Thanks Benni. Yeh, this is the core list of things I have been meaning to do for a long time. With IC I realized why I was not being able to accomplish them and it has given me great perspective.
Things I didn't mention in that list, but there are a number of things that I am going to work with IC to improve:
1. Be more assertive and manage conflict head on and productively 2. Become more self-aware of how I am feeling and not putting my needs to prioritize someone else's needs. Always bring my needs to the table to and have a conversation about how to find a balance for both people. 3. Work on being less of a type A personality - the thinking of there are only a few correct ways to do things and other ways are crap - and people who don't do it right are not mature responsible people 4. Not be impulsive and have better emotion control. Also, learn not to intellectualize everything and let myself feel the emotions so as not to bury them to dissect later.
I also need to get over hurt and trauma from my childhood, which has contributed to my behaviours. IC is gonna be good for that.
If she's not into why would she give a $hit? Doesn't make sense
Exactly! So, that's why I don't believe everything she's saying because her actions are speaking otherwise.
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It may not be serious but she at minimum has met guys out for coffee, etc or maybe even a few dates. In some ways I think my W is doing the same thing. Nothing serious but I bet she met someone out, etc.
In the back of mind I always new that was and needed to happen for her to realize at some point the grass is not any greener
Oh for sure! I definitely know of at least one coffee date she went on a couple of months back. I don't think it was the only one. Good luck with that for her basically. I can truly work on letting it go now that she has said all the other things.
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I am glad you got clarity as painful as it might of been. Maybe she was trying to be nice but she certainly was not helping you by dragging this situation along. I think you were stuck in a loop that you couldn't let go so confronting her and having the conversation was your only option.
Yeh, I felt like I really had no option at this point. And after reading AS's advice, I knew that it was the right thing to do even if it was anti-DB. I have the green light now to go on and DB and live my life - I didn't feel that way two days ago. I feel a lot more calm now.
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Yes, you need to go back to square one and take care of yourself and not worry about her. It took me about 1.5 months to feel better and really over the last 3 weeks (so almost 3 months) to really feel better.
Yeah. back to square one, but better informed and not an emotional mess. hehe. I am so effin' looking forward to having my place now. It will be a huge burden off my shoulders.
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Do you guys have your finances separated?
Not yet. We were doing things joint because of the matrimonial home. I wasn't worried about her draining the accts or doing dumb stuff with money - and she hasn't. So, I am separating everything at the end of this month - bank accts, car insurance, phone bills, etc.
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I will say it is hard to GAL when you have an 8 yr old and a 6 yr old 50% of the time
True, and that's why I am getting a home gym done. That is one GAL activity I can't compromise. I am also going to enrol kids in a climbing camp for the semester and so we can go climb together and I don't have to miss out on it when they're with me. So, keeping GAL activities fluid week by week and doing different things will keep it interesting and more fun.
Not yet. We were doing things joint because of the matrimonial home. I wasn't worried about her draining the accts or doing dumb stuff with money - and she hasn't. So, I am separating everything at the end of this month - bank accts, car insurance, phone bills, etc.
I felt this part was very tricky. I was not DBing when my W first moved out so I was kind of shooting from the hip. She wanted to move out and has her own job but was not able to afford to move out and pay 50% of the bills. Since I make more than double what she makes we divided up the bills since I control our finances and put each of us on a budget. It is by no means 50/50 but she is paying 100% of everything that is associated with her new place and cell bill.
When she moved out I asked her for our checkbook and credit cards which is gave up with no issues. Once she opened up her own checking account and had her check re-directed to be auto deposited in her new account I took her name off of our joint account.
I am not saying what I did is correct because I may have handled a few things differently looking back. IMO it is a fine line between making them feel the pain, etc but also not giving them the impression you are being vindictive etc. especially at the time I had no confirmation of their being another man.
I also know she has been stretched really thin on money, has already maxed out her credit card she opened and has asked me for additional money on 2 different occasions. She is not used to managing money since I did it all and has also commented to me that she has cancelled her alarm system for her apartment and can no longer afford to get her eyelashes done
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True, and that's why I am getting a home gym done. That is one GAL activity I can't compromise. I am also going to enrol kids in a climbing camp for the semester and so we can go climb together and I don't have to miss out on it when they're with me. So, keeping GAL activities fluid week by week and doing different things will keep it interesting and more fun.
