Living in limbo and hating it

[sandi2]

Great advice LiM but HOW HOW HOW do you work to detach? Was there anything in particular that helped you? I know WHAT I need to do but don't seem to have a roadmap to get there.

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
_________________________

[Painful]

Thank you Sandi. I know it's belated but I didn't see your post until now; been reading other threads but apparently ignoring my own .

Update : I feel I'm more detached but still think about the sitch almost daily especially when I see D11. Communication w WW is minimal at most and only re D11. It's obvious we're becoming more and more strangers with every passing day. Is this normal to become strangers so quickly after 12 years of marriage? How would the talk of potential R be even possible down the road when we're COMPLETELY estranged?

Question for you and others (probably mostly women - Blu, 25 & others) on how to properly handle a couple of things with WW:

Less Important: in the last couple of weeks she sent 2 catalog purchases to my (formerly marital) address. I'm not sure if it's because she feels they may disappear if left at apartment complex where she now lives or because she wants cc billing and shipping addresses to be the same. I gave the packages to her when I saw her at D exchanges. I see it as a tiny favor and not a big deal. I don't particularly want to have that discussion as I don't think it's worth it. Is it being too soft or doormat-ish? Do you think it needs to be addressed with her to not send it here or just leave it alone?

More important: Our annual car insurance renewal is coming up at the end of this month. I want to kick her off it and tell her to get her own. She obviously will be very "unhappy" as she's not used to paying for it for the last 12+ years. Keep in mind that I cut her off completely with everything else other than D's extracurricular activities and medical insurance. Currently she's not asking for child support, alimony or any other financial help either out of pride or stupidity or not wanting to p--s me off and lose plan B. What do you think is the best way to approach this conversation and potential fallout? Thank you.

[sandi2]

I would just ask her why she's having her purchases sent to your address.

About the car .....is it in your name, or both names? If so, then I suggest you protect yourself by keeping it covered by insurance.

[Painful]

About the car .....is it in your name, or both names? If so, then I suggest you protect yourself by keeping it covered by insurance.

The car is in her name only but it doesn't matter; ownership and insurance are 2 independent things (at least in our state). The car MUST be covered by state law and to protect assets in case of MVA. The question is how to tell her to get her own coverage for the car she's driving without a possible s--tshow.

[Painful]

I would just ask her why she's having her purchases sent to your address.

I could but I don't really want to have that conversation unless I decide that it's unacceptable for her to do that regardless of the reason. I personally don't feel it's a big deal one way or the other but I wanted to get the vets' and/or female perspective to see if it comes across as her disrespecting me, doormat-ish, pathetic, temp-checking, etc.

[Painful]

ANNIVERSARY QUESTION.

Hi All - I'd imagine this question has been answered in some threads before but I haven't seen it. So the question for all the vets as well as newbies going thru theses hard times right now. WHAT DO WE DO REGARDING OUR ANNIVERSARIES? Mine is tomorrow so would greatly appreciate opinions.

In the years past (except for last year when things started to unravel) my WW and I celebrated the date by going out to fancy expensive restaurants with continuing "partying" in the BDR. On one hand I completely understand that she no longer feels emotionally or physically connected with me and our M as we knew it is dead (even though we're still legally married and there's no talk of a D). OTOH, it's still her history and certainly a pleasant one no matter the current M condition. Right now we're civil in a cold way and have a very limited contact at daughter exchanges. I'd like to acknowledge the anniversary in some way -- is it being weak and in denial of the current sitch OR does it show strength and character that shows I am willing to rise above the craziness of today? I'm positive she still remembers that day as the one of the best in her life - wouldn't it be worth it to remind her of the happy days in our M to possibly lessen her resentment and rebellion and crack the R door ever so slightly? Or will it have the opposite effect?

I really can't make up my mind and keep going back and forth with pros and cons of each side. I'm ready for either 2X4s if you need to send some or an encouragement to make some move. If anyone is in favor of acknowledging it, how would you suggest I handle it?

[Maika]

How would it benefit YOU to acknowledge the anniversary? Forget her and what the date means to her and blah blah blah.

You're focusing too much on how she will react. Forget about her right now. If the anniversary was so important for her, wouldn't she have tried to work on the MR? I'm just saying. It's just a date - for reals.

I had my anniversary two months back and I didn't plan on acknowledging it. W msged me saying something like she didn't think we'd be here - separated. So I acknowledged it and moved on. I didn't initiate it.

A text or even in-person acknowledgment of this isn't going to somehow make any difference in your sitch. It's a small thing.
If you do acknowledge it, don't expect any thing to happen or change.

I'd err on the side of not acknowledging it.

[Painful]

How would it benefit YOU to acknowledge the anniversary? Forget her and what the date means to her and blah blah blah.

Thank you M. True, I shouldn't worry what the date means to her. But the date is one of the best days of MY life as well. It always meant a lot to me to be sure to celebrate it, so maybe that's why I'm thinking (probably overthinking) about it and wanting to reach out to WW.

A text or even in-person acknowledgment of this isn't going to somehow make any difference in your sitch. It's a small thing. If you do acknowledge it, don't expect any thing to happen or change.

Again very true M. And I definitely wouldn't bank on anything right now. I'm just thinking it might nudge her to the future IF things start to turn around in her mind.

I'd err on the side of not acknowledging it.

Somehow I FEEL the opposite - that there isn't too much downside and yet there is a potential upside. I might be totally wrong though. That's why I wanted to have opinions shared, and I appreciate yours, M. Do you think it would come across as being needy, weak, hanging-on and other behaviors we aren't supposed to show WW?

[TBSakaJ9]

Pain....only you know your sitch that said my anniversary was last month and I didn't say a word and my W did not reach out to me.

My thought process was that she left, doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me why on earth would I acknowledge it????

What would you say? When I ran the scenarios in my head I didn't think it put me in a favorable position.

[leahsue]

I'm going to say don't acknowledge it, at least not to her.

Since it is a special day for YOU, maybe treat yourself to some radical self-care. Do something that's fun for you, call a friend and treat friend to a nice dinner, see a movie, but above all, plan the day to be as full as possible, so your mind doesn't have a chance to go there.

My 13th was a week ago today, and neither of us acknowledged it. He must have remembered at some point in the night, b/c the next morning I had a text that said "I totally $ucked up, and I am so sorry."

Not really anything I needed to say back to that. And I've not heard from him since, except for a missed phone call Saturday night (probably to check on the house due to Hurricane Nate) but no message or text when I didn't take the call.

I think based on DB principles, it's best to not contact her. If it means anything to her, she will message, but I wouldn't have any expectations. And anything you do towards her will be seen as pursuit and probably not accepted in a positive light.

It sux, I know. Believe me, I know.