I am feeling better because I got clarity as to where her mindset is at right NOW. It was against DB, but as AS said, one conversation isn't going to be the nail in the coffin. I had prepared myself for various things from her and I talked to her in a very calm, chill, and positive way - I didn't want to be a crying mess and didn't beg and plead. I validated her feelings at every chance I got and didn't argue with her.
Some of the things that she said to me, I could've put it back in her face as well but I didn't. I just wanted to listen to her after I finished speaking. The only time I pushed her was when I asked her about if she was seeing someone.
I definitely don't believe a lot of the stuff she said, but I can see where she's coming from. DB allowed me to be a lot more put together and prepared from how I spoke and how to take in what she said.
Now it's just time. I haven't lost hope at all, but I know that DBing is going to be the best chance to save myself and possibly the MR. She's got a lot of issues she needs to deal with: huge anxiety issues (since before we got married); low self-esteem and self-worth; huge body image issues; identity issues about who she is and where her values are (she left her religion few years back and has never been able to get over it); and sexual issues.
She hasn't planned on seeing an IC, but if she doesn't, these issues won't just magically resolve by themselves or her just trying to will them away. She needs help.
She completes her intense uni program next June - that's a good timeline for me. I don't think she'll even get to a place of what she wants until much after that. Right now she's also on an emotional high from the program and I am sure that whoever she's into, is either in that program or someone from her work.
I read your thread and I'll write there in a bit. I am feeling at peace only for the fact that I can now just focus on myself and know that DBing isn't hurting my chances for a future recon.
The feeling of it being final. i.e. Where you are starting to believe it is over - is the true beginning of this process.
Thanks Benito. That's exactly where I am at right now and it is giving me some sense of liberation and peace, because now I can absolutely only focus on myself and my needs without worrying what W might think or perceive. Make genuine changes for myself.
Everything you said in your post is on point and awesome. The serious changes that I want to make will take some time on my part, so I don't expect her to notice them for a while. Also, the way our schedules work from next week, we will probably only see each other maybe once a week for a little bit.
I am relieved because I don't have to worry about texts, emails, reciprocating things right now, and having to deal with anything about the MR. The kids stuff is pretty straightforward and her and I are on the same page with it. We will have some kinks in the road, but they can be easily resolved.
I am still hurt, but I know what I saw from her actions in the past 2 months, and she was definitely still into me even if she didn't want to admit it or say it. So, I know that when she said she's done, she's in her WAS mindset and it is her reality right now. We don't know where she will be in six months or a year. I don't where I will be in that time either, but I have immense clarity now and the solid green light to focus on myself completely.
After you had that F@$! me this real moment, how did you handle the finances with your spouse.
Did you take off your ring?
Did you have to drop the D papers?
To be honest I can not afford the property on my own.
So from that respect I had 3 options:
1. Get a better Job so that I could afford to take it on myself. 2. Let her buy me out of my share and get a smaller place of my own. 3. Realise that the mortgage Is 50/50 (so I cant be forced out), concentrate on me and let her drive the whole process and don’t worry about money, moving house until I have to.
Ultimately I did option 1 and option 3. From a completely none emotional state of mind, I looked at myself and wrote down the facts. On my own I was worth x amount. I needed more. So I applied for more jobs. While applying and going to gym after work, playing football/soccer etc.. In my spare time and just acting like I was on holiday. Not looking at my phone and just doing what ever the hell I wanted to do.
Before long, 1 month had turned into 2, 2 into 4 and so on..
You then find yourself in a stronger mindset than before and used to not checking your phone and doing all the relationship stuff that is so good to get away from when your single.
With leaving everything to the W to sort out, they have to REALLY embody each process, i.e. calling the solicitors, arranging viewings, fixing the car, etc.. And the reality of the situation starts to dawn on them. This situation is going to cause a massive change and you aren't there to help them.
When they would normally turn to you and you arent there to help.. Its another dose of reality. Pressure starts to mount.
When your paths do eventually cross again…. They see this person in front of them. (i.e. you) All of a sudden, you look a bit slimmer, that frown is now a content smile, you have stories to tell (if asked) about what weekend you went on, or movie you watched without them etc..
