Lost on how to save my marriage! 2

[sandi2]

I think you had asked about helping with house chores. First of all, does she have a full time employment of 40 hrs or more a week? If so, then, absolutely you should share equally in the evening chores. Three kids and a one-year old.......yes. If she doesn't work outside of the home, my personal opinion is that you focus on managing the boys. Oversee homework, baths, taking them to activities, etc. In fact, you could have the oldest three boys taking different nights assisting you in cleaning up the kitchen. You'd be surprised how that presents opportunity for one on one conversations with your child. Here's the thing........don't do all the work, and don't any of it to score brownie points with her. ( I don't know why housework is the first thing men think of doing as mending the MR). If you didn't do it before the bomb was dropped.......then it's not going to cause miracles now. Okay, I'm taking up too much time on this subject........so, moving right along........

Have you taken time for self evaluation? Have you thought about the things I suggested? I realize you want to save your M, and the applications we will be suggesting may be totally opposite to what you feel you should be doing. Most every newcomer struggles with their emotions, so FWIW, you are in great company.

Beginning right now, you need to think of you and your WW as two separate entities. Your W has brought a third party into the MR........and that never works. You cannot control anyone but yourself, therefore, take your attention off your WW.......and the OM.

She has expressed enough about her feelings toward you and the OM to let you know she no longer wants to continue in this MR. Therefore, that frees you from any type of wife management that you may have previously considered. You are not responsible for her, and you can't manage her. That means you focus on self, and managing yourself.

You may find yourself wanting to persuade your WW to give the MR another chance. You may have moments you experience fear or even have panic attacks. You may be tempted to write a long letter, apologizing to her for everything you can think of.......and even taking responsibility for her affair. You may want to tell her that you will always love her......no matter what she's done. You may want to tell her you will always be there for her; forgive her, repeat how you don't want a divorce; offer to go to MC; express how much you love and need her; etc. You may tear up at times. You may follow her around the house, you may try to please her. You may want to plead with her and make her promises. You may go home, put on your Super Husband cape, and treat her like royalty.......while you jump around putting out fires. You may feel sad and unhappy. My point here is that these are all examples of something that is self manageable. Some things like panic attacks, sleep deprivation, depression, etc. may need to be treated by a doctor.......but it's still you managing your side of the street in this sh't storm. It's your responsibility to manage Joe. It is not your W's responsibility to manage Joe.

What about your WW? She's unhappy; complains; doesn't want to act like a married wife and mother of four; wants to explore other options; wants space; gets angry; cold; has problems; has debts; picks fights;......... yada, yada, yada. Whose responsibility do these things fall under? A lot of men try to manage their W, and you can tell when reading their threads. A lot of men try to fix their W. You cannot control her or fix her......and you should not rescue her.

So what can you do? Here are a handful of things to get you started.
1). Emotionally detach from her. Physically detach as much as you can.
2). Let her go, emotionally.
3). Be less available.
4). Set personal goals.
5). GAL. Fill your calendar with activities you enjoy.
6). Don't try to fix her, please her, or rescue her.

I have to end here. May be gone over the weekend, but don' t think I have forsaken you.

[joejoe1]

Sandi2,

I know you havent forsaken me. You are saving me. I haven't cried over this situation. Not yet anyways. I haven't written a letter to her since June. I not trying to save her anymore. I did have confusion on the amount of house work I should be doing. But you have gave me more tinsight. I'm growing more everyday.

I'm GALing as much as I possibly can and still spend time with my boys.

I'm going ziplinning this Satuday.

[joejoe1]

The wife said she needs to talk after the kids go to sleep. Oh boy. Lets see what this is about. Joseph9, this might be over that text.

[joejoe1]

So after W said she wanted to talk, she went upstairs to do Zumba. I put my boys to bed and when she finished I went to Walmart to get some items. I thought she was going to hit me up about the talk after I got back but she didn't and I didn't approach her about it either. I just got in the bed and went to sleep. I don't feel a need to chase behind a conversation she wants to talk about.

What was also funny was right after she told me she wanted to talk, she told me she was dropped from her classes and them she asked me did I take away my benefits. I told her no. She is always seeing my in this negative light. Maybe that's what she wanted to talk about I don't know. And If she doesn't approach me I won't find out.

[TBSakaJ9]

Nah, you will be ok and you did good! Don't chase and if she wants to talk bad enough she will approach you.

[joejoe1]

Joseph9,

You live in Texas as well, where?

Yeah I did ok, I got a little curious and check her phone, she didn't see me, but woke up as I was walking off. That is my last step and detaching, not worrying about that phone. I don't check phone records no more or follow her around the house. I need to leave that phone alone.

If we can all meet up, it would be AS, TxHubby, and Holding would be an awesome day for us all.

[joejoe1]

I'm on my way home. Let see if wife brings up a talk. I will be holding strong.

[joejoe1]

So,

Last night my wife started talking to me. One of the things she said was she had the words to tell me what she needed the day before but didn't have them yesterday.

Then she started making accusations. She start saying things like I know I disrespected you, and now you are trying to get back at me with all this going out. I just ignored it.

I'm going to Austin today to go ziplinning. And I'm leaving early in the morning. She was asking why are you leaving so early. I just said I have things to do. I'm staying the night in Austin I told her I would be back on Sunday. I havent seen her act jeaulous in a while. I was texting my man's about today and she was shaking.

I asked her to shave my back and she was making statements like why would I shave your back so you can( and then she would say the rest under her breath).

[Tread]

joejoe,

Good you need to keep it up. Eventually she'll figure out that in order to be able to do these things with you or at least slow you down. Is to get back on track with the MR and kick ON to the curb. You are doing far better than most this soon.

[joejoe1]

She said something eles that was weird. She said, "I get it, I disrespected you, now you disrespecting me, and it don't feel good.".

I didn't tell her where I was going or what I was doing. So on her own assumptions, she thanks I'm out doing something with another woman.

This confuses me, she said she didn't want to be in the marriage, why would anything I do disrespect her?