Living in limbo and hating it

[TxHubby]

TxHubby,

Wth? Did you even read my post in detail??? I know you're one of the vets so I don't mean to be rude.

I never hid the A from anyone. Unfortunately I was asleep at the wheel and was the last one to find out about it. What I said in my original post that his W (now XW) had known about for some time and didn't tell me. Who the h*** knows why. I, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAD NO IDEA until 1/17 after W already had an apartment rented and informed me she wanted to separate. My guess is his XW's reasoning was that if I found out early on then my W and I would separate and my W would go after her husband with a vengeance. I assume she was hoping to end their A by threatening to leave and it backfired on her.

Both W's family and OM's family know about it. Both sides are adamantly against it and I know tried to end it by talking, screaming and yelling at them (separately) on many occasions and yet it only seemed to strengthen their resolve and "soulmate" feelings. Again, looks like "us v. the world" at its finest.

In what way do you see me being a doormat? All the neediness and sappiness I only express on this board. WW NEVER sees any of it during our brief interactions. A realistic advice would a lot more helpful instead.

Sorry if I'm wrong but I think I read you're keeping her secret from your child? Hasn't the child asked why you're not living together? If so, did you lie to them? That's all I was talking about. That was a mistake of his ex to keep the secret. That never works. If anything, it allows A's to fester unfettered. Rarely can they survive the light of day without one, or both, of the betrayed spouses enabling it.

At this point all you can do is the hard 180 and be the best version of yourself you can. Don't give a cheating spouse that moved out any head space. Live for yourself and the kid. Do that right and she'll notice. Especially since her AP is such a loser.

[Painful]

Hey everyone,

I see many people reply with the initial message in the "frame" above. Sometimes it's the whole message and sometime it's just parts that need to be answered. How do I do it?

Also, what is the difference b/w reply and quick reply or quote and quick quote?

Thanks.

[LiM]

Hey everyone,

I see many people reply with the initial message in the "frame" above. Sometimes it's the whole message and sometime it's just parts that need to be answered. How do I do it?

Also, what is the difference b/w reply and quick reply or quote and quick quote?

Thanks.

You mean like this?
This is the quote feature. By default, it selects everything. If you don't want to quote the entire previous message, you just delete out what you don't want included.
Reply and Quote give you full formatting options (italics, bold, smiley face, etc).
Quick replay and Quick quote don't give you formatting options.

[Painful]

Hi Painful, I wish I could tell you how to wipe those thoughts out of your head. Who do you have to vent your stress and thoughts? Have you considered talking to a counselor who might be able to advise you?

There were more people earlier like family and friends. But as time goes by, they become less and less interested in rehashing the same sitch plus I don't want to upset them even more than what they went through when the A was first uncovered. Currently I see a counselor once per week where we talk about the sitch and my frustrations but his "help" seem to only last a short time.

[Painful]

Do you have your daughter every weekend? That seems a bit unfair, IMHO. Maybe that's better for D11, IDK, but it sure seems convenient for the lovers. Have you considered rescheduling where you can have a free weekend sometimes?

I was thinking about it too. But the WW complains that I'm not pulling 50/50 since she has her 5days/6nights and I only have her 2days/1 night per week. Granted during school year her "days" consist of 1 hour in the morning and 3-4 hours at night while I basically have D11 from Sat morning to Sun night. I don't know if changing the days would "inconvenience" WW and OM as he would just stay there on the weeknights when D isn't there.

[/quote]Btw, don't be too sure D11 hasn't figured out, or suspects, what's going on. Kids these days are pretty sharp about those type of things. [/quote]

Possible, who knows for sure? She might've figured something out but I highly doubt she knows who it is. D11 knows OM from our "old" life and I don't think she would've been able to keep it a secret from me. Sometimes I ask her in different ways if Mom had someone over at the apartment and she never once mentioned him. I also had a talk with her about lying or hiding things from Dad, and she seems adamant that she isn't.

[/quote]Do you financially support your W in any way?[/quote]

Great question; I forgot to mention this in my initial post. From the beginning we had separate finances. She only run a part time cash business and used her money for her shopping (clothing, shoes, etc). I paid all of the household expenses from my income including CC that she used for any family charges. Before she moved out I took all the CC and currently she's completely on her own. The only thing I continue to pay for are D's extracurricular activities, summer camps, and a few misc items. I also continue to pay for the whole family's health insurance as I don't want to go thru a mess of separating insurance accounts and/or having W lapse hers and needing a doctor or ER visit. Since we're still officially M I believe Id be on the hook for any potential med. charges.

