Gordie: one year after b d and still alive #10

[Gordie]

AndrewP,

I read that from Jack many months ago and thank you for bringing it back to my attention. Wow, it means so much more to me now. I think I need to re read that one every month. I think a lot of the advice I got here for the first few months did not sink in at all; I was still in shock.

Ownit,

I think of that too--is my situation worse or better and in general think I have it better but maybe those are just my own rose colored glasses--so much heartbreak in so many different flavors and hard to really know the path others tread.

I think the advice to be less introspective and focus on living and living one day at a time is wise, but it's hard for me. I am constantly thinking about my situation. Even pleasurable activities get interrupted with these thoughts and scenarios and what ifs. You are right. This enhances my unhappiness.

Can I make it one more day? Yes! From the bottom of my broken heart, thank you.

***

Re my situation, since the latest b d, no mention of d again and with my distancing, w is back to being extra nice. W said she wanted to go public. I said the kids deserve to be the first to hear. And no follow up action this week. I have stopped doing stuff just for her and started doing more stuff just for me. Baby steps. I am a slow learner.

[HaWho]

Gordie - I have been right where you are. The thing is: she is so unhappy that nothing is going to feel "right." After BD 2 I pretzeled myself like a contortionist to try to save my m. But what ailed my h was an ever moving target. MLCers have no idea what their needs really are. The problems are too deep and primal. A date night won't fix it.

And then, as is written, they get worse long before they get better. (If they are even going to do the work to get better.)

So, how do we go into survival mode with a live - in? Detach. Treat her as a house guest. And then GAL. GAL with kids looks different depending on the ages of the kids. If they are old enough, get out of the house. For me, I started with massive physical exertion: rugged hikes, a return to tennis and lots and lots of walking. It saved me. If the kids are too young, GAL could be: board games, bike rides, playing music, etc. You can GAL with a present live - in! You have 5 kids so maybe the older ones can watch the younger ones for a little bit while you get some air for an hour?

You can do this!

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{Gordie}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry to read what's been going on for your lately. You're right to do all you've been doing. As others have said, she's lost right now. Who knows how far she will have to go. All you can do is protect yourself, your children and keep GAL activities.

xoxoxoxo

[Gordie]

HaWho: I have been right where you are. The thing is: she is so unhappy that nothing is going to feel "right." After BD 2 I pretzeled myself like a contortionist to try to save my m. But what ailed my h was an ever moving target. MLCers have no idea what their needs really are. The problems are too deep and primal. A date night won't fix it.

G: Wow, pretzeling! Yes, I feel like I have tried everything yet nothing works. Or it works for some period of time and then it stops working. I know I didn't break her and I can't fix her but this is so hard.

HaWho: And then, as is written, they get worse long before they get better. (If they are even going to do the work to get better.) So, how do we go into survival mode with a live - in? Detach. Treat her as a house guest. And then GAL. GAL with kids looks different depending on the ages of the kids. If they are old enough, get out of the house. For me, I started with massive physical exertion: rugged hikes, a return to tennis and lots and lots of walking. It saved me. If the kids are too young, GAL could be: board games, bike rides, playing music, etc. You can GAL with a present live - in! You have 5 kids so maybe the older ones can watch the younger ones for a little bit while you get some air for an hour?

Gordie: I have tried to treat her as a houseguest this week but it's been awkward including times when I feel we are avoiding one another. Each day, we can exchange pleasantries but that's about it, nothing more. GAL--yes, do have little kids so it's been tricky as they are usually in my care in the evenings and weekends. This past weekend I made sure to take one hour a day to myself, just to get out of the house and clear my head which actually felt quite nice. I actually have quite a robust life outside of my home and separate from my family which was one of my W's complaints--that I didn't spend enough time with her., but I guess now is not the time to improve in that area.

[SBJ]

Gordie, I have said it before that I don't know what it is like to have a live-in MLC'er, but please know that you are much stronger than you think and that you are doing great even if you feel like you aren't at times.

Stay strong for yourself and for your children. The six of you are your main concerns right now. I am totally convinced that at some point we have to totally drop the spousal rope and live for ourselves and our children. If they decide to play the game again with us down the road then that is a bridge we will cross at that point.

