MLC or WAS... either way, I'm here

[peacetoday]

Hi

I remember getting served and it is very emotional and everything is happening so fast
but after the D was over it was a relief


But remember,its just a piece of paper..some R get restored after D

I always played the crises down with my kids..I gave them facts if they asked
Told them sometimes people go thru crises at this age..Not their fault
can't be changed
I never spoke any bad words against xh to this day-
we prayed for him

I let them know we continue on ..I am always here
Now they rarely to never mention him
They are really ok-
they follow our cue..
they need to know we are OK and we got this and we are here for them

Now the latest new Ive heard through the grapevine is my XH is D
I say this to let you know affairs rarely last forever
and the percentage of it lasting is low

Hang in there
You are strong and will be ok
Peace

[LAJar]

Coly & peace, I ended up spending the weekend at my parents' house. After the way I felt at seeing H retained a L, I don't know, it just really had an effect on me. While I got dressed on Friday, I pulled together a bag of clothes to stay over. They thought I was just coming for dinner! I know my parents are happy to have me, but I know they are somewhat freaked out by my emotions. Mom keeps saying, "I haven't seen you cry so much." They are extremely empathetic, but it's true. I have never cried this much, at the drop of a hat, in my life.

Coly- What a complete letdown for our kids. You think you've found a solid man who is happy to be a part of their life and then just the complete opposite. S is just completely angry, because there is absolutely no contact at all. It's so ironic that H's major issues come from him feeling like he had no relationship w/ FIL. Thanks for doing the same to my kid and worse, actually abandoning him.

I agree about finances. I do believe that made it easier for them to leave. When we bought the house, we planned on merging them more. I guess not doing that will help in the D. Re. the mortgage, "sword of Damocles hanging over me", so perfectly describes it. It is a horrible feeling, but I just can't afford it with all of the other bills I'm carrying and isn't what we agreed on. I, like you, need to start making some decisions to put some control in my hands. I think that will make me feel better and like I'm moving forward a bit more. Him retaining a L isn't retalitation, because he was badgering me to do so. I think he thinks I'm dragging my heels and he wants this so bad for his new life, he's taking the next step. Him moving this quickly, is what is really so hurtful. He has to prove to OW, our marriage was "over a long time ago" and this is next logical step. In reality, if he was going to file, he should have hired a L from the start, instead of just using an inept paralegal. Keep in mind, after 2.5 months since filing, I still haven't been served. But yes, nonetheless petty, since he said he wanted to keep this civil. Since your H hasn't filed, do you think there will ever come a time that you will? It's so odd your H won't communicate with you but will respond if reach out and not just respond but interact in person.

I really do have to think about my controlling nature. I know in some aspects he was right, but in others it was either exaggerated or worked in his favor. I.e. - we took someone to small claims, home purchase, vacation plans, I handled 99% of the process and he was fine. You can't have it both ways. If I would offer to handle the D process, he'd be more than happy to let me do all of the work! I allowed this to spill over to other areas and there were no real boundaries. At times controlling ways, came off as criticisms.

peace - Why is it that getting that piece of paper or just the thought of it conjures up such emotion? The anxiety is insane. TODAY, I don't even know if it matters that the D is just a piece of paper. I know I don't have to tell anyone who has been here even a week longer than me the cycle of emotions. I have so much anger, anxiety, sadness that I'm not sure I would even want to reconcile, if that ever became an option. Ask me in a couple of weeks, I might have another thought.

I have really tried not to disparage H and just tell the facts. The facts at this point aren't great and S sees that for himself. Although, I do believe if a miracle happened and H wanted to reconcile, S would give him a chance. He told me he believes in 2nd chances. S is just really angry and hurt with him. I hate that for him and feel guilty for putting another man in his life to disappoint him. S has been such a protector of me and has told me how I've been a great mom to him. Made my heart sing! He knows I'm a basketcase right now, but will be fine ultimately. I think it's ok for him to know both of these sides as long as I end with resilience. I'm glad your kids are ok. No doubt it's the example that's set that will allowed that to happen. It's their loss not having these great kids in their life.

