I had my second meeting for Divorce Care last night. I'm still not sold on it. There's a lot of focus on going through the program, and we always seem rushed when it comes to open discussions with the members. Maybe it's just my group. I'll give it at least one more try.
I'm starting to realize a lot of my pain has to do with rejection. It's not so much that I lost my STBXW, but that she no longer wanted me. It's an insult to my ego. I wasn't good enough, so I was discarded. That really hurts, considering my STBXW was the one who always treated me like an underling in the MR. Like I said, I probably should have left years ago. But my strong sense of commitment kept me stuck in a rotten R.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just playing sour grapes with myself. Like maybe the only way to save my ego is to see all the bad things in the R, and to reframe things in a harsher light. "Maybe it's for the best. She was bad to me anyway." Thoughts?
Last week my IC said it's not codependent of me to want to find someone new. It's a basic human need, and it's normal. So I think I'm going to have my eyes open for new R opportunities. Every guy I've talked to said they dated too soon after D. But maybe it's part of the process of getting to a better place, as long as I'm not trying to "use" anyone along the way.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just playing sour grapes with myself. Like maybe the only way to save my ego is to see all the bad things in the R, and to reframe things in a harsher light. "Maybe it's for the best. She was bad to me anyway." Thoughts?
I'm definitely guilty of this. It's really a mechanism we use to make coping with it easier. I think it is called "synthetic happiness", i.e. we are convincing ourselves that we are better off.
Ultimately I think we would have left our M if it was THAT bad for us. I think it was most likely at least mediocre but we personally didn't have the right conversation tools to make it better. Every long-term R is going to require a sh1tton of work from both. Don't expect to jump into another R and it being magically better.
Originally Posted By: Holding
Last week my IC said it's not codependent of me to want to find someone new. It's a basic human need, and it's normal. So I think I'm going to have my eyes open for new R opportunities. Every guy I've talked to said they dated too soon after D. But maybe it's part of the process of getting to a better place, as long as I'm not trying to "use" anyone along the way.
It's not codependent to WANT someone new but you have to ask yourself if it's really what you're after OR if you are trying to fill a void your X left, i.e. you NEED someone new.
The reason why we need time after a breakup is that we just can't select a proper potential partner, since we most of the time come with a need. Thus we might end up selecting someone who is not fully compatible with us and we can't see it until later. Then we are also shifting the emotional pain, which will come back when the rebound realization happens and the new R dies. Rebound relationships CAN obviously work, but I still personally think it's better to learn to be an individual again so you gain back your strength, you have had time to really self-reflect what went wrong, you have corrected the issues, picked new R skills and so on.
I think way too many people rush into dating without using the time to make better version of themselves. Also, they become way too needy and try to build a R directly without dating multiple people. It's just a recipe of a highly potential disaster. Too many people just can't be ALONE. We are not defined by our relationships and we do not need a partner to be happy.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Thanks, LC! This is some good stuff to think about.
Originally Posted By: lcause
I'm definitely guilty of this. It's really a mechanism we use to make coping with it easier. I think it is called "synthetic happiness", i.e. we are convincing ourselves that we are better off.
I didn't know there was a name for this, so thanks. TBH, I've seen divorcees do this before - "Look at me! I'm soooo happy!" I always thought it was pathetic and transparent. Now I'm on the other side of the fence. Hmmm...
Originally Posted By: lcause
Ultimately I think we would have left our M if it was THAT bad for us. I think it was most likely at least mediocre but we personally didn't have the right conversation tools to make it better.
Good point. I guess I never reached my breaking point in the MR, but my STBXW did.
Originally Posted By: lcause
Every long-term R is going to require a sh1tton of work from both. Don't expect to jump into another R and it being magically better.
I don't have any expectations that it will be magically better (but after BD I did fantasize about how great our MR would be if W decided to come back). I do think I need to spend time being very picky with who I allow myself to be close to.
Originally Posted By: lcause
I think way too many people rush into dating without using the time to make better version of themselves. Also, they become way too needy and try to build a R directly without dating multiple people. It's just a recipe of a highly potential disaster. Too many people just can't be ALONE. We are not defined by our relationships and we do not need a partner to be happy.
I agree. I do want to try to date a lot so I can feel like I've really looked at what's out there. I think of it like shopping for shoes: I'm picky about shoes, so I'm gonna go to multiple stores, spend time browsing, and trying on lots of different pairs until I find the one I like.
I'm not (or at least the old me used to not be) one to jump into a R just to be in one. I spent most of my early 20s single. I'd like to think it's a want for me, not a need.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
...lots of different pairs until I find the one I like.
Holding,
The subconscious always gives you away. You won't be able to find the one you like if you're into trying different pairs. But you know, the twin thing is a common fantasy (although I've never given it any thought myself). Tisk tisk.
Every guy I've talked to said they dated too soon after D. But maybe it's part of the process of getting to a better place, as long as I'm not trying to "use" anyone along the way.
I don't think I dated too soon, but I do think I dated too much. Everyone will tell you to slow down, do this, do that, but there are some things you just need to figure out for yourself. As Rod Stewart said "you have to learn, just like me, and that's the hardest way"
I will say that I had a major fear prior to D that I wouldn't be able to find anyone to date -- not because there would be no one available, but because I wouldn't be able to find anyone who would be as well matched to me as W was. Everyone told me dating would be no problem but I didn't believe them.
Dating was no problem.
Take care of yourself and don't borrow trouble from the future, you've got enough to deal with today!
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I've been thinking about the stages of grief. I've read that bargaining comes after anger, although I know the stages aren't necessarily sequential. What would the bargaining stage look like for us? I kinda feel like I've already been through bargaining, immediately after BD, when I tried to do all the things to show my STBXW how much I wanted her and our M.
Last night my STBXW quickly informed me she'll need knee surgery (again, it's a recurring problem), and she'd get a female friend to take her to the appointment. At first I just responded "ok". But I realized I did actually feel bad for her. And as my anger's cooled off, I can see how I've treated her very cold ever since she said she decided on D. This cold person is not who I want to be.
So a few minutes later when she came back in the room, I said "Hey, even with everything going on between us, I do feel bad for you." She didn't respond, but I didn't really say it expecting any response from her. I said it so I could feel good about myself.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
The bargaining stage is characterized by attempting to negotiate with a higher power or someone or something you feel, whether realistically or not, that has some control over the situation. You may make promises to God in return for the painful situation not to occur or for things to go back to how they were before the loss or change.
And a belated thanks to Doodler, who always manages to find the innuendo in any situation.
Holding,
Sorry about the innuendo. Your wife sounds as if she's similar to my XW, but I don't know what to tell you because I'm still trying to figure it out for myself. Thus, the innuendo.
Regarding your grief, don't be too hard on yourself; you're probably not a cold person at all. Give yourself some time process everything.
After separation, I was hard on myself for getting into a relationship with a woman that had such a difficult childhood. It took me a while to realize that I didn't know much about the bad things that happened during her childhood until well after we were married. I know that sounds ridiculous, but we'd been married long enough that I hadn't really thought about when I'd learned about the various abuses that she suffered. After I realized that I couldn't have known the extent of her abuse it was easier to come to terms with my own shortcomings and not beat myself up for things I couldn't have taken into consideration.