They want to know more.. But you don’t buckle to ask for recon and you carry on as normal.
Over time the tide starts to turn but its key you don’t see a ray of positive light and jump on it, because if its real, they will give you another ray, it doesn’t mean you need to take it.
When you don’t… There is a real possibility from their point of view that (shock horror) you might me able to be happy without them.. Now THEY start to think.. And the 'game' has changed. You start to hold a few more cards.
This is great information. I was worrying about the finances. My wife doesnt work, but she pays the bills and divides the money up. I was thinking about taking back the role. I dont know how important that is to DBing.
Did you have to drop the D papers?
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Just jotting down some personal goals that I want to achieve in the next 10 months. I am phasing them in slowly, and have a game plan that IC is helping me with.
1. Get good sleep - 7 hours a night 2. Workout 3 times a week 3. Climb 2 times a week at least 4. Write 2-3 times a week and be consistent 5. Read books - I have a huge backlog of books sitting already 6. Get my diabetes under control - I have really crappy genes that have contributed to this, but I am working to get it under control 7. Eat better as part of my diabetes management strategy 8. Make some new friends.
All of this is just for ME. I want to add some more things to this list, but I will focus on getting this down first because these are my priorities right now.
This is great information. I was worrying about the finances. My wife doesnt work, but she pays the bills and divides the money up. I was thinking about taking back the role. I dont know how important that is to DBing.
Did you have to drop the D papers?
I took my ring off roughly 2 months after she left. Its 6 months now.
I did not drop anything in regards to D papers.
She is the one that wanted to leave. She can do it.
Like I said, she wanted all this.. So let her drive it. In the meantime I will live the life I always wanted to stress free.
Just jotting down some personal goals that I want to achieve in the next 10 months. I am phasing them in slowly, and have a game plan that IC is helping me with.
1. Get good sleep - 7 hours a night 2. Workout 3 times a week 3. Climb 2 times a week at least 4. Write 2-3 times a week and be consistent 5. Read books - I have a huge backlog of books sitting already 6. Get my diabetes under control - I have really crappy genes that have contributed to this, but I am working to get it under control 7. Eat better as part of my diabetes management strategy 8. Make some new friends.
All of this is just for ME. I want to add some more things to this list, but I will focus on getting this down first because these are my priorities right now.
Good.
Make sure they are things you actually want to do rather than things that sound good.
If you struggle with the list then you need to identify if it actually something you want to do or if your just being a bit lazy.
Man, I step away for a night and M brings the heat! Never again!!
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W came for dinner and thought I was fooling around with other women and said to me - "if you're messing around don't text me or ask me to come for dinners". I had asked her to come for dinner as a way of reciprocation - side note.
If she's not into why would she give a $hit? Doesn't make sense.
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"I am not seeing anybody" - this is the part that was kinda effed up. I asked her point blank if she was seeing someone. First she said she wasn't going to answer that. I said, what the hell does it matter now. Then she says she's not seeing anybody - I don't believe her for a second about that right now - but I don't have evidence so I let it go.
It may not be serious but she at minimum has met guys out for coffee, etc or maybe even a few dates. In some ways I think my W is doing the same thing. Nothing serious but I bet she met someone out, etc.
In the back of mind I always new that was and needed to happen for her to realize at some point the grass is not any greener.
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But AS - you were right. Now that it is out in the open that this is truly a WAS situation and everything was bread crumbs, I can move on and live my life and DB.
I am glad you got clarity as painful as it might of been. Maybe she was trying to be nice but she certainly was not helping you by dragging this situation along. I think you were stuck in a loop that you couldn't let go so confronting her and having the conversation was your only option.
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So, I am basically going dark and NC, unless it's about the kids, and improving myself, GAL, detach, and DTR. I have basically nothing to lose at this point and everything to gain.
Yes, you need to go back to square one and take care of yourself and not worry about her. It took me about 1.5 months to feel better and really over the last 3 weeks (so almost 3 months) to really feel better.
Just do you and things you enjoy.
I will say it is hard to GAL when you have an 8 yr old and a 6 yr old 50% of the time
