So something to add to my last post (I'll try to keep this shorter). I had a talk with S10 later that night, after I had pulled myself together and left the closet.
S10 was very upset about the D. He's been talking about it more since he saw the IC. So he starts laying out for me all of his concerns. The whole convo really broke my heart.
He said he thinks God saw that his life was too happy and wanted to take something away from him. He feels like he just can't be happy any more. I told him it's hard to see now, but he can be happy in the future. I told him God doesn't work that way, and he actually agreed to go to church with me this weekend (he usually hates going).
I started crying and he asked me why his mommy never cries. I told him he needed to talk to her about that. (I know it's all part of her facade, but it's starting to make S10 think she doesn't care.)
He told me he's scared to talk to mommy or tell her things that might upset her - he's afraid she'll get mad. I can now see how this is W using her anger to control people.
He asked me why we were getting a D. I've already gone down the path of telling him that this wasn't my decision, so I decided to try something my IC suggested. I told him there were things both his mommy and I had done to hurt the M. He wanted to know what I had done, and I decided to tell him some mistakes I made (not being affectionate enough, not going on dates enough with her, not saying ILY enough). I figured this was an opportunity for me to teach him some important things about showing love to someone. I told him he should try to remember these things when he's older and with someone.
Then he told me he's afraid the same thing (D) would happen to him when he's older. That hit me so hard that I couldn't really come up with a good response. I just hugged him and told him I loved him.
I have so much anger for W. This D is going to really mess up my kids. It's hard to not feel responsible in part for what's happening to them.
Like they say, it's a marathon, not a sprint. But this marathon is for me and my kids. My W is no longer a participant.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Holding, Feeling so much pain for your S10 right now, and of course, for you. How WONDERFUL, though, that he can open up and have that kind of conversation with you. I think you handled it beautifully. Sometimes there ARE no more words, just hugs. And those are moments that will turn him into the kind of man that you are- a good, kind man who loves his family.
You hang in there. Praying for your sitch and also the devastation to your area from Harvey. The photos from TV are just heart-wrenching.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
You're a good man, holding, and you're doing right by your kids. Hold on to that. Thinking about that will keep you going when you can't go anymore.
I know what you mean about the anger. My STBXW is a master of that game, too. I was (maybe still am) afraid of her temper, and when she gets mad, I STILL feel bad and have to fight the urge to try to do something to make her feel better. Recognizing that it's manipulation in and of itself isn't something I've really thought about. I don't know if I can be doodler, and send the anger right back at her, but I'm hoping that being more aware of it helps. Thanks for posting about it, man.
Standing up for yourself was good -- it's also a great example for your kids to see you stand up to her and not be steamrolled. She will stop treating you that way when she learns it doesn't work.
Also good for you not to play her game. When she said never mind you said okay instead of taking the bait.
Excellent job with your son too. The fact that bad things happen and you can still have a wonderful life is a good lesson for him to learn.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Anyway, W was trying to go to the grocery to get supplies, and she called me from the driveway to say her car was not starting and she needed me to jump-start it. She had this problem with her car before her trip to Europe, and she never took care of it. I'm thinking to myself, this is the perfect opportunity for her to see what life will be like without me. I was also taken aback by the way she seemed to be angry while asking for my help. I reluctantly decided I would do it if she would be able to ask me in a nice way.
Personally I think you handled this poorly. First of all, why do you think she was angry with you, or angry at all? That's just mind-reading. Maybe she was just really frustrated, after all there was a natural disaster going on and in the middle of it her car won't start. If you felt she was asking angrily, a validating thing to do would have been to say "Are you angry at me? It sounds like it, but maybe you're just frustrated?" Jumping to the conclusion that she is angry and acting out accordingly is classic passive/aggressive behavior.
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So I ask her if she's sure it's her battery. She told me the sounds it was making and was getting frustrated. This is the classic rescue situation she sets up, where she's frustrated with a problem and I would always swoop in to help her and fix things.
Am I understanding right, you were in the house and she was out in the driveway? Why wouldn't you just go out there?
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I also said she needs to communicate clearly if she wants something from me and not play guilt games.
But she DID communicate clearly, here is what you wrote:
"she called me from the driveway to say her car was not starting and she needed me to jump-start it"
What is confusing about that? This all comes off as you trying to punish her, not as you standing up for yourself. And I imagine that's exactly how she sees it.
I'm not trying to beat you up, I mean we do counsel to give the WAS time and space. But I think your timing was all wrong, it was kind of an emergency situation and she did ask you for help, you should have provided it. It's different if she doesn't ask for help and you keep trying to help anyway, that's pursuit. But in this case she asked.
I can't remember if there is an OM in your sitch. If there is, then you shouldn't help. WW knows exactly who is dependable. And she needs to learn to depend on OM to see that he isn't someone who can be depended on. Now if the OM is not in the picture, then help out. But being nice and always available will not help you in winning back your spouse who is chasing OM.
Tread, I believe there is an OM, but it may be long distance (unless there are multiple OMs).
AS, you always do a good job of holding my feet to the fire, and I appreciate your efforts. You make me think hard about my actions and motivations.
My wife's anger is something I can easily detect. It comes out in her tone of voice very readily. That said, I did make an assumption that she was angry with me instead of the situation. That assumption colored my approach, but I did still have a willingness to help her if she asked me. For the record, she did not ask me, she said she needed me to do it. Her barking orders at me is a longstanding issue in our M, and I've repeatedly asked her to stop.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Then you should leave her to fend for herself. My W would end upon situations and call me for help. And then OM would get treated like some God for doing nothing. If I had to do this all over again. I wouldn't have she's a single tear in front of her. And told her to call ON if he so much better.
