Lost on how to save my marriage! 2

[TBSakaJ9]

My wife is still in the home, hasn't brought up D once. She once told me after an argument, that if I had D papers in front of her she would of signed them. That was over a month ago.

So what's the story with the OM? Is he still in the picture?

I have heard that in-house separation is brutal and really makes it hard to detach. It is a process though and is going to take some time. I have finally got to the point to where I can sleep at night and am not always wondering what she is doing. It would be brutal if I still lived with her and had to see her daily.

[joejoe1]

J9,

He still in the picture. She talks to him all the time. She tries her hardest to hide it. I have mostly stop snooping. I check the house phone yesterday, but I'm done doing that.

I think it's better for her to be at the home. She can see me getting better and happy. I can also monitor my impact.

Yesterday I didn't get home to almost 9 oclock. I went on a hike with Meetup.com. It was a 2 hour hike around 4 miles. When I get home, I give her, her space, I say hi and got about my business. I don't badger her or follow her around. I sleep at night. This morning was the first morning in a while where I had bad thoughts. 20 mins before I woke up I start having crazy thoughts. I really think it was the devil attacking me. I got on my knees and prayed.

Tonight, I have a New Comers brief at church. I also have stones coming, because I building an outdoor fire pit in the back yard. It's something the wife wanted, but I got really intrigue and wanted to see if I can do it.

[Holding]

I can confirm that in-house separation is really tough. The tension in the house is really bad at times. Sometimes I just need to go to the MBR (she's in a separate bedroom now) to get some space.

[Maika]

Joe - detachment is super hard in general, but even more so if the situation is in-house separation. The only sitch I have come across where that worked was TxHubby - and he went nuclear with his DBing which I see as the only real option in the in house thing.

[joejoe1]

Holding,

At first it was really tough, over the last few days I have gotten to a point where, what she does isn't affecting me. I smile and I don't argue. Whatever she decides to do I can't control. The only thing i'm struggling with at this point is not being a jerk, or coming off as a jerk when I communicate with her. I'm working on detaching with love.

[TBSakaJ9]

I have mostly stop snooping. I check the house phone yesterday, but I'm done doing that.

When I stopped snooping it helped with detaching.

I think it's better for her to be at the home. She can see me getting better and happy. I can also monitor my impact.

I think the advice you would get on this board would be different but ultimately it is your sitch.


Earlier you asked about finances. When my W moved out I took her checkbook to our joint account and our 1 credit card. She also opened up her own checking account and her checks re-directed to be auto-deposited there. Once she got access to her own money I removed her name from our joint checking account and I sent her an email to advice.

Before she moved out we also discussed who would pay for what. I did not come across this board until after she moved out if I had I probably would have done a couple of things different. She pays for her rent, living expenses and utilities at her apartment. She also is responsible for any debt or anything else she purchases for the apartment. She also pays for her own cell-bill.

[joejoe1]

J9,

I talked to a lawyer today about our financial situation. I talked to her about the D process and what I can expect as for as fees and what I will and won't get. I need to be knowledgeable on this process. She told I need to be careful because some judges frown upon a spouse controlling money or seeming to control the money or use it in a vindictive way. And If I do it wrong my WW can argue that point in court if it goes that far. Or even if we get a D.

Just covering my basis.

[TBSakaJ9]

I agree.....what I have been struggling with lately is what to deny her access on. For example, if she wants to file about doesn't have the money because it is tied up in an account she doesn't know how to access to I give her access? I always controlled all of our finances so she really knows nothing.

I know most everyone says don't finance anything but to your point I think it is a slippery slope.

I will say I have not been vindictive about anything and everything that has happened so far she has agreed to. We sat down together before she moved out and put budgets together for both of us.

I also know she is feeling the financial pinch because she came to me last week asking for money.

[joejoe1]

J9,

Did you give her the money? Was it her fault for mismanaging her finances or did she really have a problem that you had to help out with?

I think the finances is a big deal, but must dealt with in a delicate process. My wife is a SAHM, and I can see a judge going in on me. A soldier, 6'3 215 pounds and my wife showing him how I took the money to control her. I have to be smart in this area.

[sandi2]

She said something eles that was weird. She said, "I get it, I disrespected you, now you disrespecting me, and it don't feel good.".

I didn't tell her where I was going or what I was doing. So on her own assumptions, she thanks I'm out doing something with another woman.

This confuses me, she said she didn't want to be in the marriage, why would anything I do disrespect her?

She does not want you for a H, but she wants what you can provide for her. A few examples are wanting you to be available to do whatever she may need at any particular time. She may use you for a maintenance worker for whatever needs repaired or fixed (even if she gets another place to live); vehicle maintenance; run errands for her; keep the children on her scheduled days to have them; act as a listener (counselor) and to comfort her; and any financial benefits she can get from you, be her BFF, etc.

She does not want to be in a MR with you, but she expects to receive benefits the M would provide. She does not want to be your W. However, she does not want another woman to replace her position in your heart. Everything is about "her". The WW thinks her H will forever pine away for her. Therefore, if she sees her H moving on in his life and being happy without her........the jealousy comes out. She doesn't want her H, but she doesn't want anyone else to have him. She asks questions about where he is going, when, and with whom. Although she wants privacy in her life......she will ask nosy questions about her H's GAL. She loses certain rights and privileges she had as your wife........and knowing details about your GAL, is one of them.