Wait for the Lord, take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the Lord! - Psalm 27:14

[Gordie]

Butterfly and SBJ,

Thank you for the hugs and support. I won't lie. These past two weeks since the latest b d have been rough for me and feel I fell off the d b wagon of being strong and steady. I crave advice and direction as I feel I am in uncharted waters.

Some incidents:

Interaction with w is now at an all time low. After b d she texted a few times to say hello but I was so emotional I couldn't text back. A few days later when I steadied myself, I texted her hello and she didn't text me back. Stalemate.

I continue to do stuff to benefit the family but not things for her specifically. She has noticed this and asked for one specific thing and yes, I did it.

I had to travel for work and I left before w was awake and then she called me later to wish me a good trip. I was surprised.

When we talk, it's friendly housemate stuff, but that's it, no more than a few minutes. No more conversations. Talking with no emotional connection.

One day she picks up my phone in front of me and starts checking my messages. She is snooping on me! I ask why she is doing that. She says I have been acting suspiciously. I say check away. I have never been unfaithful and have nothing to hide. I couldn't believe it!

And what to do about the friend thing? It's definitely in her mind that we will d and still be super friends but I want a w not a friend and have told her that but she doesn't believe my words.

[AndrewP]

Gordie - I think that something that we all lose sight of is that while we've been working our tails off trying to both save ourselves and our marriages that our spouses have not been.

All the work with GAL, detaching etc they know nothing about.

So don't expect her to understand about detaching or boundaries or the short or long term consequences of her actions, nor of your hard work. In her land she very likely doesn't understand / expect / believe that there are any consequences.

What can you do about that? No clue. I tried a dose of reality in April 2016 while she was still here when I set out a budget and plan for her to be on her own. Her response was to fall apart, come to me for comfort and then spend the night with her lover. I then let things drag out for months while they got worse and worse and she kept taking advantage of me until she finally got the nerve to leave on her own.

Your story may be different because there is no current obvious OM but she is still expecting you to stay the same man and to be someone she "owns".

Tough words perhaps and remember that they are coming from someone in a different place than you.

[Gordie]

AP: I think that something that we all lose sight of is that while we've been working our tails off trying to both save ourselves and our marriages that our spouses have not been. All the work with GAL, detaching etc they know nothing about. So don't expect her to understand about detaching or boundaries or the short or long term consequences of her actions, nor of your hard work. In her land she very likely doesn't understand / expect / believe that there are any consequences.

G: We have discussed some of these consequences in our R talks but as you said, no idea what she understands and expects. She says she in that place that AS discussed where she just has to do this to save herself and if I mention a logistical difficulty involved she gets agitated and that nothing will stop her from getting what she wants. DB coach said that anything I do or say that she perceives as resistance only makes her push for the D harder and that has been the case.

AP: What can you do about that? No clue. I tried a dose of reality in April 2016 while she was still here when I set out a budget and plan for her to be on her own. Her response was to fall apart, come to me for comfort and then spend the night with her lover. I then let things drag out for months while they got worse and worse and she kept taking advantage of me until she finally got the nerve to leave on her own. Your story may be different because there is no current obvious OM but she is still expecting you to stay the same man and to be someone she "owns". Tough words perhaps and remember that they are coming from someone in a different place than you.

G: thanks for the tough words; they are always welcome. I do think she feels she will always own me...even after D, no matter what I say.

[Gordie]

So have been struggling over what to say to kids if/when we do that. I read the MWD article on the topic and I can do what she says. I can't say your mom and I decided and show a United front which I feel would be a lie but I also don't want to throw a under the bus. The key words are: mom and I have been having a lot of disagreements including what to do about our m. Because it takes two people to agree about m, we are getting d.

[AndrewP]

Gordie - I'm certainly not an expert on any of this stuff but you may want to give some thought in your messaging to ensure that the kids don't take on any of the blame themselves and are reassured that you both still love them very much and even if you will be living in different houses that you will still be their Dad and she'll still be their Mom.