24 Mths in..I gotta whole lot of living to do now

[Irish M]

Hi HaWho, Job, SBJ, Rd and bttrfly.

thank you all for your messages. I didnt think it would of bothered me as much as it does. I'm more sadden for the girls to have not been as close to him and with their mom during this difficult time.

What also breaks my heart is he died as a LBS. His XW never gave him that sorry letter on what she did to him and his family. Its tragic that he witnessed his own daughter repeating it after his diagnosis with cancer. Its all heartbreaking.

The daughters did show remorse and teared up. Still no change in their plans not to attend the funeral.

I replied to her message about being a mess.

Our sympathies for your loss. Hope you can take some time off soon.

thanks again for your sympathies. I'm taking it one day at a time. I have to work as you know in sales can't miss a day. I'm just having trouble not seeing the girls. I wish I would see them during this hard time but I'll go through it alone. Thanks for asking

I'll leave it at that. I'm sure she has a lot on her plate.

[Irish M]

Got home tonight and the girls were in a deep discussion on their mom..

They said they find it weird that she wasn't with him when he died. She was aware that he had 2-3 days. on his death bead in palliative care. He ended up dying alone without his 2 daughters near him. Ok my XW lives 2 hours away. Her sister in 15-20 mins away.

If my parents were that close to death I would be there with them. Especially if its a long weekend.

Just goes to show you their values and priorities are out the window.

So September and October will be busy months for me. I have another 6km Mud run with 25 obstacles. A parachute jump i got as a gift on my birthday, a trip to Winnipeg , a road trip to Salem for he witch museum and Halloween activities and of course Halloween back home with my garage converted into a haunted house for he neighboring kids.

Oh and I finally got my approval to fly my drone in the states.. so If you are in the Salem/ Boston area.. look up. I may catch you on film.

[Gordie]

Condolences re your FIL. Good for you for honoring your D's wishes and really kind of you to ask XW how she is doing through all of this.

[Gordie]

Hit submit too early. I also found what you said about divorce needing to be final before your XW could stop monstering. Very interesting.

[bttrfly]

So I want to note something about death that's often true: people often wait to pass until their loved ones are no longer in the room. It's a very common thing, I don't know why that is. When my uncle died my aunt had spent practically every minute in the room with him, only leaving to go to the bathroom or shower, which she did right there. That's when he left - when she was taking a shower. I think it's somehow easier for the one who is passing to go when their loved ones are not present.

Perhaps eew and her father had an agreement that she not be there - maybe she didn't want that to be her last memory of him.

----

you're going to be in Salem????? You should check out the local endangered animal education center in Ipswich. Sundays are good - especially 10/1, 10/15 and 10/22.

If you go, buy your tix in advance online.

I will look up since I'm very near Salem,

[roist]

Sincerest condolences and best wishes.

I imagine well that you have many feelings at this time some probably conflicting. You are probably right not to attend. I tend to think of death differently since I lost my dad and where possible I extend sympathy to those in bereavement.

You reached out to XW which I also agree was right thing to do. As job warned your XW is likely to be even more messed up in the aftermath and that is best to leave her deal with it.

I am sure her words sing as the same old woe is me without my daughters. One day the penny will drop for her that her actions inevitably lead to that. Until then try to be empathetic and realise that it really must be tough without them. Imagine if it was your dad and you hadn't your daughters.

Unfortunately it is likely that she will settle further into the pity party. Expect this, but let it slide. This is a tough time for her and I doubt she will be able to rethink her viewpoint until she absorbs this death.

Your upcoming plans sound great

[Irish M]

I also found what you said about divorce needing to be final before your XW could stop monstering. Very interesting.

Hi Gordie, thanks for your support. yes in my case she seemed like she was less tense. Having this marriage off her shoulders and giving her the freedom to live her single life with no guilt. However that freedom came with a huge cost. Only time will tell if that will one day affect her.

Perhaps eew and her father had an agreement that she not be there - maybe she didn't want that to be her last memory of him.

Hi bttrfly (((hugs)))
No idea. She saw him 2 times a year at best, so her staying the weekend of his passing would of been a stretch for her.

His roommate was there with her children. He lived with this woman for over 30 years. Separate rooms. She always pointed out to us that he was a roommate. I'm glad he wasn't alone when he passed.

I am sure her words sing as the same old woe is me without my daughters. One day the penny will drop for her that her actions inevitably lead to that. Until then try to be empathetic and realise that it really must be tough without them. Imagine if it was your dad and you hadn't your daughters.

Unfortunately it is likely that she will settle further into the pity party. Expect this, but let it slide. This is a tough time for her and I doubt she will be able to rethink her viewpoint until she absorbs this death.

Hi Roist
thanks for your support as well.
Yes its pity party for XW. I couldn't imagine not having the girls in my life. They say the same to me. We are a tight 3. Our bond was as strong before all this MLC. Don't get me wrong XW was as close. She had a hard time going on a week alone with me without freaking out on the fact that she wont see her girls. So to not see them and not have them during this hard time for her.. I cant imagine.


Well the service was held yesterday. We never got the details but I did tell her that we wouldn't attend. I did get an email form a website for his memorial page. Generic email from the site sent out to I presume all the people that knew him via his roommate.

It was upsetting to read.

XFIL he leaves his spouse and her children: child 1 (spouse) child 2(spouse) child 3 (spouse) and their children (1-2-3) . He also leaves behind his daughters XSIL (spouse) and XW (OM) and his grand children (1, D15 and D17) as well as his brothers and sisters


Now when I read this.. first think i noticed was his roommate was listed as spouse. That never happened. Even when we saw him a few months ago... she seemed annoyed that he was still there and she had to take care of him. She always held her ground that they were roommates . He cut the grass she did the laundry.

2nd thing I noticed was .. OM. listed as XW partner/spouse. Now if I would pass tomorrow. No way in hell would my girlfriend of whom I don't reside with and its only been months that we are open about the relationship . She would not be listed nor expect to be.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't expect my name there nor wanted it. But I didn't expect his. It is a disrespect to the girls. If they were still living together maybe that would be another story.

3rd thing and most important.. My D17 name is misspelled.
This family has known my D17 since she was born. His roommate knows her. Now it could be that the website made a typo but there are some pretty unique names listed in there and only D17 is messed up.

On this webpage you can leave a special note to the families. The girls said and I agree that we should leave one. We are better people and he was a good man down deep.

It was simple.

To roommate and her family as well as XFIL family our deepest condolences . We will be thinking of you all on this day. Irish, D17 ( spelled perfectly) and D15


So a busy week this week. Budgets, Winnipeg trip and finish it all up with the final mud race of the year.

Hope you all have a great week

[bttrfly]

Hi Irish xoxoxo
I hope this doesn't sound callous, because I do not mean it to - you are upset, and I understand why and agree with your reasons.

I will just throw this out there: the person who wrote that was obviously someone who didn't really care too much about truth or facts. You've said before this woman had questionable motives and boundaries.

As inappropriate, hurtful and disrespectful as this all is, please consider the source. You and the girls are absolutely in the right and handled it beautifully. Yes, you are better people.

xoxoxo

[job]

I agree w/bttrfly. Consider the source and then let it go.

[roist]

I like the message ye left. As for the rest, leave the circus to the monkeys!

Enjoy your mud run.