I know we will never R. I just know it inside me. It's something I'm ok with now. I feel loss of control and a knife in my heart when she could just jump into another R directly after me. I don't think I'm in love anymore and I feel totally unwilling to even try to build our R again even if a chance would present itself. Don't get me wrong I'm NOT detached and I feel the loss or fear of the future but I am convinced I'm going to be more happy this way.
Well, that is a perfectly valid attitude to have if it's the one you WANT to have. Some of us, we have to tell ourselves it's all over to allow OURSELVES to detach and drop the rope.
Originally Posted By: lcause
Also, I really don't think the chance for recon is as good as you claim it to be. Statistically it's probably close to 5-10% of couples and I bet most of those are situations where the decision was done by impulse rather than M being unhappy for a longer time (possibly always?)
I've related this story before in other threads, but back when I was going through S and D I spent a lot of time asking my male friends and relatives about their own divorces. These were all guys that had a WAS, not the other way around. None of them were DB'ers, but some of them just naturally took a DB approach while others did not. Now granted this is a small sampling, I think we're talking about 15 people. Of those, only 2 of them reconciled. So that would be, 13%? So you might look at this and say "AHA AS, see I told you, even in your own experience barely more than 10% reconciled!!" But guess what, I asked all those LBS's how many of their WAS's approached them about recon. Are you ready to hear this? 100%. Every last one of them. THIS IS WHY WE SAY IT TAKES PATIENCE!!!! Because they want to recon on THEIR schedule, not the LBS's. What happened in almost every case is by the time the WAS wanted to recon, so much time had passed that the LBS had moved on, was done, and typically in another relationship, and no longer was interested in the WAS. In short, the LBS became the WAS. The LBS was the reason the couple didn't reconcile.
So my warning to you is if you decide to take the attitude that there's no chance and you're done, then you probably will be. You will probably never recon. But not because of her, but because of YOU. It's exactly what happened to me, so I'm not saying it's a bad thing.
Dude you are going to be fine. You have your entire life ahead of you. Just don't ever forget the lessons you have learned from this experience.
That I don't question, I am in control and I will find my place...
Originally Posted By: LH19
At some point she is going to want you back and your not going to want to take her back. Guaranteed!
...this however, I can bet my both testicles she won't want me back. But I am fine with that. Not losing my testicles, my XW not wanting me back I mean.
Went shopping with D. Bought Bluetooth earbuds and now eating at IKEA. I have a feeling she enjoys being more with me but this could be because she sees me less. I am the funny one who plays with her, XW mostly just watched her play without really taking part in it while talking.
XBIL getting married today. 8 or so months after his divorce went through. Huh.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
AS I do agree with you that some of us really need to trust it's forever done to be able to move on. Hope can either help you or be your worst enemy. I don't particularly appreciate my XW saying the things she said. Not even realizing that those things are technically quite low blows.
Interested, why are you so convinced the WAS can't find her new partner a better choice? I think this overall still happens way more often and your sample size is just too small Funny coincidence though. Also we are so much younger and cultural differences play a role. The support of family and friends as well. I mean, look at my XBIL. XW is like he found the true happiness... FFS they've been together less than a year!!!
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Took D back to XWs place. D asked me to stay a couple of times, I told I can't. Those teary eyes
I stopped drinking coffee and I'm going through some withdrawal symptoms. I usually drink like 5-6 cups a day. Lol. Feeling so tired and a bit depressed again.
It's funny how quickly things turn around. 8 months ago I would have never thought I'd be single in the Summer. 3 months ago I thought I would never get over this. Now I look at my XW and she feels so distant to me, like a relative I haven't seen for a while. She definitely does not feel like the person who I spent the previous 9 years with. This is also the reason why I think she never approaches me anymore. I don't know how hormones play during the time she's sleep deprived and breast-feeding, but currently she feels so distant and does not talk about anything else than kids unless I'm at her place. But then again she constantly asks me "is D sleeping already?" "how did D sleep?" "has D been out?" etc. Well, otherwise this makes detachment easier.
Well. I feel I've advanced quite a bit as a person, especially as a dad and for the next relationship. Thanks everyone. I'll start fading these updates off because there is no advancement in this sitch. Don't think self-growth blogs are that interesting to people anyways.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Ok, dropping down again to feel so bad. Why did I google statistics about those who regret divorce? I end up reading boards about women commenting how they do not regret it a single bit. I can only assume my XW feels the same way. I never wanted to be one of the husbands whose wife would think that way. I hope some day I will feel this really was the best for all of us but it really hurts me to know that I will on some level always be scarred. She feels so happy now... actively pursuing OM all the time. She does not show a sign of regret.
Sorry, this all just comes from because daughter was here again and her eyes when I told her we'll see next time next Monday... watery. This pain is intolerable. Feeling so lonely and bad for my kids. My S is so nice baby, always full of joy - he NEVER cries. He's always smiling for me and so excited to see me! I miss him so much each day. I just want to hold him. I'm going to do everything in my power to guarantee they have a fulfilling, good life and they both treat their future partners like they are supposed to.
