If I could've afforded the house on my income, I would've kept cuz kids love the place. As I had no choice cuz W didn't want to work with me financially to keep the house, I feel like I'm still stuck in the past. But soon I will be able to get past it. Three weeks and I move into my new place
Yeah, we were lucky in that regard. As a couple we were living well under our means and could afford it. I realize not everyone is in the situation however they way the conversation got started was about detaching not about who could afford it. I think it would have been harder on me and the kids if I had to move out as well.
Y'all can go talk about leaking on your own threads lol.
Yeh no easy quick path to detachment. It will only come about with GAL and focusing on yourself. It is also an attractive goal to achieve because decisions can be made from a place of strength. I'm really into that idea.
I've taken a beating from life but I refuse now to be controlled by it and stay depressed. I want to be happy, healthy and sexy.
Y'all can go talk about leaking on your own threads lol.
Yeh no easy quick path to detachment. It will only come about with GAL and focusing on yourself. It is also an attractive goal to achieve because decisions can be made from a place of strength. I'm really into that idea.
I've taken a beating from life but I refuse now to be controlled by it and stay depressed. I want to be happy, healthy and sexy.
And from what you have said, you are well on your way to that. And the W seems to be noticing that.
I am getting there, slowly.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Alright folks! Strap in while we all wait for the juicy update from Benni. I got one for y'all.
So, a situation basically forced my hand today. W came for dinner and thought I was fooling around with other women and said to me - "if you're messing around don't text me or ask me to come for dinners". I had asked her to come for dinner as a way of reciprocation - side note.
To which I told her that that wasn't the case and she didn't believe me. Anyways, we had dinner with kids and when she was leaving I told her that I was going to come over and talk to her tonight.
So, I did the anti-DB thing and laid it all out from my perspective - I don't want the S; I respect her for wanting it; I want to work on MR; I still love her and am in love with her; I am working on myself and improving things; S for me meant that she wanted time and space but I was getting mixed messages from her; etc etc. Just laid it all out - I just wanted it to be out in the open all clear for once.
Some of her responses:
"For me, this separation is permanent"
"Sorry for that week when we spent the nights together. I was worried about you going back to an empty home"
"You say you love me and want to be with me, but if you don't love yourself, then how can you love someone else"
"I know I have also gone through depression"
"I am not seeing anybody" - this is the part that was kinda effed up. I asked her point blank if she was seeing someone. First she said she wasn't going to answer that. I said, what the hell does it matter now. Then she says she's not seeing anybody - I don't believe her for a second about that right now - but I don't have evidence so I let it go.
"I never agreed to marriage counselling, but thought we could do co-parent counselling for the kids"
"I know you have the tendency to shut people out and you have shut me out many times in our MR, so I know that you will for the future"
Those are the main highlights. If I remember any more, I will post them later.
But AS - you were right. Now that it is out in the open that this is truly a WAS situation and everything was bread crumbs, I can move on and live my life and DB.
She's not in a good place emotionally and mentally, and so we'll see what happens with that - she looked pretty fragile and isn't planning on IC. But, now I know that I can just DB and not worry about what she's thinking or if I am doing things wrong.
I don't know if DB will save the MR, but it is the clearest road map for me to save myself.
So, I am basically going dark and NC, unless it's about the kids, and improving myself, GAL, detach, and DTR. I have basically nothing to lose at this point and everything to gain.
If she's ever ready to come back, we'll see where I am at. I feel so liberated and clear right now. I can focus on myself now completely.
Got a tub of ice cream and watching Batman. What she said hurts but I was kinda prepared for it mentally. This will help me detach and drop the rope over time. No more living in ambiguity. I think she's definitely seeing someone - whether casually or not. It doesn't matter now. I can't focus on that but just myself.
Haha - mint chocolate chip and chocolate crunch. The Batman with the Joker. If I'm not too tired might also watch the one with Bane. Drowning my sorrows as best as I can tonight so tomorrow is better and stronger
Maika, I was also feeling better but now I'm spinning around. So you may regret it later. I like your attitude though, why worry because there's nothing more to lose?
That indeed was against the DB and pushed her more away but I definitely can understand your want to get some clarity. I also agree that she's seeing someone because that answer is just odd. I think it's most of the WAS cases where there is an AP, either real and co-operative or a fantasy/EA friend. But as the rules go, don't believe anything what they say. It's just the emotional burden against you right now but time and changes can do their thing.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
The feeling of it being final. i.e. Where you are starting to believe it is over - is the true beginning of this process.
I remember taking down wedding photographs/pictures 3 months in. That was my "F**k me this is real" moment
I had to believe it was done. When you are faced with the reality of truly being alone/single - there is a different mode we operate on. We are focused to look at ourselves and only ourselves.
Do I really like my job? Do I look good naked? (need to go to gym etc..), do I see my friends enough?
If any of these answers indicate a potential area for improvement then its time to take all the time you spend thinking about your W and this messed up situation, and focus all your energy on the points above.
Once you do this, on a regular basis, that becomes your normality. When you live a life where you are 100% focused on you over a period of time - you start to feel a sense of accomplishment. Its through that feeling that you are rewarded.
You like that feeling, you become more confident, and a few months down the road, a family member will make a comment such as "you look happier recently" or "how come your in such a good mood"?
And you wont even be trying to impress anyone or change any situation - it will come across without you trying.
This is the ONLY person your W would be remotely interested in. Then when they believe that they may be losing you FOR REAL, then their interest is perked up. Then they start to question "Am I making the right decision?".
At that point we can speak again.
I used to go weeks without speaking to my W and I used to wonder if I am changing so much and we don't see each other then how will she know.
Let go of that because that shows you are still wanting things to happen for a reason.
Let nature take its course, and even if its only for an hour a week, your WAS WILL start to see the changes when she picks the kids up etc..
Over a period of time, (mine was 6 months) - there may be a chance that this new independent you is alot more of an attractive option than the husband she left.
