So we are over the 1 week mark - feels like an eternity. He has called a couple of times. Like you @Tobias, I do not know how to take the "i want to want" - i find it troubling and confusing.....
So maybe it's best to stop having these conversations? If theres nothing positive coming out of it for you, then stop doing it.
Originally Posted By: Island
I know I need to disconnect, but i don't know how to. I don't want to sound too happy with the things I have been doing
Uh....why not? You want him to know that you need him? I promise that isnt particularly attractive. Happy people are far more attractive than mopey, needy ones.
Originally Posted By: Island
I don't want him to think I am moving on
And again...why not?
Originally Posted By: Island
I just feel like maybe I am some kind of safety blanket for him - if he doesn't like this new life he can come back to the good old wife who loves him.....
Exactly this....so why are you portraying yourself as being OK with this?
FEAR - fear is the answer - I am clinging on to whatever small iota is left of us. I am scared that there really is never any going back, that things can't be fixed. He says we wont know until he has had help sorting himself out...... but the fear exists.....
I am fine when I am out with my friends - not having to fake it, i genuinely enjoy their company...... I miss sharing the stories with him..... I miss hearing about his day.
I think I am just on a major downer atm as our anniversary looms - dont know whether I should acknowledge it with him or just act like its another day.......
FEAR - fear is the answer - I am clinging on to whatever small iota is left of us. I am scared that there really is never any going back, that things can't be fixed. He says we wont know until he has had help sorting himself out...... but the fear exists.....
I am fine when I am out with my friends - not having to fake it, i genuinely enjoy their company...... I miss sharing the stories with him..... I miss hearing about his day.
I think I am just on a major downer atm as our anniversary looms - dont know whether I should acknowledge it with him or just act like its another day.......
Hi Island,
I feel very similar to yourself. I also have an anniversary coming. 18th of August would have been our FIRST wedding anniversary. 6 Months after getting married it ended. After 9 years in total.
Its absolutely brutal.
There is no hiding that.
But if you can find a way to understand that the world happens FOR you, rather than TOO you, you can find a deeper purpose behind every event no matter how bad, and use it for positive growth.
If you are true to yourself and actually truly believe in yourself. Just stay true to your core ethics, your partner will come back based on you being the truest version of yourself and the return will be authentic. If he doesnt, more than likely you will always remember him fondly, but the event wont have the impact it had previously as you are more focused on the growth aspect of the experience.
So its been a month since I last posted - nothing new; no good, no bad news, which I suppose is good news in a way.
We have had a few tense conversations over the last month, to the point where I told him that I think we need to talk less as I was getting anxious on the days he was due to call and it was effecting me negatively. He would tell me about him, how hard things were for him then say he had to go - I would say ok then, but the way I am fine...... he would then rant that he was going to ask!!! I did point out in an email that normally that part comes before the person says goodbye! He responded to that email that he is struggling and knows he can be selfish which he doesnt mean to be and he will try harder. He also told me that he does love me and misses me - I did not respond.
We now speak twice a week which seems to be working well and conversations are much easier. There have been a few calls where he has been in tears - no reason I am aware off, just says he feels like he can't go on and isn't happy. I am not sure what to say to him when he says that - I want to tell him to be strong, that I am there for him, but I don't want to push him away with me talking about us.
He says he has been to see a doc, and was told he thinks he suffering with depression and they offered him some medication. He didn't like that idea, so has been back to the GP. The GP recommended having some blood tests run for hormone levels and for him to see a therapist - maybe this is for the best.
I am doing well at GAL - i have set up a gym in my garage and a couple of friends pop over most evenings and we do a HIIT session before walking our dogs as a group. We have a weekly beach walk with the dogs too which is lovely.
I miss my H but days have definitely got easier. I sometimes drift off wondering how, and if we can ever reconcile with a whole ocean between us - is it even possible?
I try not to talk "relationship" stuff on the phone - he has had the separation agreement which we agreed on with the lawyer before he left, but he still has not signed or returned it. I don't know whether this is a good or bad thing.
He has started asking me how I am rather than forgetting altogether and he has said that he misses me on the last couple of calls. It gives me hope, however, I have not said it back and he has been the one to bring it up.
I am feeling stronger - happy in a way but not deep down. I think if he was to finally cut the cords i would be able to cope however, my wish is that he can find his way out of this fog and back to me.
Island, try not to read anything into the separation contract business. Mine tells me often how he can't stand me and wants to be divorced asap, but I've been waiting on his response to the fully negotiated and drafted separation contract for 10 months now.