What a turn of events that your XH is now D! How did that make you feel hearing about your XH's D? I would have such mixed feelings. I know the affair will likely not last, I just wish they'd realize the damage is so not worth the temporary feeling. I try to tell myself it will end soon enough, but one thing keeps popping in my head. We didn't have kids and was something we spoke about. After MIL passed, he said he didn't want any because he didn't want any kids to feel the way he did, if he should pass away at a young age (he thought that might be a chance). Believe me, I discussed this w/ him many times as I started to get older. People would also ask us about kids and it even made him cry a couple of times. I had to make sure this was what he really wanted and told people to stop asking. Thought it was best given his emotions. When he left, he threw it in my face. He said my controlling nature was the reason we never had kids. Huh? He never said that prior. Now, given how fast he's moving into this R, I can see him getting her PG. Talk about a mindf$ck.

Coly & peace, thank you for taking the time to comment. Your words and thoughts bring so much comfort. I am working on being a stronger me. Here's to a better day for tomorrow.

[peacetoday]

Hi

The MLCer says a lot of things
they say believe none of what you hear and half of what you see
The "control" issue seems to come up in every story you read about MLC
they feel controlled-Maybe some of us(myself included can look at this issue and resolve it in ourselves)but I don't not think that is the reason they leave

My xh OW (now XW) was way more controlling than I ever was
she would not let him talk to his old friends ..I know this because his best friend told me she texted him telling him to leave XH alone-
I guess best friend was trying to help XH get sober again-
he said OW was nuts-his words-

They usually affair down and pick need and controlling, or drug addicted partners
mine also followed this

I have little emotion regarding XH new divorce-It doesn't matter to me
If he can find help for himself and return to be available for his children, that would be awesome
if not --I wish him the best and I have no need for any further connection to him
I said nothing about this to the kids-they really have no R to him and don't need to know or get their hopes up
After watching his choices--I really have little faith in my X to follow through anyway

I know it is hard and I hear your pain--I understand what it feels like to go through it

You are doing all the right things
once you get past the emotions and grief,,you will find yourself new and again
make a new life and have another R if you choose-
I see it over and over again

Take care of yourself
try to make a new friend and have one fun night-like a movie or dinner
you will get to the other sidemen day at a. time

[LAJar]

Hi peace,

It's difficult to take in all of the reasons/excuses for why they've left and try to work on yourself if you don't know how legitimate their gripes are. Like many MLCers, my H gave me a laundry list of reasons why I made him miserable - from me hating his friends and where we live to me controlling him. I am doing my best to acknowledge issues that might be true, but sometimes second guess it. If it's typical for MLCers to bring up control issues, I think it has more to do with how they perceive the controlling behaviors make them feel. Maybe emasculated or just resentful that someone is telling them how they should be? I know for us, my H said some of the control revolved around the house. I'm more methodical and sometimes take a while to make decisions. I wanted to think about how we decorated or made changes to the home. H acted more on feeling, if he liked it, buy it and put it up. I always had to think about it. He hated that and felt like I didn't "allow" him to move forward. In reality, I would want to discuss, but I would not have stopped him and how could I if he was using his own $. When we moved, I "controlled" the $ for the renovations because it came from my retirement. We discussed how we would spend, but if something came up, he'd want to divert and spend on that project instead. I was really willing to compromise, but he wasn't interested. He felt like we should just do whatever came up. I thought we were communicating and making an agreement to avoid an issue. He felt like it was me being controlling. I can understand him feeling that way, but also feel like he doesn't see the other side of it nor did he want to discuss if he didn't agree and was unhappy about it.