[Painful]

Hey everyone,

I see many people reply with the initial message in the "frame" above. Sometimes it's the whole message and sometime it's just parts that need to be answered. How do I do it?

Also, what is the difference b/w reply and quick reply or quote and quick quote?

Thanks.

You mean like this?
This is the quote feature. By default, it selects everything. If you don't want to quote the entire previous message, you just delete out what you don't want included.
Reply and Quote give you full formatting options (italics, bold, smiley face, etc).
Quick replay and Quick quote don't give you formatting options.

Thanks LiM. It partially worked to address the first question but then I tried to answer other questions and then it didn't work even though I've seen people's posts like that. I.e. part of the original msg in the frame --> answer --> another part of the original msg in a frame --> answer, etc.

Would you please lmk how to do it that way? Thank you again.

[Painful]

Dont be too hard on OM's W for not telling you. I also did not expose the A to OM's W. My reasoning was that I thought he would just go away and my W and I would begin to work on our issues. ALONE. I also wanted to spare OM's W from the devastation I was going through. Was that the right decision? I don't know. Not doing so allowed the A to continue when I thought we were working on our R. But it certainly could have continued even if I did tell his W. She could have kicked him out and he could have moved in with my W. There is just no way of knowing.

It's too late to be mad at her anyway. Obviously no one knows what would've happened had she told me right away but it certainly wouldn't have been worse. Best case scenario she and I would've busted the A by attacking it from both sides at the same time and before the APs got deeper and deeper into their limerence OR at worst our separation would've happened quite a bit earlier.

[Painful]

Wth? Did you even read my post in detail??? I know you're one of the vets so I don't mean to be rude.

I never hid the A from anyone. Unfortunately I was asleep at the wheel and was the last one to find out about it. What I said in my original post that his W (now XW) had known about for some time and didn't tell me. Who the h*** knows why. I, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAD NO IDEA until 1/17 after W already had an apartment rented and informed me she wanted to separate. My guess is his XW's reasoning was that if I found out early on then my W and I would separate and my W would go after her husband with a vengeance. I assume she was hoping to end their A by threatening to leave and it backfired on her.

Both W's family and OM's family know about it. Both sides are adamantly against it and I know tried to end it by talking, screaming and yelling at them (separately) on many occasions and yet it only seemed to strengthen their resolve and "soulmate" feelings. Again, looks like "us v. the world" at its finest.

In what way do you see me being a doormat? All the neediness and sappiness I only express on this board. WW NEVER sees any of it during our brief interactions. A realistic advice would a lot more helpful instead.

Sorry if I'm wrong but I think I read you're keeping her secret from your child? Hasn't the child asked why you're not living together? If so, did you lie to them? That's all I was talking about. That was a mistake of his ex to keep the secret. That never works. If anything, it allows A's to fester unfettered. Rarely can they survive the light of day without one, or both, of the betrayed spouses enabling it.

At this point all you can do is the hard 180 and be the best version of yourself you can. Don't give a cheating spouse that moved out any head space. Live for yourself and the kid. Do that right and she'll notice. Especially since her AP is such a loser.

Ohh - you were talking about our D11? I thought you meant that I was hiding it from others. No, we didn't tell our D about her Mom's A. We told her that Mom and Dad are having issues and cannot live together for right now. Forgive me - and I'd love to get other vets' opinions - but I highly doubt telling the truth to D11 would've changed anything or caused the WW to see how wrong she was.

Don't give a cheating spouse that moved out any head space. --> That's my main issue as I described in my first post. While I do 180 (not sure id it's hard enough or not), try to detach, limit any contact other than re D11, my head rebels against our separation and losing the family by me not being able to stop those thoughts.

Do that right and she'll notice. - Could you elaborate? What is doing it right v. doing it wrong? Thanks.

[Painful]

Work hard to detach yourself from the neediness. Once you've done that, you have really begun to move on from your W which is imperative. She HAS to see that she has lost the better man.

Great advice LiM but HOW HOW HOW do you work to detach? Was there anything in particular that helped you? I know WHAT I need to do but don't seem to have a roadmap to get there.

[LiM]

Right now, detaching will be the most difficult thing you have to learn to do. Its HARD and I wish I could give you simple steps to accomplish this. I can't.

The best thing you can do is work on your GAL. ANYTHING you can do to take your mind of the sitch will help. I just tried to keep myself as busy as possible. Anytime you can be in a environment interacting with other people (that don't know about your sitch), you will be in a place where you aren't actively thinking about it. Do that as much as possible.