I did, she had our kids that week and had no way to pay for groceries. It was her fault for mis-managing her money.
I agree it is a delicate process, I make more than double what she makes. I know what the general advice however I try to think big picture about what it will look like in the long run if we get D and does that take a amicable situation and turn it ugly which costs me more in L fees in the long run.
but as a L, it baffles me why someone would resist getting free information about the biggest financial transaction of their life
WHILE their spouse is in their face discussing financial and legal matters and probing for information fro them.
Sure, jot down some notes for questions but you need to arm yourself asap.
This is not you filing for divorce, it's not a "Step" in that direction. It's you asking questions about what you risk by various paths and how you can protect yourself while not pushing for a divorce.
It can be very empowering to learn what your options are, (choosing to stay married Not out of fear, for instance)
and it can be a guide for seeing red flags faster, when your emotions don't want to see certain things.
Hang in there
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It took me a while to understand this. I now don't pay much attention to her mood. Up until this past week I would ask what's was wrong. Before then I would ask why you are acting like that towards me. But now I have just stop asking.
Oh wow. OK well I'm going to dissect this to try and help you understand how you can improve your communications:
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I now don't pay much attention to her mood
Ignoring her mood is probably "more of the same" behavior for you, I imagine there was a lot of emotional neglect in the M like in most of our sitches.
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Up until this past week I would ask what's was wrong.
Asking her (or anyone) "what's wrong" is not how you open up with communications. More often than not that makes the other person shut down, because you are implying that there is something wrong with them and their feelings. A better approach is to say something like "you don't seem like your normal self today, how are you feeling?" Most of the time when loved ones are sullen it's because they WANT to tell us something. So we have to pave the way for them to tell us without them feeling like we're going to judge them for it. LISTEN and VALIDATE should be the mantra of every LBS.
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Before then I would ask why you are acting like that towards me.
Well I'm glad you stopped that because that is a terrible thing to say to someone. She's feeling down and you make it all about yourself. Her moods are hers, they are not "right" or "wrong" they are just her moods. You should seek to understand them and acknowledge them. That is validation, and that will make her feel more connected to you, make her feel you understand her and care about her.
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But now I have just stop asking.
This "I'm going to ignore my W until she starts loving me again" approach never, ever works. It seems like I'm reading more of this here on the forum lately, I'm not sure where it's coming from but it is NOT DB'ing. The word "LOVINGLY" should always be used in front of "DETACH". That means you give her time and space, but when it's appropriate you offer her emotional support too. It doesn't mean you share your feelings with her, but it does mean encouraging her to share hers with you.
To be honest, I think there is a little conflict on the detaching piece. So I have a misunderstanding of when I should interact with my wife. When reading the detachment information, it says don't initiate conversations.
Then reading Sandi2 thread, it says, wife is not looking for love. So how do we loving detach and show that we care. If our S are to believe they are losing us, aren't they to believe that our love is fleeing as well?
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Hey Joejoe, I too, wanted to save the marriage so bad but no matter what I did, detaching, hoping, blah blah blah, my spouse didn't seem to care. I started reading archives from chumplady.com and it put a whole new perspective on things. It made me realize that my soon to be ex husband is a narcissist. If it's meant to be, it should be on your terms and genuine. We humans are just specks on this universe so don't waste your time trying to reconcile with someone who doesn't truly love you back. As a former Marine, integrity and moral values are the criterias of a person's character. I wish there was a nationwide meetup for LBS to give support and have fun. Just my 2 cents
Me: 37 H: 32 S:10 D: 9 Married: 11 years Sep: 6/25/17 D filed: 7/13/17
To be honest, I think there is a little conflict on the detaching piece. So I have a misunderstanding of when I should interact with my wife. When reading the detachment information, it says don't initiate conversations.
Then reading Sandi2 thread, it says, wife is not looking for love. So how do we loving detach and show that we care. If our S are to believe they are losing us, aren't they to believe that our love is fleeing as well?
I'm struggling with this as well. Especially when there's an OM. I'm going to only support her emotionally if it is bloody obvious she's feeling down because I don't want to misinterpret situations. Technically do it the same way as you would do to your neighbor, not in the same level as if she'd be your spouse.
I don't think validation is that common in our culture anyways but I can see how it could make things better.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
I want to save my marriage, but I'm getting to the point where I see every outcome as an option. My W doesn't hold to key to my happiness no more. The biggest problem I have at this point is know how to detach with love. I think I'm being a jerk in some moments and showing unloving interactions in others.
My wife is losing me slowly. If she wants to reconcile, fine, but I'm not chasing, or pursing her no more. I have started to enjoy myself GALing, and meeting new people.