As I write, I guess this is me processing some of our issues and my resentment as well. Since he left, I've started to understand his mishandling of his finances. With no dependents or write-offs, he always owed at the end of the year on taxes. Nothing wrong with that, but why not put more $ away so you owe less or make monthly payments to pay off the debt? I did that. He didn't do that and why was that? Because if he did, his take home pay would be even less because he was too busy paying off the multiple loans he'd taken from his retirment. What did he do with the $ from those loans? Absolutely no clue. I suspect maybe one loan was to pay off tax debt, but I'm not sure. I will say he was responsible with day to day bills. Not always on time, but paid them. Let me say I wasn't always the most responsible in terms of finances. Because of a layoff, I had a lot of cc debt coming into the marriage that I worked really hard at paying off. I learned my lesson. Maybe that loss of control was also partially within himself.

For obvious reasons, I think H is affairing down. A very easy Google search pulled up OWs part-time salary (less than 1/2 what I make & a 1/3 of H's) since she works for a public school. I know he's so enthralled with other attributes, but the idea he's picking someone less stable is crazy. At our age for a single mother, a p/t job is a luxury. I'm sure she thinks she scored.

For you, I can only imagine you look at your xH's choice and just shake your head. It makes absolutely no sense. As if you were so horrible?! And to disregard your marriage vows for someone who's "nuts". I just don't get it. I applaud you for getting to the place where it no longer matters. After the years pass by, it has to be that way. I just shake my head at the thought that one of the people that gave your kids life would have no need to inform your kids of what's happening in his life or connect at all. They are lucky to have at least one sane parent to protect them.

Believe me, peace, I am trying to do the right things... whatever that may be. It's amazing to see and experience my swinging emotions. Today I feel ok. I saw IC this morning and cried quite a bit, which was somewhat surprising because this week had been better than last. I guess given the topics, not really surprising. I've paid the retainer for a L and am moving forward through that process, but am still waiting to be served. I'm confused by this since I received mail service that he's retained a L. Seems like he's putting the cart before the horse? The next two weeks will be quite busy for me, which I welcome. I've signed up for a training for next weekend that I hope to parlay into a side business. That I'm really excited about - potential extra income, distraction, meet new people. I can only see it as a positive. S's bday and my bday, so he's coming home in two weeks. My girlfriends will be taking me out then to celebrate too. With the good always comes the bad - sad to not be spending my & S's bday w/ H. But not within my control is what I keep telling myself.

I had a chance to go back and read a bit of your thread from years ago. I hope to at some point reconcile my feelings and move on as you have. I thank you for taking the time to read and provide thoughtful commentary.

I hope you have a great weekend:)

[peacetoday]

Hi

I think it all part of the process to try to understand what we did..how much of this was our fault ect
I read somewhere that MLC is caused by unresolved childhood issues
Because as we read threads here and see our H go through it
rarely do we see a MLCer leave a M and family and go on to create a new and wonderful life
Usually they loose jobs, breeze through partners, lose most contact with kids and family of origin...become addicted and rack up debt

This shows people in great crises most of them leave stable environments
but few of them seem stable especially as time goes on

this would prove the crises has more to do with them than with the issues of the M
because after D and the controlling wife is gone..they go downhill
the crises is in them

Have a good weekend also!

[LAJar]

My H would definitely fall in the category of unresolved childhood issues. I understand this but still doesn't make it any easier to see how he is destroying my life. I know I will pick myself up and come out on the other side, but the effect of these hurtful decisions is unbelievable. I will pack up again and sell a house we've been in less than a year, put money out for a L that I so desperately could use for something else, live life again at this time lonely and as a single person, all the while he is probably in love and "loving" life. Maybe only temporarily, but maybe not. I keep thinking he should never have gotten married if this is the way he was going to treat the R and me. I have little sympathy for someone who has had issues growing up and continues to compound them by destroying a stable life with poor life choices. My H was so emotional for the lack of R with father and feelings of abandonment and now the shoe is on the other foot and he is doing the same to my son. I don't need him to put those same hang-ups on my son and think it's justified because he no longer wants to be with me.

Clearly I am at a point of anger in my process. I hate the ups and downs I am experiencing. I just wish this was all done and I could move on like he never existed, if I have to move on without him. Seeing H in an EA/PA is so painful and why I'd just like to have him out of my life. I don't see it ending in any time I think is acceptable for me to stand. Just where I am today... let's see what tomorrow brings?