I here ya I took them to the gym with me after work last night and then went to get snow cones . Between their soccer practices on Mon/Thurs and two games on Sat, then church on Sunday's it gets really difficult. On the weeks I don't have them I still go to their practices because if I don't I won't see them the entire week and the games and church continue. I may have to back off of something just to get a little more free time to myself.
She can no longer afford to get her lashes done...LOL!!!! That's just funny to me. And she is actually complaining abiut it to you as if she expects you to take care of it.
She never lets me know how bad she is struggling. She gives off this tough exterior but last week she overdrawn her checking account by $230 and does not get paid again until 9/20. She has also maxed out her CC so she sent me a text asking for money and said she also reached out to her dad.
When we did kid exchange I asked her what would prevent this from happening again, she commented that she new what needed to happen going forward. She almost started to cry, held it in and walked away, she didn't want to talk about it any more. She said it was very hard to ask me for money and she was embarrassed. That is when she made the comment about the alarm system and lashes.
I didn't rake her over the coals or put the screw to her. I got the impression she was hurting and it took everything in her power to ask me.
It just goes to show you how bad they might be hurting on the inside but would never show it to the LBS.
Yeah she's definitely hurting and they never show how bad it is to the LBS. Well, I am glad she said she has a plan to figure it out so it won't happen moving forward J. This is the reality of the separation and they have to start figuring their responsibilities out.
My W makes more money than me, but I am way more financially prudent and the planner and the budgeter. It's not like she can't figure it out, but it isn't her strong suit. So, now she has to do it all by herself. And she has major loan payments kicking in next year and we'll see how she does.
I need to find a better paying job next year by the summer - either I get a great raise where I am at or I will find something else.
Sounds like an awesome goal! I need to work on these as well and I think a lot of it has to do with confidence.
1. Be more assertive and manage conflict head on and productively 2. Become more self-aware of how I am feeling and not putting my needs to prioritize someone else's needs. Always bring my needs to the table to and have a conversation about how to find a balance for both people.
I also would like to be a little more adventurous and do some things out of the norm. I feel as though I am doing a good job with my health, working out , personal appearance, etc.
Yeah, the adventurous part has to come out at some point. I want to nail down some of my primary goals first and then go on to the adventurous piece.
Weren't you saying J that you were interested in travelling? Maybe I read it on someone else's sitch, dunno.
I definitely love travelling and would like to do some of that in the coming years. I am planning on going back to my home town where I grew up and spend time with fam early next year (I moved to N.America a while back).
With the climbing, I would really love to get to a place where I can do it outdoors and even tackle some mountains - I know it sounds crazy right now, but it would be amazing if I could get there. I love being in mountain ranges and spending time taking in how breathtaking our natural world is.
Oh! Bedroom adventures are on the list too, but not any time soon
Thanks Benni. Yeh, this is the core list of things I have been meaning to do for a long time. With IC I realized why I was not being able to accomplish them and it has given me great perspective.
Things I didn't mention in that list, but there are a number of things that I am going to work with IC to improve:
1. Be more assertive and manage conflict head on and productively 2. Become more self-aware of how I am feeling and not putting my needs to prioritize someone else's needs. Always bring my needs to the table to and have a conversation about how to find a balance for both people. 3. Work on being less of a type A personality - the thinking of there are only a few correct ways to do things and other ways are crap - and people who don't do it right are not mature responsible people 4. Not be impulsive and have better emotion control. Also, learn not to intellectualize everything and let myself feel the emotions so as not to bury them to dissect later.
I also need to get over hurt and trauma from my childhood, which has contributed to my behaviours. IC is gonna be good for that.
Geez, M are we like clones or something? This is the exact stuff I am trying to work on
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
I took a trip to Nashville in July to see some buddies and would like to go back. Obviously the travel is expensive and now that we are essentially paying two mortgages there is not much extra cash flow around. I thought about taking my D's camping 1 weekend when it got a little cooler and just getting out more in general.
You see I am perfectly fine being along in my house with nothing to do. I really don't need much interaction from anyone. My neighbor invited me over last Sat night to watch some football, drinking, etc. and I declined him. So getting out and socializing or doing activities would be different for me. It all costs money though.
I like the idea of hiking that sounds cool and you can do that free of charge especially if your in a scenic part of the country!
LOL.....bedroom adventures. I guess you need to make sure you look good naked first . The more confident you get the more you will own your castle!!
