Finding my way out of the dark - Part 3

[Holding]

Hey Acc. I've tried to leave room in my heart for the possibility of reconciliation. But it's gotten too painful for me. At this point if she showed true remorse, I'm not sure I would be able to go back.

So yes. I'm looking for support with the divorce process.

[Accuray]

Perfectly fine holding, just wanted to clarify -- you're doing great, stay strong!

[Holding]

Thanks, Acc. For a second there I thought y'all were going to blackball me

I've realized a big hurdle for me in the process is facing my wife's rage. I've always known she's had a very mean side, and I'm starting to realize how much of that I'm going to face in the near future.

[OwnIt]

Fearing her is just another way to stay tied to her. Realistically what is she going to do to you? Let this go with everything else and move on.

[Holding]

You're right, OwnIt. I actually do fear her. I need to face that fear for myself, not only to get through this, but to grow as a person.

[doodler]

I've realized a big hurdle for me in the process is facing my wife's rage. I've always known she's had a very mean side, and I'm starting to realize how much of that I'm going to face in the near future.

holding,

My wife (now ex-wife) used (and still uses) her anger to control people. She's very good at it. I paid careful attention to how she's able to control and manipulate through fear. I started using her techniques on her, but I'm juiced them up a few notches. That got her attention.

I don't like being mean and nasty, but I needed her to understand that I could match anything that she could hand me and I'd raise the bar. She knows I won't back-down and that makes life a lot easier for me. I went from passive pleaser to pissy pugilist (metaphorically) in a short amount of time. And it was good.

[Holding]

Thanks for the advice, doodler. I am not a naturally angry person, by any stretch of the imagination, so putting on those shoes is very weird for me. But after reading the NG book, I realize that it's something I need to explore more. Any tips on how I can do that? How did you use your W's techniques on her?

So this reminds me of an interaction I had with my W from 2 days ago. Our area has been hit by Hurricane Harvey, and I've been struggling being in the house with W - had some rough moments in private.

Let me preface this by saying I present this so I can be stronger in dealing with W and the upcoming D.

Anyway, W was trying to go to the grocery to get supplies, and she called me from the driveway to say her car was not starting and she needed me to jump-start it. She had this problem with her car before her trip to Europe, and she never took care of it. I'm thinking to myself, this is the perfect opportunity for her to see what life will be like without me. I was also taken aback by the way she seemed to be angry while asking for my help. I reluctantly decided I would do it if she would be able to ask me in a nice way.

So I ask her if she's sure it's her battery. She told me the sounds it was making and was getting frustrated. This is the classic rescue situation she sets up, where she's frustrated with a problem and I would always swoop in to help her and fix things.

After a moment, she angrily said never mind. I said ok. Then there was about 10 seconds of silence - she didn't hang up. So I just hung up. This was very hard for me. In the past I was always trying to be helpful, and it was REALLY hard for me to sit there and do nothing. It kinda felt wrong.

15 minutes later I noticed that she was still in the car in front of the house. I walked outside and asked her what she was doing. She said she was waiting for BIL to come and fix her car. I said okay and went back in. He came, fixed the car, and they both left.

Later when she came back, while we discussed how her sister and their family would have to stay with us for a few days, she brought up how I refused to help her with her car, then walked out the room. This is a classic tactic for her. Say something, then walk off.

I decided it would be a good thing for me to stand up for myself and clarify that I never refused, because she told me never mind. I also said she needs to communicate clearly if she wants something from me and not play guilt games. She got angry at this suggestion and denied that she was playing any games. She said I was the one that needed to learn how to communicate. Then she said she was not going to argue with me, and told me not to talk to her. I then left the room.

At the time I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to be direct and say what I felt, but in retrospect I think I may have made a mistake by going after her when she walked off. I should not care.

The whole interaction really upset me, and made me realize how messed up this whole sitch is. TBH, when my SIL and her kids showed up later, I went into my room to be alone. I sat on the closet floor, and bawled my eyes out.

After I got it out of my system, I did some reading in the codependency book. It seemed like the right information at the right time. Unfortunately too late to save my M, but not too late to help me survive this D.

(Dang, I wrote another book chapter. Extra points to anyone who made it to the end!)

[LH19]

The whole interaction really upset me, and made me realize how messed up this whole sitch is. TBH, when my SIL and her kids showed up later, I went into my room to be alone. I sat on the closet floor, and bawled my eyes out.

Dude I feel for you. Trust me it will get better. She is going to continue to test you.

Stay strong my friend!

[Holding]

Thanks for the support, LH19. Is your D final? I don't see it in your thread.

[LH19]

No still in the process. I am in a good place though. I am very excited about the life I have in front of me.

You will get there too.