[peacetoday]

Standing is a good thing

Usually the LBS has no where to go anyway
except through he pain and grief so standing is an excellent choice
It helps us stabilize, watch the actions of our H while at the same time plow through crazy pain and start over

One day the pain subsides..Its over and we are done-
sometimes the MLCer does turn around but usually it takes time

Lois ( a poster here) recently had her MLCer wanting to return
after many years

They seem to need to go through their choices (replay and fun, OW, spending, drugs, alcohol,trips, new cars toys and clothes, tattoos )
to see it doesn't work and when you think about it
How can it work?
The temporary highs and the lows are extreme because when you think another R can Fix you or help you find yourself you are in trouble-

Its just an addiction and New R will cover the pain for only so long.
they usually can't last and rarely do but it takes them lots of years to figure it all out
and yes they leave our lives a mess at first but that only lasts so long also
Most LBS do create better lives and you will read this over and over as well-

Keep working on yourself
You will know more later

[LAJar]

You are right - I don't have anywhere to go at this point. I would still be open if H tried to come back and reconcile. However, with the speed he is moving to D and zero contact (absolutely zero), it doesn't seem that's likely going to happen. I don't think my situation is so unique, but I haven't read any other postings with that same combo. I will find Lois' posts.

I can see the man I once knew possibly realizing the damage he has done and coming back. However, this new person who has no regard for me, S or family with his poor life choices - not a chance. He's "only" 3 or so months into A, so it is all still too new and wonderful.

I completely agree with you and it's something I have been thinking about quite a bit. The idea that H has been going through all of these life issues, let's say even just our issues, the fact that he's using this new R as a band-aid is ridiculous. If I was looking at a new R partner, he is not the type of man I would jump at. After all of this no return to IC for him. I would think if he was so miserable, he'd jump at it since that's something he's done before and at the time, realized he needed. One of the few times we had communicated, he even had the nerve to tell me with my IC, I should be learning to be more accountable for my actions. Imagine that!? The pumping of the ego with A, is amazing.

At this point, the anger actually seems to feel better than the sadness. Probably not a great thing, but I feel I can work through that emotion much more easily. I'm tired of crying and being weepy at a moments notice. My anger is more wrapped in BD and beyond, not for what transpired in our M. I take a lot of responsibility for the breakdown. I am also realizing where I was unhappy in our M. The fact I didn't leave has led way to a whole new level of resentment of H. I get it, we are different and he's not able to process/deal in the same way. Just thoughts I've been having and hopefully will make way to better realization of other areas I need to work on.

I do continue to work on myself and am excited because I begin training this weekend for a possible new side business. I am super hopeful for the possibilities with this. A bright spot to look forward to in a lot of murkiness is always appreciated.

To a better and brighter tomorrow.

[peacetoday]

Good luck with your side business!

Whatever feelings come to the surface will lead to your healing 'let them flow
embrace them
They will change constantly pastime goes on less and less sadness
But
Its a long road from denial to acceptance
denial -anger -bargaining- sadness/depression- finally acceptance
'I believe it is important for us to go through the stages
if we skip (like our MLCer) we won't get there
If we get it over with and get through it there will be much joy and confidence on the other side
with or without H

Have a good day!

[LAJar]

I am hopeful. I will keep my steady 9 to 5, but hopefully parlay this training into work in the evenings and/or weekends. God knows I have the time now.

I am trying to experience all of the feelings that come up, work through them and move on. I'm sure I will go back and forth, but feel like I've cycled through denial, sadness/depression & bargaining together and now anger. I'm sure something will set me off and take me back to sadness. This is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life and more so because I have no control over it.

peace, I went back to some of your earlier posts and see a real difference in your writing, in comparison to when your sitch began. Your sadness and despair resonated with me. I look to today and your words of wisdom to those just beginning this journey are unbelievably appreciated. I am hopeful for myself that I can get to a better place in life, find peace and bring my happy back.