Why do I end up dropping down again. I just don't understand. Maybe I just have to be satisfied with the fixed mindset that I will always be like this. To be honest, without this board I would have come to this decision months ago, I would have probably felt much worse and who knows what I would have done?
This is a recurring theme, yes. I know. I'm just not strong enough. I don't want to fight anymore. I want to feel bad. I want to feel angry. I want to feel regret of what I did. It's been 3˝ months since the BD before which I never thought she was this unhappy. It's been 8 months since I was happy watching my son getting his first breath. 8 MONTHS.
I am good person, I am super funny and energetic when you get to know me. My purpose is to cheer up people every time. I never want bad for anyone, and I feel extremely bad if I have hurt someone. Why I am so miserable in my life? I feel like no one appreciates my efforts. Maybe I'm coming out as fake. There are times when people have told me I'm too happy/positive/energetic.
Ah. Ok. Getting back on my horse and riding towards my future. I feel so bad for my kids and I really hope they can forgive me.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Dont beat yourself up LC, youre only 3,5 months in. I can "assure" you it will take much longer before you're through the roller coaster ride. One step at a time you'll get there. And stop paying attention to statistics.
Remember what AS posted from his own little personal survey, that all of his 15 friends, family etc that had walk away wifes, eventually saw their wives attempt to come back to the LBS.... Not saying yours will, but no one knows.
And those women who post on the internet that they'll never regret? Never mind them. I can't imagine people who acknowledges they made a mistake, would ever admit it anyway. So you only hear from those with no regrets, right?
For now, focus on yourself and your kids. You both need it.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
The part I struggle with your posts is that some days you post that you really don’t feel closeness to your ex anymore (she is a distant family member).
You said a few days ago "I can bet my both testicles she won't want me back. But I am fine with that. Not losing my testicles, my XW not wanting me back I mean".
At the same time you are searching message boards for women that have been threw similar situations as your ex , I would suspect to try and get a better understanding of the situation.
You asked "why do I keep dropping down again?", - its because you have not let go of the relationship and you are not focusing on yourself. If you had, you wouldn't be on the internet looking for glimmers of hope. If you really want this 'dropping down' to stop, to you need to accept that she has gone. Once you do that things will improve as you will be forced to turn you attention inward.
If there was any glimmer of hope she was going to consider recon with you it wouldn’t be with the person you are today (not that there is anything wrong with you), but its apparent from your posts that you haven't let go and there is a negative undertone to most of your comments.
It is a hard process no doubt made harder with children being involved but if you were fully at peace with the fact it is was done then your life would be a lot easier.
Well, I guess I can accept that it's still so early that I'm on the emotional roller coaster.
Benni, I have accepted that it is over. I am not trying to recon. There is nothing for us to recon for as she's done things I could never forgive. She is with another man. It was more of the sort "I wish I had a time machine". I know I can't control that. The regret part is because she seems so happy in the situation, stating how D is taking it fine, how kids will survive divorces without any issues and how we all are going to be more happy this way. That's why I wish some day she would at least feel a TINY bit of regret she didn't want to work through our issues before taking a new man in her life.
You are right that kids are making this immensely more harder. If I didn't have kids, I would have just moved out from the city and never talked to her again. Now I need to be in touch nearly daily. Proper detachment is hard.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Well, I think there is a huge difference between rationally realize that it is over (at least in the forseeable future, 1-2 years) and emotionally realize it and go through the grieving process. I have problems with it as well, I can feel fine and know that I will get through it. Then W starts to put pressure on me regarding D or financial stuff or get angry and telling me that I have been and still is treating her badly. Even though I have been giving her space, never started a heated argument (since 2 weeks after BD snyway), never yelled at her and I try to diffuse the sitches when W is pursuing conflict. Then I just freak out internally and start to show signs of cracking and letting my deep sorrow to be seen by W. I feel that I am so easily played and could be manipulated to do anything if W decided to do it.
I also think there is a difference between wanting to be over something and really, deep down, being so. Especially when it has been a part of your entire adult life so far.
I guess that we should keep on hanging here and just taking it easy. We might realize that it is over, but it aint over until it is over. We decide it. I want to be able to letting go, have the mindset that W should beg for us to get together if we would come to that in the future and have to work for it. But I am still far from it. She still has the power. I am trying to grow on my own and as a father but it will take time. In time, I will get there.
Just go back to DB 101 and GAL. Try to take responsibility for ourselves and our relations (I mean other than W like kids, family and friends). That is all we can do to try getting forward.
Keep on going forward!
H-30s W-30s M-5 T-10 D4 ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17 W moves out-May/17 D filed-May/17 House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17 D going through-Jan/18?
Not losing my testicles, my XW not wanting me back I mean.
Funny coincidence though. Also we are so much younger and cultural differences play a role. The support of family and friends as well. I mean, look at my XBIL. XW is like he found the true happiness... FFS they've been together less than a year!!!