At least he is seeing a physician, acknowledging the depression, and taking something for it.
I think you are doing marvelously. Getting together with friends, enjoying the dogs, walks on the beach, working out.... good for you.
Maybe with the help of a therapist and GP he can get his act together. The fact that you're not around, and he's still not happy will maybe make him realize that HE'S the one who is screwed up, not his marriage.
Keep on the way you are. If, though the help of the therapist or GP, he acknowledges his fault in the collapse of your marriage, maybe you can make things work. You are doing the right things.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
So I have taken a backwards step - why is it always the seemingly small things in life that hit us hardest.
Today I went on my husbands facebook page - I will get to that....... he had emailed a couple of times last week, on days we were supposed to speak to say he was in a dark place and didn't feel up to talking. He said he also had the flu, and couldn't leave the house and felt very low. I acknowledged his emails and just said I was there when he did feel up to it. At the end of the week, I really needed some information regarding the apartment that is for sale. I had emailed him - no response, so I had no option but to call. Due to the time difference, it was a bit later on for him. He answered and sounded odd. He sounded odd as he had been putting off contacting me as "he was so upset and in a dark place" but had managed to pull himself enough together to go to the pub.
I didn't say anything, but maybe he could tell by my voice, but I felt conned. Too ill to speak to me.... too sad and broken to speak to me..... but well enough to go to the pub? He said he would call the next day and give me the information I needed.
When he called the next day, again he sounded cagey. He was out with his cousin and said he was going to be spending the weekend with them - asked if he could call me Monday. I said no problem.
Monday - no call, so I called him when I was home from work. Was a bit late for him, but thought not too late. He rejected the call - he messaged that he was in the cinema. He sent a message asking if everything was ok - i did not respond.
Tuesday - He called briefly to say he was still with his cousin but he would get the information tomorrow. He asked why I didn't respond to his message - I replied that he couldn't have been that concerned as he didn't follow up or return my call to check if everything was ok. That's when I believe he lied to me. He said he had tried to Whats app call me when he left the cinema - yet I had no missed calls registered on my phone.
Today - Today I went on his FB page...... he has removed every picture and post from the last 8 years..... its like his life here on this island, his life with me never existed. Not sure why it has effected me so much - but a little more of me broke and died when I saw it. I feel like he is erasing me - yet doesnt want to divorce me.... just leaves me in limbo and I don't understand why.
I am the only person he has told that he is seeking help - he doesnt want his parents to know as he doesnt want to worry them. He hasnt told his friends because of the stigma associated with depression - He says I am the only one that knows...... I am now wondering if he is even seeing a doc, or is it just something he says to me; but if thats the case, I cant understand the reasons why......
Why tell me your too ill/low/upset to talk then go to the pub and spend the weekend out enjoying yourself? When did I become the enemy and why....?
I have been doing OK up until now - went out with friends this weekend and had fun - but then got thrown off kilter when a friend of a friend (i'd never met him before) asked me to dinner. He seemed like a nice guy, but even though I am separated, in my head and heart i am still married - but it was nice to know that someone out there thinks your attractive enough to ask.
He is due to call me tonight with the apartment info I have been waiting on - i no longer know what to say to him. I feel like he is leading me a merry dance and Like a fool I am dancing to his tune. I love him; all I want to know is why he is being so cruel, why not just end it if he wants no trace of me left in his life..... why continue to tell little lies from such a distance, what has he got to gain?
Please stop looking at FB (we've all done it!) but it doesn't help. You can see what they are posting or removing, but not why or what they are really thinking...it could just as likely be that he feels depressed and undeserving of those 8 years, or all kinds of other craziness. And if you're playing 'guess the crazy'? You're going to make assumptions based on your mindset at any given moment and it stops you detaching.
You know there is a merry dance going on...he will do whatever he's going to do...you can't stop him dancing but you can step away from the dance as much as you can. There are some good links from Cadet on detaching emotionally as well as practically. It's hard to do when someone lives in your head as your H, I know (I've been rubbish at it), but it is necessary for your survival and sanity.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Please stop looking at FB (we've all done it!) but it doesn't help. You can see what they are posting or removing, but not why or what they are really thinking...it could just as likely be that he feels depressed and undeserving of those 8 years, or all kinds of other craziness.
I agree with "Stop looking at FB." Block him. For your own sake, so you can't just snoop easily without jumping through hoops. I also agree with "there can be more than one reason."
I didn't delete posts on FB, but I DID hide the pictures from the timeline and move them into an album that's not public so I don't ever have to see them.
