking that sounds cool and you can do that free of charge especially if your in a scenic part of the country!

LOL.....bedroom adventures. I guess you need to make sure you look good naked first . The more confident you get the more you will own your castle!!

Yehh the financial aspect is definitely something that makes this difficult. But, gotta find ways to go out and do that once a year or when finances permit.

re: bedroom adventures - oh for sure! I can't wait to get my abs back in the next year. I have some weight to lose, but not too much. So, I know that with my improved diet I will be able to kill two birds with one stone - get my diabetes under control and lose weight. Working out will take care of the abs - already got some definition coming back just from losing some weight. Can't wait to rock the new bod next summer.

One thing I will say, re: bedroom adventures. You don't have to look good naked, you just have to look /confident/ naked.

Your sex appeal is going to be determined much more by how you /act/ and not how you /look/

For sure - self confidence is a huge part of it. No doubt.

Forgot to mention, I am getting the big V next month. W and I weren't planning on having any more kids and I definitely don't want more kids, so time to wrap it up. Been wanting to do it for a long time, but I just had my consult last week and booked the appointment for next month.

[Jmstl]

Good on you.

I am the same way. In fact I had a consult scheduled, but cancelled it after BD, so I could focus on other things. I need to get it scheduled again.

I am trying really hard not to focus on my physical needs, because all it does is make me think of W focusing on hers, and that makes me want to vomit.

[Maika]

I get that. You'll have to start focusing on your physical needs without attaching the same thoughts to your W. I know it's a process.

Yeah, I just had a wave of thought about W going out on dates and sleeping around, and it brought up sadness and anger, but I let myself feel it. Started reframing my thoughts to my goals and what I want - which helped ease out the emotions.

I know I am going to be feeling like this for a while, but I am not letting my emotions go without acknowledging how I am feeling and how to cope with them productively. This is part of emotional management and equilibrium that I want to reach.

I hope your IC is coming up soon because these are things they can help with.

[AnotherStander]

So, I did the anti-DB thing and laid it all out from my perspective - I don't want the S; I respect her for wanting it; I want to work on MR; I still love her and am in love with her; I am working on myself and improving things; S for me meant that she wanted time and space but I was getting mixed messages from her; etc etc. Just laid it all out - I just wanted it to be out in the open all clear for once.

Some of her responses:

"For me, this separation is permanent"

M, so sorry it didn't go the way you wanted it to. I think nearly all of us have that point after BD where we are thinking "maybe she doesn't want this, and is just waiting for me to make a move towards her so she can say so." Even though we have people telling us here every day that she's a WAS and is DONE for now, we still have those doubts. And sometimes we have to get it out in the open before we well and truly believe it. So it wasn't what you wanted to hear, but now you know and now you have clarity.

But AS - you were right. Now that it is out in the open that this is truly a WAS situation and everything was bread crumbs, I can move on and live my life and DB.

Believe me it gives me little solace being right about that! But hopefully you'll keep in mind something else I always say here that few people believe- that's how she feels right NOW. That can and will change. I'm not saying it'll definitely lead to recon, but it might. She WILL feel differently about you down the road. But you know her feelings for now and they won't change anytime soon, so adjust your approach accordingly.

I don't know if DB will save the MR, but it is the clearest road map for me to save myself.

So, I am basically going dark and NC, unless it's about the kids, and improving myself, GAL, detach, and DTR. I have basically nothing to lose at this point and everything to gain.

Well said! I wholeheartedly agree.

If she's ever ready to come back, we'll see where I am at. I feel so liberated and clear right now. I can focus on myself now completely.

Good! No need to give up or lose hope, but you DO need to take a long-term view instead of short term.

[Jmstl]

I get that. You'll have to start focusing on your physical needs without attaching the same thoughts to your W. I know it's a process.

Yeah, I just had a wave of thought about W going out on dates and sleeping around, and it brought up sadness and anger, but I let myself feel it. Started reframing my thoughts to my goals and what I want - which helped ease out the emotions.

I know I am going to be feeling like this for a while, but I am not letting my emotions go without acknowledging how I am feeling and how to cope with them productively. This is part of emotional management and equilibrium that I want to reach.

I hope your IC is coming up soon because these are things they can help with.

Saturday. I am really looking forward to it.

[AnotherStander]

Last night I even took a leak off the patio and I also didn't wash the dishes

I take a leak of the patio and in the Back yard all the time. It's my patio and backyard.

Hahaha! That's the attitude. Our W's left us, we can pity ourselves or we can say "to hell with it, I'm going to make the most of it." At first I was so lonely in that big empty bed. Now I love stretching out and rolling around all night without worrying about hitting someone. The covers are ALL MINE too. I get in the shower and suddenly realize I need to pee, well screw it, it's my house and my shower, I'll pee in the shower! All the drains go to the same place anyway, LOL! My W hated it when I worked on projects on the dining table. Now? It's a permanent workstation, I eat in the living room while watching movies on the flat screen with the surround sound blasting (she hated that!) Get all the girly stuff out of your house and make it one big man cave. My formal dining room is my son's video game lair. One of the bedrooms is now my studio and display area for my toy collection (well, it's not quite finished but is underway). My W loved green and painted our whole bedroom in 3 different shades. Now it's two shades of soothing grey. Anyway you get the point. None of us wanted our W's to leave. But they did. So now it's time to embrace our hairy-chested manly man-ness, so get to it

[Jmstl]

Last night I even took a leak off the patio and I also didn't wash the dishes

I take a leak of the patio and in the Back yard all the time. It's my patio and backyard.

Hahaha! That's the attitude. Our W's left us, we can pity ourselves or we can say "to hell with it, I'm going to make the most of it." At first I was so lonely in that big empty bed. Now I love stretching out and rolling around all night without worrying about hitting someone. The covers are ALL MINE too. I get in the shower and suddenly realize I need to pee, well screw it, it's my house and my shower, I'll pee in the shower! All the drains go to the same place anyway, LOL! My W hated it when I worked on projects on the dining table. Now? It's a permanent workstation, I eat in the living room while watching movies on the flat screen with the surround sound blasting (she hated that!) Get all the girly stuff out of your house and make it one big man cave. My formal dining room is my son's video game lair. One of the bedrooms is now my studio and display area for my toy collection (well, it's not quite finished but is underway). My W loved green and painted our whole bedroom in 3 different shades. Now it's two shades of soothing grey. Anyway you get the point. None of us wanted our W's to leave. But they did. So now it's time to embrace our hairy-chested manly man-ness, so get to it

I can smoke inside (although really I shouldn't and should just quit but w/e)
I can blog from the bed with my chromebook
I can play PS4 from my bed.
I can kick it down to 64 degrees.
I can cook spicey food.
I can walk around the house completely nude (obv not when the kids are there though)
I can hang 'Be the lighthouse' in a place I can see it often.

So many things that we can do now.