Lost on how to save my marriage! 2

[joejoe1]

JDub,

I feel you on taking that giant D step. It's hard but it has to be an option. I'm not saying make that decision before you are ready, but be ready to make it when it's time.

[JDub]

It's hard but it has to be an option.

Well, let's be fair, it's always an option. We always have an option to walk away at any time, that's the way it works.

W is going from "we are done/over/finished" blame rage last week to very warm, communicative, and wanting to spend time together this week. She even kicked around the idea of us opening up a fitness franchise together yesterday. I have no idea how to read any of this, and if I ask, it becomes R talk which usually sets things flailing in the wrong direction.

I'm not sure a conversation with an L will offer clarity or will be a waste of time.

[Mowgli]

She's going to teeter back and forth. When she does that stuff, sometimes it's temp checking. If it happens after you've been especially aloof, that is almost always what it is. She's trying to feel you out.

When she talks about a fitness franchise, what she's really asking is "would you want to be around me for that?" if she knows the answer is "yes," she knows she's safe and can table you for later.

Guaranteed, if you engage in those convos and seem interested, she'll run the other way.

So until she proves to you she's interested in an R by directly stating it, agreeing to full transparency, and starts demonstrating with real action that she is remorseful and that a new R is what she wants (who would want to go back to the old one?), all of that is just temp-checking fluff.

Don't let her lure you into a false sense of security. You keep doing what you're doing (seems like its working) and when/if she's ready, she'll sit down and open up the R discussions.

In fact, next time she starts bringing up all this spending time together, I'd really try to squeeze her on it. Never just jump to doing those things; make her work for your time.

Say something like "I've already made plans with someone that day, how about x?" It will show her that you are your top priority.

or when she talks about future plans, that's a perfect time for a truth dart.

like I said before, it might really hurt to do that because you're not fully detached, but you need to fake it 'till you make it.

[Mowgli]

sorry, Jdub. I saw the "j" and thought it was joe.

I was applying your words to his sitch and got messed up.

[joejoe1]

Mowgli,

The answer you provided was for JDub situation. You were right.

[joejoe1]

Sandi2 and TxHubby,

I have a question, TxHubby how did you handle the finances while you were GALing?

Sandi2, what is your opinion on finances?

[Holding]

JoeJoe, not sure if you're still planning a meetup for the TX folks, but the weekend of the 23rd and 24th would be perfect for me.

[joejoe1]

Holding,

Yeah, that date would be awesome for me. I'm free then. We have to send shout out to the rest of the folks. I think we could have some great discussions.

[Rose888]

I saw you request that I pop in and comment on your sitch.

I want to make it clear that I am not an expert on situations in which there is an OM, so I'm not going to advise on how to handle that part.

Here are the things that jumped out at me:

1. You are super impatient. I can sympathize, but if you want to give your marriage the best chance of making it, you have to learn to give things time.

2. You seem very focused on what individual actions "mean." Your spouse is confused. Things won't make sense. And not every action or mood is directly related to you or even to the situation.

3. In an early post, you mentioned some pretty serious issues, and it seems like you agree with your wife's assessment. You said you were a know it all and people don't like to be around you, including your kids. That you are harsh. And yet, we've seen almost nothing about how you are trying to fix those issues.

I'd like to see your posts focus less on your wife and what she is doing, or thinking, or how she will react to X, or what Y means, and a lot more about how you are meeting with an IC to work through your issues, specific examples of changing the way you respond to your kids and others in your life, and what activities you are doing with your kids to start building a better relationship with them.

Those are things you can control. Those are the most significant 180s you can do, but changing a trait like this is hard. Let us support you in that.

Oh, and a note about GAL. It's important. Critical. But if you are just assuming you can leave the house without notice and your wife will watch the kids, you're being kind of a jerk.

[joejoe1]

1. You are super impatient. I can sympathize, but if you want to give your marriage the best chance of making it, you have to learn to give things time.

I 100% agree, I have been working on this hard. I don't badger my wife anymore. It has been over a week since I have talked to my wife about the M or R. I haven't initiated really any conversations in over a week. I slowly started to realize that those conversations were making her shut down and move further away from me.

I'm very impatient and being in the Army doesn't help that much. But I have learned to slow down and live in the moment and not days and weeks ahead. I really loving the feeling.

"2. You seem very focused on what individual actions "mean." Your spouse is confused. Things won't make sense. And not every action or mood is directly related to you or even to the situation."

It took me a while to understand this. I now don't pay much attention to her mood. Up until this past week I would ask what's was wrong. Before then I would ask why you are acting like that towards me. But now I have just stop asking. I go about my merry way. Last Thursday she told me she wanted to talk to me after the boys went to bed. I help put them to bed then went to Walmart, she didn't approach me about that night, so I didn't ask. The next day she told me, she wanted to talk and she told me, she told me the words she had the before escaped her today, I said, "what were the words yesterday", and she said, "really". I shut up and went about my way.

"I'd like to see your posts focus less on your wife and what she is doing, or thinking, or how she will react to X, or what Y means, and a lot more about how you are meeting with an IC to work through your issues, specific examples of changing the way you respond to your kids and others in your life, and what activities you are doing with your kids to start building a better relationship with them."

So, I have started reading to my middle son. I bought books for me and my S9 to read together then discuss afterward. I still need to do things with them outside the house. I have planned a trip to the zoo this weekend, and S9, I going to get him to help me with putting up a ceiling fan.

I have seen a few ICs. But I currently not seeing one. I have a DB coach. I figured out early on that I was very pessimistic and had to turn that outlook around, I always envied my wife for that, and I now knew it was time for me to take action on that.

I also have now started helping out around the house more, without being told. I did gripe or complain about it, or expect anything in return, I did it without conditions or expectations.

Those are things you can control. Those are the most significant 180s you can do, but changing a trait like this is hard. Let us support you in that."

Yes it is very hard. I have made a word document of all the positive and helpful things, I have been told on the Forum and all the DB info.

I have really changed a lot since DB. My wife told me one day, that she see changes and I'm helping out more, but she did it for seven years and I have did it for a few months so don't expect me the change the way I feel.

[/quote]Oh, and a note about GAL. It's important. Critical. But if you are just assuming you can leave the house without notice and your wife will watch the kids, you're being kind of a jerk.[/quote]

I have been informing my wife that I'm about to leave before I go and do any GAL. I think I can incorporate asking her if she has any plans instead of telling her I have plans at such and such time and I will be back.