Sounds like we are shaping up to have a date. What date works for you AS and TxHubby? Sending up a flare.
It most likely will be a Saturday seeing that AS has to travel from Dallas and Holding has to travel from Houston.
Sorry about that, I got busy at work last week and had to drop off the forums a bit. This is a bad time of year for me to make a weekend trip but when the weather gets colder maybe I can join y'all!
Originally Posted By: joejoe1
So let me ask you, she has access to all my accounts. Do I take her off of them?
Are the accounts joint or are you primary on them? If they are joint then you may not be able to remove her without her involvement. When my XW and I went about the business of getting her off of our mutual accounts and such, we had to make a bunch of phone calls with both of us on the line because typically both parties have to give permission for the change. But if you're primary and she just has access then I think you can do it yourself.
Some people here are dealing with spouses that drain accounts and rack up CC debt with no warning, clearly if your W is like that you may want to quietly change things if you can. But others (like my XW) are more reasonable and if your W is more like that then it's something the two of you should sit down and discuss before making the transition.
open a new checking account and direct deposit into that.
It can't look vindictive. Removing her feels a lot like taking a cell phone away from a grounded teenager, in the same way that cutting off the phone bill seems reactionary and punishing.
You need to make it about you stepping away and less about you trying to "control."
is she a SAHM, or is she gainfully employed?
I ask not because it changes the way I'd approach it, but it changes the message.
It goes from "I'm doing my own thing and taking responsibility for my own finances" which is the message you send to a spouse with a job,
to "you need to start figuring out what you're going to do after we D, because it's not stay at home."
That's what D will look like, right? you'll be doing your thing, and she'll be doing hers.
In no way have you prevented her access to accounts she previously could access, or have been punitive in any way; you're simply "taking your ball and going home."
She can't hold it over you as being controlling then, because you're not. You're doing what's best for you: Setting personal boundaries to protect yourself.
I can tell you right now, though, that I've been here long enough and read enough sitches to know that trying to control WW's actions never, ever works.
They are in full rebellion, and it only pushes them further into that realm of thinking.
I think both sides has great points. But I ultimately I messed this boundary up. I think holding is right. I will have to snoop to enfore this boundary. That's not detaching. I don't care what she does anymore. Shes a cheater. And cheaters will lie and finds ways to be sneaky no matter how much I take away from her. I moving on emotionally and mentality. If I'm focus on her, I'm taking focus off myself. I'm done chasing her trying to figure out what she is doing.
I like the opening another account and taking my ball and going home. She is a SAHM.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
