My story

[siknsad]

25,

I will try to answer your questions to the best of my ability:

Apart from my R with my W my dating experience has been pretty casual. I had a few R that always ended up with my SO leaving me (go figure)

I have one older brother (5 years older) and one older sister (7 yeas older). We aren't close.

I could see how it could seem as if it is bigger than what it was. I suppose I saw her as my anchor. I married out of love and I thought that she loved me back (which she probably did in her own way, but soon gave up)

I am studying writing studies.

I want to work on letting go of the past, setting boundaries, validating others, listening, having a closer relationship with God, and always... ALWAYS moving forward towards MY goals.

I hope this answers your questions enough.

Journaling:

W contacted me via second number (text) and asked about Uncles Memorial (who she was NOT close to in any way shape or form). I ignored the text. 12 hours later, W wrote me on FB (she must have unblocked me) and asked same question with inquiring on picking up some warmer clothes (it is autumn in my town).

How to proceed? I am like scared of seeing her face to face, but I would like for her to see the changes that I made to the house and to myself physically!. I am torn between just packing up ALL of her clothes and sending her a quick response stating that ALL of her clothes will be available for pick up here with me being here... or to use a 3rd party to get the clothes to her. The anxiety has come back with this mere thought of having to feel her indifference... What do you guys think? message is face value? something more? advice on how to proceed? timeline to respond to her FB message?

Thanks....off to do homework!!!

[joejoe1]

Can I asked how did your wife find out about your uncle dying. If you told her, telling her about the funeral won't hurt.

If you wont her to think you are truly done. Are you want to send the message you are truly done. Send her clothes thru a third party. She has to feel like she has lost or is lossing you.

[siknsad]

She did find out through me from the last time we had contact. Are you saying in giving it to a third party that I am sending that message and she may feel that way, or that she is already feeling that way from her contacting (testing the temp.) This is all so confusing. I have thought about using a 3rd party, I have thought about packing ALL of her things (even the furniture that she wanted and telling her "It will be on the deck [DATE] I advise retrieving it before it rains". Both kind of seem like d*ck ways to go about it, but I have to think about my emotional well being as well so I am just torn as to what to do... so far I have not responded...and that will only last so long before she goes bat sh*t crazy and comes with the sheriff or something petty like that. Maybe, I am over analyzing it and I just need to n*t up and just pack the stuff and let her come get it when I am home and see if she starts any convo (although even THINKING that has my anxiety increasing).

[joejoe1]

I think she is temp testing you. I think you should to her and say.

"I'm packing your things. I can give them to a third party for you to get or you can come get them on X Date."

[joejoe1]

I wish there was an edit button. I meant to say you should talk to her and say......

[siknsad]

Journaling

I replied to her that we should schedule something so that she could get the rest of her possessions at once. She stated she would have to get a moving company and a storage unit but she understands. Unfortunately, it led to some degree of small talk (none of which was about the R or M) about the memorial, my Mom's cancer treatment and misc. I validated her statements the best that I could. No begging, nor pleading, nor bargaining, nor ILY nor anything like that. She stated that she had not seen her therapist since the week before 8/30 and wouldn't see him again until the 18th and she stated elected to tell me that there isn't anyone else, despite what i think (like i am supposed to care or something) and that she needs to continue to focus on herself for her own safety and security. It lasted via text for maybe 45 minutes (with 5 minute intervals between convos) and that was it. Towards the end she stated that she would still like to pick up a jacket and a couple of long sleeve shirts. I told her that I would let her know when my schedule allowed. She stated her days off and that she was suffering from extreme anxiety lately. I ended the conversation.

All in all, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I think I handled it okay considering it was one of my first times DBing. So, did I do this right?

[Holding]

Siknsad, it sounds like you handled things well. Good job!

Remember not to mind read. Not that I'm seeing evidence that you are, but sometimes in the beginning it's hard to resist the urge to read into things your W may say or do.

[siknsad]

Holding,

Thanks. I don't have much experience at DBing so I am glad that I am doing it kind of right. W ended up contacting me about some financial matters (all through the text conversation my responses were on validations). I sidestepped the issue of her wanting me to pay for something that I have nothing to do with, but I validated her inquiry. It feels so robotic to validate. Is it supposed to feel this way or is it just because I am not used to speaking in this manner?

[Maika]

Yeah, if validation wasn't part of your natural way of communicating, then it does sound a bit robotic in the beginning. Once you do it a few times, it feels a lot more natural. I also find validating via text to be way easier and you can totally fake it because the other person can't see you. In person is harder, but you improve over time.

Not sure what you mean about validating her inquiry. It doesn't sound like you needed to say anything about that.

Anyways, sounds like you did well. Practice makes better. I read up on the validation cheat sheet at least once a week to remain sharp.

[siknsad]

Not sure what you mean about validating her inquiry. It doesn't sound like you needed to say anything about that.

I validated (or I think I did) by expressing that I can see how frustrating it is to have to pay bills and feel that you have no money to spend on things that you want to instead of what you have to. (I kind of side stepped having to tell her a flat out NO I am not paying either....lol.

I feel strongly about NOT paying for these things that she asks for money for. I am trying very hard (and have since the marriage started...believe it or not) to detach so that she could gain financial responsibility ...etc. and instead it seems as if all it bred is resentment from her towards me. It is all part of the process of detachment, though (from what I have read) so I am just doing me and trying to be cordial (instead of sterile or indifferently hostile or pugnacious) and validating when she decides to contact me. I do believe that practice makes perfect and I have printed out the cheat sheet and have been studying it.