meaning like, taking control of the situation. It just seems those that saved their marriage took some sort of action outside of just working on themselves. Maybe it was threantening D, maybe it was forcing the WW to move out or maybe it was exposing the A, etc. It just seems that just sitting back and doing you rarely works it is a combination of a few things.
Let me ask you this. Is this about control or about not being able to live with all this ambiguity of what's actually going on with W? I am wondering if at some level your motivation to do D is coming from not living in this uncertain zone - I don't think it's being in limbo because you are living your life, but at some point something needs to happen. I am in this zone of ambiguousness and unicorns and I don't know what the hell to make of it.
LH
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but there was no reason for me to push my XW further away by my actions in case my mind changes in the future.
What do you mean by that LH? what actions drove your XW further away?
I understand how you feel. I wanted to shake the cage as well with some threat. But a threat is not what you want. You want to be sure. This will take time. In my opinion. I think becoming the best you, and letting her see and putting doubt in her mind about what she is doing, will having a better impact than a threat. Her reactions and actions will cause you to doubt your actions, but if you fully detach, you won't worry about any of that, and she will notice, when you really don't care. Woman notice a lot, and she will notice if you still have some care, but guess what she will also notice when you don't care at all. You will still love her, but you won't let what she does impact you. The day she notice that, you will notice a change, and you will keep going. Take the marathon approach, stop sprinting.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
IMO Here is what you need to figure out.I was told by my IC a couple years ago that people are motivated two things Love and Fear. People will do more to avoid pain then they will do to gain pleasure.
Do you want your wife back because you are head over heels in love with her and you realized you made a big mistake in becoming complaisant in your marriage and moving forward you will treat her like your queen like she deserves?
Or are you fearful of the unknown, how your kids will turn out, can you financially afford a divorce?
Once I really dug deep I realized I have been driven by fear. It's still hard but I think makes acceptance easier.
The difference is that they knew they were ok with the result even if it turned the other way around. Are you? All I can say is that don't burn the bridges and let the time do it's thing. Doing nothing is actually doing SOMETHING, in this case.
The longer this goes on the closer I get every day to being ok with it. I have heard often around here that many times the LBS ends up not wanting to reconcile at the end because of the work they did after BD. I know I am not a perfect person but I also don't feel like I have a ton of major things to work on to improve myself. Bottom line, I got lazy, could do a better job of communicating with my W in the future and we needed to make more time for ourselves.
I have been going to IC for the last three months and through that process I have realized I am a very happy and content person. I used to think something was wrong with me because I didn't have a need for a ton of outside interests. Sure I like going to the gym and working out, I also love playing basketball 3 days a week but I don't have this deep burning desire to do stuff. I would like to travel more as well and I also like to cook.
Call me boring but I am happy and content with my life. My W said she was not content but new I was so I thought I had to fill my life with a bunch of stuff I have no interest in but realized I should be happy with who I am and maybe it is my W who has the problem. Maybe I am just a simple person who does not have a bunch of elaborate needs.
I have literally done nothing over the course of the last 2 months to pursue my W. There has been no movement at all and while the general theme of everyone's sitch is similar the individuals playing the roles are vastly different.
The hardest part to decide is how long to wait especially as your confidence grows. When my W first told me I felt like I got TKO'd by Tyson in the first round. Through this process though and with IC I realized that I am a very happy and content person. Sure I have bought new clothes, lost weight, got a new hair cut, etc. for me and I feel great. I just don't know if my W is worth waiting around for because I know I am a good guy, with a good job and I take care of my responsibilities in life.
I I don't think it's being in limbo because you are living your life, but at some point something needs to happen. I am in this zone of ambiguousness and unicorns and I don't know what the hell to make of it.
I think it is trying to decide when something needs to happen. If she is going to do these things is it worth saving because I deserve better and you start to feel that way as your confidence grows.
Do you want your wife back because you are head over heels in love with her and you realized you made a big mistake in becoming complaisant in your marriage and moving forward you will treat her like your queen like she deserves?
This is good stuff, I loved my W but I never thought she really allowed me to love her if that makes sense. Looking back I don't know if she really ever let me in 100% which I think has to do with how she was raised. Like she never really allowed herself to be 100% vulnerable. Which in turn pushed me away etc. according to my IC. We discussed me and my NG traits and my IC told me that maybe you became this NG because your W never allowed you to make your points or validate you in the R. Does that make sense?
When I sit here and think about working on myself, etc. I think....what do I need to work on? I know I am not perfect person but it's really hard for me to think about what I could do differently.
Quote:
Or are you fearful of the unknown, how your kids will turn out, can you financially afford a divorce?
Fear, I think I know it, just don't want to admit it. I remember at times not being happy myself in our R I just didn't have the tools at that time to understand how to deal with it. I just chalked it up to this is married left and because of how she dealt with conflict I just became this guy that never pushed an argument because I knew it wouldn't go anywhere. My W is a broken person and she told me that before she left. She has battled depression since we have been married and is always searching for something to make her happy vs looking within.
When this first went down we talked about going to mediation vs us getting separate L's and going down that path to reduce some of expense. I am sure both of us are afraid deep down inside to pull the trigger. I am a saver so while I am not a millionaire by any stretch we could afford to make it happen.
IMO, if you think she is not worth waiting for, I think you should wait until you know she is not worth waiting for.
A lot of times, IMO I think we get impatient, waiting for a sign, because we are looking so hard. Maybe you are not looking hard, maybe you are over this situation and if you truly are, then you know the next step. But if you know you haven't try something, try it first before doing the big D. You might have to think hard.
Also, you said,
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
[quote] I know I am not a perfect person but I also don't feel like I have a ton of major things to work on to improve myself. Bottom line, I got lazy, could do a better job of communicating with my W in the future and we needed to make more time for ourselves.
What did you wife say she didn't like, what did she found wrong with the R. What didn't she like about the man you became. If you truly want you wife back, then you have to 180 those things. We all became lazy and we all could of communicated better. But are the exact things your wife found wrong?
I will also say, only you know your SIT.
Joe
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
The only thing she said was I needed to be more of a leader but didn't elaborate on what that entailed. She told me I was happy and content but she was not. She also indicated that I did not challenge her to be a better person. Told me I was a safe choice.
My W is the kind of person that is always trying new things and when she tries something she jumps in feet first, with her entire body. They are important to her at the time (she always has to have her mind occupied with something) but when whatever she is currently working on fizzles out/runs its course/is finished she is off to the next thing. I envy her for it because she is very talented in that regard and is not afraid to put herself out there. My W openly says she is a very complicated individual.
I on the other hand am just a happy and content person that doesn't have a need to pursue those type of things. I am perfectly content hitting the gym, playing sports, watching my D's play sports, etc. Doing a little bit of travel here and there. Going to work just living life.
You can read those things in my thread but I'm sure you just confused me&LH because you've commented in my thread :P